Walk With Me

Lessons

2009-04-25T23:56:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a long time since I've written. So to those of you who look for my posts and have been encouraging me to write, thanks for caring and for reading!

God has been teaching me a lot in the past few months, and I've decided to share two of those lessons here.

Lesson One:

The past year was full of change for me. In a 12-month period I lost my job, left my church of 25 years, moved out of my apartment and into my friends' basement, job-hunted, felt called by God to serve my grandmother, purchased a house, moved out of my friends' basement, moved my grandma in with me, began attending a new church, joined a care group at my church, began volunteering with the youth in my church and throughout all that transition went through the ups and downs of some health worries without health insurance. Also during the past year one of my best friends got married and moved across the state and one of my other closest friends left to travel the world for a few months before settling in to serve at an orphanage in Peru for a while. So I found myself in a new place in life with an ever-smaller circle of the people I was most used to depending on for companionship, encouragement and advice. This winter I sunk into a pit of feeling discouraged, isolated and terribly alone. And there in the dark hours of my soul as I poured out my heart to God, I encountered him in a deeper way then ever before. I learned that there are times when he is the only one I can turn to for companionship (he will never leave me or forsake me), encouragement (he is gentler to me than I sometimes imagine and yet lovingly speaks truth to my heart when its perceptions are distorted by pain), and wisdom (he gives it freely to those who seek his heart and his will). I can't be simplistic and tell you that I don't need anyone but him, because I do believe that he created humans with the need to interact with others, and I'm thankful for the new friendships that I have been [slowly] building within my care group at church. But I will say this: God is the One who sustains me. Others may come and go but he is the one who guides my steps, guards my path and gives me those things that I truly need for the journey I am on.

Lesson Two:

Working with Gram has been one of the hardest things I've ever undertaken to do. It involves a complete giving over of myself to the needs of another (yeah, yeah, I can just imagine all you moms out there smiling wrily and arching one eyebrow, nonplussed). I have felt at times like my individual self was ceasing to exist and instead Gram permeates my thoughts, my actions, my wakefulness and my sleep. Every morning is full of getting her up and ready and every evening is full of getting her ready for bed and to sleep. My days, nights, sentences, thoughts, prayers and dreams are interrupted by the dull tweet of her whistle. It has been hard to let go of me and the time that I want to claim as mine (8 hours straight at night, for instance, or showers in the morning, or even time with the Lord in the morning). I am seeing my true rudeness and selfishness come out when I am awakened in the middle of the night to listen to apparently pointless and senseless ramblings from her confused mind. But I'm growing and God is giving me victory in small areas as I learn to see Grandma as he sees her, as I learn to speak gently rather than exasperatedly in the middle of the night, and as I learn to cheerfully and graciously clean up another's messes. I think the hardest thing for me has been the fact that often Gram misperceives my actions and intent. There are times when she grows suspicious of my actions and thinks I am taking her things, lying to her, ignoring her or even treating her roughly. This has been hard because in the beginning I believed that the whole point of this endeavor was for me to improve Gram's "quality of life" by caring for her and showing her love. So if she was going to believe that her caregiver was horrible or abusive it would be far better for her if she thought those things about a stranger than about her granddaughter who should be a source of love and encouragement to her. But with wise friends reminding me that it was clearly God who led me to this place in life, I'm realizing that perhaps his plan for this time is different than my plan for it. If it were true that the value of my service were found in Gram's perception of it or reception of it, then it is a futile task indeed--unappreciated, misunderstood and soon to be forgotten. I now believe that the value of what I am doing doesn't lie in Gram alone. Jesus taught that the things we do for the hurting souls of the world he accepts as service unto him. He sees every interaction I have with my Grandma--gracious and otherwise--and what I am doing is valuable not because it is grand or eternally meaningful to her, but because it is offered as a sacrifice of obedience to HIM! This lesson has deep and far-reaching implications in my heart, but it is very difficult to articulate. Suffice it to say that I am learning that my time with Grandma is not only about HER, but it is also about an amazing God who is using this opportunity in my life as a way to teach me and mold my character.

Fun in the Snow!

2008-12-21T17:40:00.000-08:00

Wow! I can barely remember the last time we had similar snowfall in Portland--probably because I was probably younger than five! It has been a fun week, though. I had mentioned to my mom that the thought of being snowed in at my house with Grandma did not sound appealing, so when snow started coming down last Sunday, Mom suggested Gram and I pack up and come stay with the family for a few days. We've been vacationing at the fam's ever since--sleeping on their couches by night, playing games, eating good food and playing in the snow by day...well...at least I've been playing in the snow. Gram's stayed inside. :-)

On Thursday Tracy and I hiked up Powell Butte to sled in a drainage ditch up there. We rolled giant snowballs (like the bottom of snowmen) into the ditch to make a steep fast-starting ramp for pushing off. Not only was it a blast--but it was soooooo beautiful! There were dark clouds and thick clouds, and swirly clouds--and snowy clouds and icy clouds. But then sometimes half the clouds cleared and there was this gentle, blue sky to the NW or a fierce, bright sun lowering to the SW. It was one of the best afternoons I've had in quite some time. :-)

Look at that sky!

As a Christmas gift to me, Eric put up Christmas lights on my house and him and Tracy helped me acquire, set up and decorate my tree! Unfortunately...since I've been at the fam's all week long, I have barely seen my beautiful tree. Last night, four of us made the slippery drive to my house to get more meds for Gramma and to pick up my Christmas gifts for people in the family. Here's my dad next to the tree.

My house in the snow...it's covering the curb...awesome.

My car after sitting for 24 hours in front of my parents' house.

Looking past my car and down the road.

Christmas lights shade and patterns in the snow.

Last night after midnight I was out with Tracy playing around. It was so cold I was tearing up!

If you'd like to see more of our snow day adventures, peruse my picasa album at www.picasaweb.google.com/trushoe/snowdays.

My House

2008-12-21T17:18:00.001-08:00

When I moved a friend asked me when I would be posting pictures of my house on my blog. I told her that I would have to unpack first, so it would probably not be for a week or two. Ha! I'm still unpacking, but here are few pictures...finally. :-)

If you want to see them all...go to my Picasa album: http://picasaweb.google.com/TruShoe/NewHouse

This is the living room, right when you walk in the front door.

My bathroom--make sure to notice the lovely medicine cabinet I installed. :-)

The dining/kitchen area.

The kitchen/dining area.

My bedroom.

It's here!

2008-12-10T14:15:00.000-08:00

www.ksphotodesigns.com

For several years I've been toying with the idea of creating a website to promote my photography and/or other skills and hobbies.

This year I was trying to think up a good gift idea for a white elephant gift exchange with adults from my church. Since I just threw out all the strange junk in the move, I figured I should give something nice, but inexpensive. I decided to make a greeting card set using pictures I have taken and coupling them with scripture. The finished product was very nice.

As I'd recently been trying to think of ways to supplement my income, I decided to try selling sets of greeting cards. Each card is 5" x 7" and is made on partially-recycled, linen-textured cardstock and comes with a matching linen-textured envelope.

So, this is the project I've been working on all week long--designing and launching the website. If you're curious to see the site, interested in looking at some of the pictures I've taken, or maybe even interested in purchasing a set of greeting cards, check it out at:

www.ksphotodesigns.com

Snippets of my life the past few months.

2008-12-10T03:06:00.000-08:00

Well, sometimes it's hard to find the time to write. And sometimes it's hard to find something interesting to write about. I make no claims as to this being particularly interesting, but I just thought I'd show you a few snippets (okay maybe more than a few) of what my life has been like in recent months.

Meet the boys: Gavin (4) and Carter (9 mos. currently; 6 mos. in the picture below) This are my handsome nephews and I'm blessed to generally have them at my house twice weekly. On Mondays I watch the boys while Trish works and on Fridays Trish hangs out with Gram so I can do...whatever it is I may need to do. The boys call Gram "GG" (Great-Grandma). Here Carter and GG take a nap together.

So for some reason Carter loves playing with my Nalgene bottle. One afternoon he was seeming fussy so I gave him my water bottle to distract him while I went to the bathroom. As I was washing my hands I heard him crying. When I reentered the living room there he was sitting in a giant puddle of icy water! Poor kiddo...I left him in it while I went to get the camera.

I have no clue how he managed to get that bottle open! But it turns out he didn't even mind the ice-water. He just was bummed because the bottle had rolled out of his reach (this was before he started crawling.) Once I gave him the bottle back, he was content again.

Ha! if only he spilt water on the floor every week instead of...juice, throw-up, poop, play-dough, cheerios, etc.

I've tried (inconsistently) to always have a special project or activity for Gavin and I to do during Carter's afternoon/evening nap. I had hoped that this would give him some needed one-on-one attention. It's hard when Gavin's always being told to wait because the baby is screaming and hungry or GG fell and needs help. Sometimes it feels like he always comes last. On this particular day we made picture frames with magnets for the fridge, and then took pictures to put in the frames. Gavin wanted his frame to be in the picture in his frame.

We did some with the frame and some without. This was supposed to be his strong-man, showing the muscle pose. It cracked me up!

The ONE picture I got Carter looking at me and smiling in... One...two....SPIT UP/click. In the end I laid him on his back and stood above him to get the second picture, he was very easily distracted outside.

Besides spending time caring for Gram and the boys, I've been slowly finishing unpacking. Since my bathroom lacks storage space, I purchased a medicine cabinet off Craigslist and installed it (with some help from my brother, Eric--thanks!). I'm definitely going to make you take a closer look....I worked hard and LONG on that. I even replaced the knobs to make it look nicer than it did before.

To finish the job I had to purchase newer, better drill bits. Here's the new set. It rolls up all real-contractor-like. It makes me feel awesome when I use it.

I've also put up more decorations. Here are some of my favorite pictures which are in the living room. Yep, I got a photoshoot with the nephs!

So, now that I'm more unpacked and decorated, I've tried to have more guests over. There was a streak of four out of five scheduled visits where the invitee was a no-show. It made me sad. :-( This one was when we tried to use the new goblets for the first time, but our guest never came, so the place setting just sat empty. Thankfully, the streak seems to have ended. Thanksgiving weekend alone I had 9 guests!

I've baked pies several times this fall. I found out why crusts were so difficult for me: I had the measurements written down wrong and was using way to little shortening. I had high expectations for the first pie with the corrected crust recipe. But alas, I seemed doomed to fail! Here was that one... Since then, though, I've made 6 more successful pies!

Sometimes on Mondays, between the boys and Gram, the most rest I get in a day comes when I lock myself alone in the bathroom for five minutes to....well, you know. On one particular Monday Carter wouldn't be consoled without me, so I brought him in with me. I put him in the dry tub, but he managed to open the shampoo, drop the conditioner on himself, and then pull himself up to standing and fall down! I had to rock him and sing to him while I was sitting on the toilet, and then he finally drifted to sleep. I waited until he was sleeping deeper and then laid him on the floor so I could finish up. I couldn't resist taking a couple pictures before moving him onto the bed.

Poor silly kid on the bathroom floor!

Only one of my cousins was able to be with us on Thanksgiving, but it was a treat to have Chelsea and her family stay overnight at my place. Plus it gave GG some extra time with some of the great-grandkids she doesn't see as often. Here she is with baby Jezzi.

And here she is with all the Berglund-Ramirez family: Andres, Jezzirayah, (GG), Tayvan, and Chelsea.

Here's the family without the GG. Thanks for the company, guys!

Okay, so there's a few of the things that have been going on with me--at least the photographed ones.

What Would You Kill For?

2008-11-29T01:06:00.000-08:00

I don't usually commentate on current events because 1) there are others better informed than me, and 2) if you wanted the news you'd be reading a news site right now instead of mine. But one news story I heard today I can't get out of my mind, so you get to hear about it.

I actually wanted to entitle this blog post "Greedy SOB's" or few other choice words that I know some of you would find very offensive. I felt that the perpetrators of this act deserved something shocking and disrespectful--BUT--out of respect to you, the readers, I've gone a different direction.

If you haven't read the story yet about a Wal-Mart employee being trampled by a rabid mob, you can catch the story here, and then learn a little bit more here.

I am apalled. Worse than appalled; I am FURIOUS! What kind of a person breaks down store doors in order to grab a shiny plastic toy 5 minutes earlier than planned? What kind of a person shoves to the ground anyone who stands between them and $10 dollars off a digital camera? What kind of a person trips on an injured man and leaves him gasping for air on the floor so they can scamper to the electronics section and grab a plasma TV? Unfortunately, there were thousands of such monstrous individuals ammassed in front of a New York Wal-Mart this morning.

Imagine those who came home from shopping, wiped the [metaphorical] blood off their feet and went inside to wrap up their "bargain" gifts! "Don't you love your new mp3 player? I stepped on a man's head to get it for you!"

I am so angry at these people! How dare they assume that the life and safety of another is worth less than the plastic and metal gadgets they heaped into their carts? I wish there were a way to prosecute every single person who stepped on or over this man in their rush to snatch something before anyone else could. These people are MONSTERS. Horrible, terrible monsters that remind us of the worst things possible about humanity--the darkest parts of our grimy souls.

I am also angry at the store. This is not a Wal-Mart tirade--I'll let someone else write that blog. This is a tirade against Any Store--because that's where this could have happened. One of your employees was killed--killed--in the line of duty serving your store. And to honor him you shut the store down--for five hours! You shuttled off the injured, cleaned up the mess as best you could, and reopened your mangled doors because not to do so would be to lose your largest day of profits of the year. Take some responsibility! Show shoppers that they CANNOT trample a man to death and just come back later to get the deal they so wanted. Close your store--close all your stores! Refuse to open your store on Black Friday next year as a way to honor your victim and prove to the crowds that you will not tolerate violence--even in the name of Materialistic Consumerism, that god of these masses.

But that will never happen.

Maybe those of you who think that it's strange for me to get so riled up over this incident are right. I know there are further-reaching tragedies occuring in the world. I am definitely not saying by addressing this one incident that this one loss is worse than the hundreds of lives lost, for instance, in the recent Mumbai tragedies. These crazy militants terrorize for their ideals--as hateful and horrible of ideals as they may be. They are wrong and their crimes have sickened and saddened the world at large. We have learned to expect such behavior from violent radical political and religious groups who value their ideals over their lives and the lives of others. But today we have been confronted with a new group of people--a group of seemingly innocuous shoppers hunting for christmas gifts for family and friends--and we have learned that from them we can expect senseless and remorseless violence for discounted price on some piece of thing that will more than likely be within in a landfill within 10 years. Which heart is uglier? The twisted heart that aligns itself to a horrible and violent cause or the apathetic heart that cares nothing for the man gasping for breath on the floor, but eagerly runs off to fill their cart with gadgets? At this moment, I feel that they have similarities we may hesitate to recognize. Both view others as objects that stand between them and their gods--whether their god is a twisted ideal or an iPod deal. And both have killed in the name of their god.

Hope for An Overcast Heart

2008-11-15T01:07:00.001-08:00

Generally I love fall; the colors and scents blend together in a way that makes me smile with secret delight. But this fall has felt darker to me, as if it's nothing more than an omen of fast-approaching emptiness of winter.

It had been mostly cloudy for a few days in a row and then on Wednesday it started to rain. It rained and rained and rained until gutters and drain grates were clogged and everywhere there were streams pouring off of roofs and lakes collecting on roadways and intersections. The sky was filled so thickly with clouds and precipitation that daylight seemed like dusk and dusk like midnight. In the oppressive grayness of Wednesday I saw that the tree branches were mostly empty and the leaves that lingered were wilted brown dripping sludge from their limp forms. There was no color, there was no life, there was no beauty there. Just unending ugliness and death--winter had already come.

But today something surprising happened. I awoke to bright light filtering its way through my blinds. The rain was gone. As I drove Gram to her therapy appointment I was surprised by what I saw along the roadside. Yes, some of the trees were mostly asleep for winter, but many of the seemingly brown trees from the day before were actually still in that drowsy state of being that only trees can achieve with such red, orange, yellow and green beauty. My eyes soaked it all in and each hue brought a ray of warmth to my heart.

Recently my life has been overcast. Depression is an oppressive cloud over my mind and emotions. It is so thick and dark that it blocks the sun from my eyes and shades the colorful leaves of joy and peace and hope from my vision. The world around me is actually the same as it has always been, but when my heart is shrouded in darkness it can barely see the good and beautiful things in life. Instead everything from activities to relationships to the future seem dark and dreary and dead. Although my mind knows the Sun still exists, I can't feel his warmth or nearness.

Today was a good day, though. One thing that I have found helpful in my recent recurring struggle is to recognize that my perceptions are inaccurate, and today was a reminder of that. No matter how dark it feels, the sun is still real, still there, still giving light and warmth--even though I may not feel it--it is there on the other side of the clouds. And no matter how dead and dreary things may seem in this darkness it is only the way I see them not the way things really are, just as the leaves still were multi-colored even though they looked brown and dead in the shadows cast by the clouds.

So, you who are suffering under a cloud of darkness, know that God is here with you though you may not feel him, and that his promises are true though your faith may be faltering. Realize, hopeless heart, that the things that overwhelm you, bring you sadness, anger, self-loathing and despair will not crush you. You will survive them and you will grow through them. And remember that at some point these clouds will clear and life will be warm and beautiful again.

Do not trust your overcast heart. It cannot see what truly is.

Test Results

2008-10-31T02:31:00.001-07:00

The test results are in and....yay! Although my thyroid is enlarged and absorbed over 60% more or the radioactive material than the average thyroid, there are no nodules, growths or tumors. I'll be starting medication soonk which I'm hoping helps lower my heart rate, increase my strengh, give me more energy, help me to sleep better, lower my core body temperature, sooth my shakiness and make me feel all around better. We'll see...

I'll keep you updated but now I'm going to sleep because I kept dozing off as I typed this. Sorry if there are errors, but that happens when I sleep and write.

Just Thinking

2008-10-21T01:58:00.000-07:00

A collaboration of the thoughts that are rumbling through my brain as I toss and turn sleeplessly tonight: health, ministry and depression.
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HEALTH:

My throat is sore. Usually, I get about three sore throats a year--one in the fall, one in the winter and one in the summer. Generally these sore throats last one to two days and are merely the first symptom of a virus that will soon follow with a stuffy nose and then finish with a nasty, lingering congestion in my chest. So, when my throat started feeling sort of sore last Friday evening, I tried to prepare myself for the onslaught. Usually preparations would consist of doses of Airborne, Vitamin C, Echinacea and Zinc, hoping to boost my immune system enough to fight off or shorten the duration of the virus. However, there are certain vitamins and supplements that I am not supposed to have for the week before my Thyroid Scan. I'm not entirely certain which ones to avoid, so I'm avoiding them all. Thus my preparations have included more sleep and lots of water. I mean LOTS of water...even more than usual. Well, today makes the third full day of sore throat and still no other symptoms have appeared other than white streaks on my tonsils (which you really don't want me to detail here!), and tender, swollen lymph nodes (a rarity for me). These could be symptoms of Strep throat, especially since I don't have any other cold symptoms that would indicate a virus. But generally Strep is accompanied by a fever higher than 101, and my temperature seems to be settled at 99.5 (which honestly could be the overactive thyroid as well as anything else). So...not really sure what to do, other than wait it out a day or two more. If it continues I probably will have to go to urgent care for a culture--which I'd really like to avoid since lab fees are so atrocious! Okay, enough whining...on to other things.

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HEALTH, MINISTRY, LIFE, DEATH AND STUFF:

So, my thyroid scan is on Thursday, but I have to go in on Wednesday to ingest the radioactive iodine. I'm not supposed to eat or DRINK anything for four hours prior and an hour after. I'm sure that just knowing I'm not supposed to drink anything will make me ravishingly thirsty. I'm the sort of dork who carries a 32 oz. water bottle around in her purse, because I have a (mildish)fear of being thirsty and without water. So, that is probably the thing I'm most worried about regarding the scan: thirst. Not too bad, eh?

Of course there is the "Other" thing--which honestly I haven't been too worried about at all. Malignant thyroid tumors are very, very rare according to the nurse practitioner and the internet. So, like I said, cancer really isn't a very big concern of mine. But that doesn't mean I haven't thought about it--or imagined it at least.

It's strange. The students that I worked with over the past three years were the roughest, toughest, craziest, neediest students I have ever interacted with! While God was kind enough to encourage me by allowing me to see how he was working in the lives of some of the students, I felt as if others of them had walls of iron around their hearts and souls. They were so caught up in their world of school and boyfriends/girlfriends, and popularity and... shoplifting, that I sometimes felt that as I spoke to them and lived with them and loved them, my words and actions were being carried away by the wind before reaching them. I frequently felt that only something huge would shake them out of their little worlds they were so caught up in. I began to believe that one of the things that would reach them the most would be to see followers of God experience tragedy. I felt that the students would remember better the Truth the Lord had spoken through me if something happened to me to ingrain it upon their minds. I wondered if God would choose to take me away in a car or other accident, as a way to shake them out of their comfort zones and make them think about their mortality and the life that is offered to them freely in Jesus. I began to pray that God would do whatever it took to reach these dearly-beloved creatures of his--even if it meant death or serious illness for me (please don't think me a martyr--I knew well whose presence I would gain, and even ached for Him at times.) Well...needless to say, God did not choose to impact these kids through the methods that I had contrived. But if something had happened to me--even a year ago--I could imagine the fruit that could come from it!

My life is so different now. Before I spent my days loving many students, encouraging their faith and trying to help prepare them for their lives. Now I spend my days loving one woman, trying to serve her with patience, and help care for her and love her on her journey to death. While I must confess that before I struggled with pride, now I struggle with impatience and a sense of futility and uselessness. My circle of influence has reduced itself to one person, and when she is gone, what can be said of what I've done? (This is my human thinking, by the way. I would never have undertaken this if that was what I truly believed. I know in my heart that God is pleased with humility and servanthood and care for the widow in need. I know my Grandma is a person and I want her to be well cared-for and loved until the day she dies, and I think that is important. But sometimes I don't feel like these things are important--and those are the moments that I feel overwhelmed by a sense of futility.)

So...back to thyroid cancer--which I am fairly confident I do not have. In my thinking through of the rare possibility, I find myself saying that it would be ridiculous. To think that when a crisis could have been beneficial to so many, it did not come. But now, when it would seemingly be beneficial to no one, and detrimental to the one person who now relies upon me--now is when it becomes a possibility.

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DEPRESSION:

There is nothing fun about depression--regardless of what emo-band teens may say about depression and musical inspiration. But I actually do feel blessed that I have experienced mild depression stemming from different sources. I believe that people experience depression steming from at least three sources: physical depression, emotional depression and spiritual depression. Now the tricky thing is that not only can depression stem from more than one source at a time, as whole beings we may find that the state of our spirit, our [metaphorical] heart, and our bodies can interfere with one another.

When I was in Jr. High, I was angry and sad and lonely (who wasn't!?) and I lost the will to live. There was really nothing terrible in my life, but for some reason my emotions became exaggerated and the negative ones seemed to overshadow my life unbearably. I really didn't have any clue what was going on at the time--all I knew was that life hurt and I wanted to stop hurting. Despite the plans I had formed, I made it through middle school. Eventually things slowly improved. My life wasn't that different, but my feelings became much more manageable. I believe that I was suffering from a standard emotional depression.

Several years later I experienced a different sort of depression. I did something that was wrong, and realized shortly thereafter that I needed to confess my actions to a particular person to make it right. I was terrified of admitting what I had done, and so I decided not to confess. I promised myself (and God) that I wouldn't do the same thing again and wanted that to be enough. But it wasn't enough, because my sin still wasn't made right. I stifled my conscience for several months--and they were terrible months. I felt bad, I felt sad, I felt angry, I felt horrible. But still I refused to make things right. Soon I was experiencing psychosomatic symptoms: stomache-aches, nausea and general malaise. Finally...FINALLY...I relented. I went to the person and admitted what I had done (and they forgave me very graciously I might add). Suddenly I felt free! I was happy. My stomache-aches and nausea had disappeared! It was great, truly amazing. My spiritual disobedience had caused spiritual depression, and making things right with God and man was my cure.

My second year of college, I was in a hit-and-run car accident with my brother, Eric. Our tiny hatchback Toyota Tercel was stopped and a cargo van struck us from the rear corner, spinning us in a circle and flipping us upside down. The car was mangled, but Eric and I crawled from the wreckage with no broken bones. I did suffer a concussion a concussion which wreaked havoc on my brain. I was forgetting things; I couldn't concentrate; reading became more difficult; I failed a test for the first time in my entire life (A's and B's before); my gpa dropped from 3.8ish to 2.5ish. Also my emotions changed--they once again became overwhelming. My anger was violent and frequent, my sadness was dark and hopeless. I couldn't sleep. My appetite diminished. I found excuses not to hang out with friends. At some point, I realized that I had text-book symptoms of depression, and saw a doctor. She prescribed medication, which restored chemical balance to my brain. Within a week I felt like myself again. The physical and emotional trauma that I had experienced had caused a chemical imbalance in my bran and the medication solved my issues until my brain went back to normal (about 9 months later).

Honestly, if I had not struggled with depression, not only would it be difficult for me to recognize it in others, but I think I would also be much less compassionate and understanding. I am glad that I can empathize with others in their struggles (although theirs are often more severe and longer lasting than mine have been). I'm also able to offer hope to people that things can be and will be better than they are now.

And that's a truth that I'm reminding myself about once again. Another of the many symptoms of hyperthyroidism is depression. I can't remember when the last day was that I didn't cry and feel overwhelmed. Fortunately, these acute bouts of feeling hopeless, useless, discouraged and lonely are only taking up small parts of each day. I'm thankful too, that I understand what is happening, and that I can assure myself that my feelings (however overwhelming they may feel), are temporary and that life will feel much more uplifting once we can fix this silly thyroid.

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Sorry for any typos or grammatical errors. It's late afterall, and since I may actually be starting to feel sleepy...I'm not going to go back and proofread.

The Endocrinologist's Office

2008-10-15T14:46:00.000-07:00

My original appointment at the endocrinologists was for Friday, October 17th, but on the 8th they called and told me they had an opening if I could make it in that afteroon. My appointment was with a nurse practitioner with lots of experience treating abnormal thyroid function.

She told me that there are four things we can do: 1) ignore it and hope it will get better on its own, 2) treat it with meds, 3) kill off part of the thyroid with radioactive iodine, or 4) surgically remove part of my thyroid. Since I had already waited for months, she recommends starting with medication as soon as possible to help me feel better. She also wants me to get a scan, where I ingest a small amount of radioactive iodine that will be absorbed by my thyroid making it easier for them to see what's going on in there. In the meantime, she took a more specific blood test, (T3 and T4 test), which showed that level of hormones produced by my thyroid are four times that of a normal thyroid. (an upper-limit of normal would be 1.25 and my result was 4.45). My scan is next week on the 23rd, and after she gets the radiology reports from that, she'll have a little better idea of whether my thyroid is just enlarged or if there are nodules on it or something else. Once the scan is done, the practitioner will put me on thyroid medication and we'll see how well they work. If they don't do the trick, then we will have to consider options 3 or 4. Please pray that the medication would do that trick--and that ultimately my thyroid could regulate itself normally! While God has provided financing for my current medical costs, future radioactive treatment and surgical options could be costly.

I almost feel silly detailing all this information here, but I figured my many medically-minded relatives (ha! how's that for accidental alliteration) like details. Honestly, hyperthyroidism is a fairly common condition that is generally only serious if left untreated. I've never really had a medical condition before though, so it's all new to me.

A Full Day

2008-10-08T00:55:00.000-07:00

So, this morning I awoke looking forward to tonight, when three young ladies were coming over for a book club meeting. This was to be the first time two of them had seen my house and I, like a new mother, was excited to show them my baby! Of course, I wanted to change it and bathe it first and all.

First things first: I threw on a t-shirt and yesterday's jeans still smelling reminiscent of nephew messes from the day before, and quickly rinsed my face and brushed my teeth. Grabbing Gram's morning pills from the container atop the fridge, I made my way down the hall and into her bedroom. "Good morning Gram! How are you this Tuesday morning? Did you sleep well?" I was happy to hear that she didn't remember, which usually means she slept most the night! The next hour was dedicated to assisting with the first half of her morning routine.

Leaving her to the easier second half, I started a load of her laundry and then straightened up the living room. Leaning against the fireplace was an unassembled end-table/magazine-rack that we wanted to put next to Gram's bed for her to set things on and store newspapers under. I opened the packaging and tackled the project, which I expected to be as easy as the toy chest I assembled earlier this week. But it wasn't. When did directions become so illiterate-only anyway? I mean, I certainly don't mind the drawings, but could someone please put a sentence underneath the diagram saying, when attaching the legs, be sure that the large holes are facing away from the short side, and the small holes are facing toward the short side. Well, they didn't so I had to take the legs off and do that part over. In the end, it turned out well, but took me 30 minutes longer than I had hoped it would.

Grandma had never come out from her bedroom, so I went in to check on her. She was engrossed in a "good movie" and didn't want to come out to eat so I brought food in to her, before I began preparing the food for tonight. I mixed up a white enchilada sauce and added chicken to the mix, then wrapped it up in giant tortillas topped with more sauce. The mixture went further than I had expected, so I ended up with 1 and a half pans of enchiladas! I put them in the fridge to be cooked in the evening.

After a rainy bit, the sun had now been out long enough to semi-dry the front yard, so I grabbed a rake an attacked the leaves that had abandoned the two trees on my property. I remember raking with my dad when I was little--it was easier with him! This project also took me longer than I had hoped and by the time I was finished, my right shoulder was aching again (it's been hurting since I moved, but very much so since trimming my trees on Saturday and Sunday). I decided it would be easier to spray off the driveway and walkways than to sweep them, so I hooked up my brand new hose, attached a nozzle onto it and turned the water on. SSPPHRITTZZZ!!! Immediately I was doused with water and splashing dirt as water exploded out of a hole in the hose, dousing me and the flowerbed with a high-pressured stream. I quickly saw this wasn't going to work, and turned off the water, grumbling to myself about how Bi-Mart better come clean up the mess their faulty hose caused!

I slushed my way back inside, dripping from the waist down and glad that I had waited to clean the floors until after finishing the yard. Once in drier clothes, I cleared and polished my table, then reset its runner, placemats and centerpieces. It was time. I pulled the vacuum out of its closet and pushed it around the carpet. I considered sweeping the tiled hall, dining room and kitchen, but decided the vacuum would do fine today.

By now it was 5:00, and I decided to call the guy with a pantry cabinet that I had found on Craigslist the night before. I turned on my computer and glanced through my new emails. One was from one of the book club girls. She wasn't going to make it afterall. Bummer! I missed her, but what can you do. I thought I'd check on the other two girls. I texted them both. One of them replied that she was too busy to come tonight. Great. That left Jess, me and Grandma with a pan and a half of enchiladas! Not only that, but since Jess had already seen my house, I suddenly lost all desire to dust, do the dishes in the sink and clean the porch and screen door. I called my mom to see if the family wanted a pan of enchiladas, but she already had pans to make turkey noodle soup. Oh well.

I called the Craigslist guy and was happy to hear that he still had the pantry. I got dimensions from him and went to my car to see if there was any possible way I could fit it into my Camry. I reclined the passenger seat as far as it would go and measured from the rear driver's side corner to the glove compartment. I was about 3 inches short. Bummer! I called the guy again and asked offered him extra $ if he could deliver it to me. Thankfully he had a truck and was willing!

I took a quick shower, washing off the house grime and yard dust, and put on clean-smelling clothes. Ahhhhh. Nice. I told Gram I'd be back in a half-hour, jumped in my car and drove to the nearest supermarket. I bought cheese and got cashback so I would have enough cash to pay the Craigslist guy. Upon returning home, I popped the half-pan of enchiladas into the oven, and began clearing space where I wanted the pantry. Then Jess came and we chatted for a while. Then the Craigslist guy came and Jess and I carried the pantry inside and set it up. Craigslist guy offered me a $10 discount for the tiniest scratch on the side. I thanked him and took the discount realizing I had overpaid him for delivery anyway!

When the enchies were ready Grandma, Jessica and I ate our fill and had some after-dinner conversation. Ibrahim called and Jess happily flipped through old photo albums while he and I caught up a bit. Eventually we hung up and Jess went home. Gram and I finished our day with ice cream and then I changed the laundry and she folded.

Even though I didn't get done everything I wanted to do today, it's one of those nights where I crawl into bed satisfied that I was busy and worked hard. It was great catching up with two of my friends I don't get to spend much time with these days, it was yummy eating ice cream and I am so excited to have a pantry so that I can actually finish putting away things in my kitchen. Maybe tomorrow. Good night!

_________________________________
Sorry to bore you with a kind of dull entry, but it was just a good day and I felt like writing about it. If you feel cheated, you can have a free enchilada. ;-)

What?

2008-10-05T19:49:00.000-07:00

Grandma was taking a nap in armchair in her bedroom. I went and awakened her to give her some pills. The first strange thing was that she would hold her straw cup about an inch away from her mouth and then make a sucking motion with her lips, like she thought she could get it from there. I helped her put the straw in her mouth, realizing that since the pills were a little late, her motor skills might not be at their best. Meanwhile I told her about working in the yard in the rain and how now I was cold and my shoulder hurt. She dropped some of her pills and I picked them up and watched carefully until they were all swallowed. I figured it would be best for her not to keep napping if she wanted to sleep well tonight, and so I asked her if she wanted me to turn on the TV in her room.

"You better not do that," she said in an ominous voice. I looked at her and couldn't tell if she was joking or serious.

"You don't want to watch TV right now?" I asked her. "Are you thinking of going back to sleep?"

"No, I need to be holy." Again I was confused, wondering if she suddenly thought that Murder She Wrote and Matlock were somehow evil. Then she followed with, "I need to do some holy work." What? Did she mean she wanted to read her Bible? I was so confused.

"What kind of holy work do you need to do?" I asked.

"Well....I need to.....what does he do?" she fumbled.

"Who is he?"

"You know, him. Uh....."

I waited for her to think of the name.

"Galen," she finished.

"Are you aking what my dad does for work?" I tried to clarify her question.

"He drives trucks," she attempted to answer the question herself.

"No, Gram, my dad does Payroll for Multnomah."

"Oh, but he works with the trucks and the cars," she offered.

At this I had to chuckle, "No Gram, Dad doesn't do much work on cars."

"Oh." This "oh" sounded very confused.

"Do you want to come hang out with me in the living room?" I invited.

"No, I'll stay here."

"Okay." I figured she was so confused she wouldn't remember what she'd said before about tv, so I tried again. "Do you want me turn the TV on for you while you're in here?"

"No! It's enough of that. We need to mend our ways."

"Umm...okay Gram. No TV for now. Are you hungry or are you still full from the big late lunch?"

"I guess I'm still full, but I don't know why."

"It's probably because you ate almost all of your giant plate of food and you didn't finish eating until mid-afternoon."

She seemed like she was going to fall back asleep. "Do you want to lie down on your bed?" I invited.

"In my bed."

"Do you mean for the night? Do you want to go to bed already for the night?"

"I think I better. I think you want to go to bed now," she replied.

"Nope," I said with forced cheerfulness, "I'll be up for a few hours still. It's just after 7:00."

"Well I better," she persisted.

"Okay, are you sure you don't want food first? A snack or something?"

"No, I'm just real tired."

By now she was seeming a bit more lucid, so I tried to see if she remembered what she had been
saying before.

"Hey Gram, do you know what my dad does for work?"

"He works with math," she answered.

"Yeah, that's right," I figured it was sort of right, "He does math for the Payroll."

"And what do you think about watching TV?" I tried to sound casual.

"I don't think that's a very good idea," she persisted.

"Do you want me to help you up?" I asked her in the midst of getting her ready for bed.

"I don't think you should help me."

"Why not?"

"Well, you worked so hard today, I think I should do something."

"Gram, you don't have to do anything. It was yardwork--so it was cold and tiring--but it wasn't terrible. It gave me a good sense of accomplishment. Besides, I want to be able to help you."

She consented. She finished getting ready for bed and then I helped her into it. We made plans for me to wake her up for her pills at what would normally be her bedtime. I asked her one last time, "Would you like me turn on the TV for you to listen to until you fall asleep?" (You have to understand that it's not so much that I'm a pusher for TV as that I was curious to see if she would persist in her idea that TV was evil and she wasn't going to watch it anymore. But that seemed forgotten.)

"That would be nice," she said. I turned on the tv and put it on her Hallmark channel.

"Good night Gram." I sat on the edge of her bed and rubbed her arm affectionately. "I sure hope you get lots of rest and wake up feeling clearer. You had me a little bit worried earlier."

"I'm sorry."

"That's okay, you just seeemed really confused and it made me wonder what was going on with you." I paused, then continued. "Do you remember what you were saying at all when you were on the recliner?"

"I was talking about your mom."

"You were talking about Dad. You said he was a truck driver."

"I did?"

"Yeah. And then you said you couldn't watch TV because you needed to do holy work and that we needed to mend our ways."

"I said that?" she chuckled incredulously.

"Yep...I'm glad that you think it's funny now. Maybe you were having weird dreams of some sort when I woke you up."

"Huh," she said curiously not confusedly.

"Well, g'night Gram. I love you."

"Thank you honey, I love you too."

I shut her bedroom door and shook my head. "What in the world was all that?"

My New Church

2008-10-05T19:03:00.000-07:00

I am now attending First Covenant Church on 45th & Burnside. The "Covenant" refers to their committment to one another and not to any particular theology that may share the term. (So calm down, everyone!) :-) I am super-excited about and really enjoying my new church. I guess you could say it's that infatuation period where I see so many things that I like about the church, without knowing it well enough to know the problems that I'm sure exist somewhere as they do in pretty much any community of people.

I found the church by a fluke--they were in a random article and I looked up their denomination online since I'd never heard of it before. I liked the orthodoxy, yet simplicity of their doctrinal statement, so I decided to put it on my list of churches to visit. It was one of 20-some churches that I visited, and when I was nearing the end of my list I was beginning to detest being a visitor and long to settle somewhere. First Cov was the place that I was most drawn to, and so I decided to go for a month or so before committing. In the meantime, I asked the pastor some questions that I had about the church, and was pleased with his answers. After 8 weeks of "visiting" (I kept fearing that some "red flag" would come up, and so I put off committing), I decided I truly wanted to be a part of the community. Since then I have joined a care group, and am hoping to soon begin helping out with the youth ministry. I am excited each day that brings me into contact with people from this community and I am eager to get to know more of the people and to become more involved with the church.

Some of the things that attracted me to the church from its website were...

The simple affirmations of belief that covered the basics of Christian doctrine.
The grace that the community extended to one another in areas of Christian practice.
Some of the missionaries and service organizations that the church supports were listed
Yes, I'll say it even though it's unpopular midst my family and friends: the church ordains both men and women to ministry and leadership, a position that I have grown into on my journey to seek God's heart for the church.

Some of the things that attracted me the first day there were...

The church laughed with one another over silly technical difficulties.
People seemed casual and comfortable
There was a sense of community midst the members of the congregation
There was a wide age range of people.

Some of the things that I have loved since then are...

Old and young enjoy enthusiastic and heartfelt musical worship.
The church takes a church mission trip, not a youth one--this being a long-time dream of mine.
Solid biblical teaching, that addresses the tough questions.
My care group spent the first 30 minutes of our meeting identifying some of ways we will serve the community and those in need this year.
We take communion every other week and there is a variety in the method used which keeps things fresh and not mechanical.
They love one another.
They laugh with one another.
They care for one another.
I can see myself serving there.

I am realizing though, how much time it will take to know these people. At my first care group meeting last Thursday I felt so proud because I learned 14 people's names. But then when we began to share prayer requests I realized how little a name tells me. Someone would ask for prayer for so-and-so, and I would have to ask the kind woman next to me, "Who is that?" "Her daughter"..."their friend"..."grandson," etc. I never realized before how difficult a prayer meeting at Cascade could have been for a newcomer. When someone there shared a prayer request, I had no problem understanding because I knew the names of their family members and the situations that their family members were in. Seriously, it will take years and years and years--if ever--to know these people like that. But I'm trying to learn!

One of Those Days

2008-09-29T23:20:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days. You know...

One of those days when your alarm clock doesn't go off and you are awakened at the exact moment when you're supposed to be starting to do something else.

One of those days when you don't have time to change from pajama pants to jeans until 2:00 pm.

One of those days when you don't have a moment to change from your pajama shirt to a bra and t-shirt until 6:00 pm.

One of those days when you don't find the time to brush your teeth 'til after dinner, but all day long you've been promising yourself that it'll be the next thing you do.

One of those days when no matter what you're doing, there's always someone who needs help in the other room.

One of those days when you get four types of bodily fluids or excrements on you.

One of those days when just when you think you get to take a nap, one of the them wakes up and needs your attntion.

One of those days when you have sat, squatted, knelt, bent, and stooped so many times that you are starting to have a hard time getting up off the foor.

One of those days when your phone rings constantly, but since you're in pajamas which don't have any pockets, you have to rush off each time to find the last place you left it.

One of those days when five minutes on the toilet alone with the door closed is the biggest break you've had all day.

One of those days when you constantly feel the need to apologize for not being able to do everything everyone wants of you.

One of those days when you go to get the mail and are tempted to sit down on the curb and breathe for a while.

One of those days when half the day someone is on the floor wanting to be picked up.

One of those days when you feel like you need to complain a little bit about your day at the end of the day.

One of those days when you cut your complaining short so you can go to bed.

*sigh*

Tomorrow's a new day.

Grrrr... --OR-- I'm an Idiot

2008-09-28T18:17:00.001-07:00

So I have The Count of Monte Cristo checked out from the library so I can read it for our book club. I remember reading it this morning, then I'm pretty sure I set it on the kitchen table while I put more water in my water bottle. Then I thought I collected my book, my purse and my Bible and went into the garage, throwing all three onto the passenger seat of my car. I was bringing the book because I thought I was going to be pretty late for my adult education class, and if it was already half over I was just going to read in my car.

When I arrived at the church, I remembered to take my atenolol, since I've been taking it at 10:00 am and it was just after 10. In the process, I dropped the open bottle on the floor underneat the steering wheel and had to pick them all up. By then the class was more than two-thirds of the way over, so I reached over for my book, but it wasn't there . I looked all around in my car, and didn't find it. I figured I was just remembering wrong and that I had left the book on the kitchen table, but when I got home the book wasn't there either. I looked on the couch, I looked where I remembered reading it last and then on another couch. I looked on the kitchen counters. I looked all over everywhere I could possibly set the book. Then I decided to look crazy places: I checked the garage, I checked the refrigerator, I checked the bathtub. No book.

You have to understand; this is not a small book. It is about 8-1/2"x6" or so. Oh yes, and it is 1400 pages thick--about 4". This is not the sort of book that slips in cracks somewhere. I researched my car, I researched the house. Then I re-researched the car and the house. The only other option I could think of was that maybe I had set the book on top of the car and then drove off with it on the roof and it had fallen off somewhere. But I think I would hear or see that sliding off. And wouldn't other cars honk to let me know it was up there? It was my last idea, though, so I got in my car and drove the first couple miles of my route to church. Have you ever realized how much junk there is on the sides of the roads? There was a lot--but I didn't see the book.

Where in the world can that stupid book be?! Not only will I have to pay back the library if I can't find it--but I won't be able to read myself to sleep tonight. :-( This is so frustrating!

THE END

*You don't get closure because I don't get closure. But if you have any ideas as to where else I should look...

In My Mailbox

2008-09-23T18:20:00.000-07:00

Twenty minutes ago I walked to the end of my street to get my mail from today and yesterday and to haul back the garbage and recycling carts that I neglected to bring back to my garage yesterday. I tucked the mail under one arm, grabbed a cart with each hand and carefully hauled everything back to the house. I tossed the mail on the couch, went back out to the garage and straightened the bins, then made my way back to the living room and plopped down on the couch. I separated the mail into three stacks: junk I wouldn't even bother opening, personal mail, and everything that may or may not be important, like bills and other things from companies I deal with. First I opened up the lone personal envelope. An adorable baby girl peered up at me from the picture enclosed in my friend's daughter's birth announcement. I smiled and read the announcement, then set it aside and picked up a natural gas bill, or so I thought. It turned out that it wasn't a bill, just information for me as a new customer. Okay.

Next was an envelope from the hospital that my bloodwork had been sent to when I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago. I figured if a UA cost $20 and an EKG cost $35, then the two blood tests would each be somewhere in the same ballpark. I slid my index finger under the flap of the envelope and tore it open, then pulled out the paper and remittance envelope inside. $236. The number jumped off the page at me, and my heart started pumping faster. I was not expecting it to be that big, and I sighed and began to feel a bit panicked. I don't know what you do when you get bad news or good news or funny news or ironic news, but I always call my mom. It's not that she can necessarily fix the problem, but it just always feels better to know that there's someone who knows what I'm going through. I held down the 3 and my phone speed-dialed my mom. "Mom, I just got my bill for the blood tests. Two hundred thirty-six dollars." I hoped my flat tone wouldn't betray the frustrated tear that slid down my cheek. She wondered why it was so much, I replied that I didn't have a clue. She sympathized. "Well," I admitted, "that's all I had to say. Sorry to dump that on you, but you're the one I call with bad news or good news or funny news. Maybe there will be good news in my next bill." "Yeah, maybe," she said wrily. We said goodbye and hung up. I breathed in deeply and then blew the air out slowly through pursed lips. Well, I'd figure something out. I've never not been able to pay a bill yet.

I reached for the next envelope, from my mortgage bank and slowly pulled it open, expecting another invitation to by life insurance that will cover my mortgage--the stupid bank has been sending me an invitation like that every other business for the past four weeks! But what I pulled out looked different. It was a check. For $274.67. What!? I started looking for the catch, you know, something that says, "when you cash this check, you are enrolling yourself in our life insurance program: or something like that. Instead it said "Escrow Overage Refund." Relizing it was genuine, I eagerly grabbed my phone and again held down the 3 button. "What, good news so soon?" she asked facetiously. "I just got a check for $274 dollars as a refund for overpaying to my escrow account!" "Really? Wow! How much was the other check for? Doesn't that leave you with $40 leftover?" "Yep," I grinned, "praise the Lord!"

You know, this actually isn't the first time this has happened to me. When I was in college, one of my cousin's and her husband out of the blue sent me some money and a card that said, "We were just thinking about you and praying for you and felt that God wanted us to send you this." I was surprised and felt a little bit guilty--I wasn't sure what I should spend the money on. Maybe a new coat? Winter was coming on and I didn't have a very warm one. I deposited it in my bank account until I could decide what to do with it. Two weeks later, I went to the doctor with a broken foot, and the sum of my medical bills (office visit, cast, podiatrist checkup) totalled up to $10 less than what they had gifted me. Wow.

I hope this is a lesson that I can "get" this time. God will be faithful to provide for my needs, so next time I'm facing a financial challenge, instead of freaking out, I should remain calm, pray and trust that the Lord knows my need.

The Good, The Bad and The Uglies

2008-09-21T01:15:00.000-07:00

My computer is back after a couple weeks once again at the brink. I thought I'd catch you up to date with two each of the good, bad and the ugly things you missed out on.

THE GOOD

Most days Grandma is very, very appreciative of my care. It makes it so much easier to serve her when she is thankful for my help instead of resentful for it as many aging people can be, when they don't want to have to be helped. She thanks me frequently throughout the day for little things I do for her, and she thanks God for me in her prayers, which touch me deeply.

Another good thing that happened came from a sorta-bad thing. I have always had weak ankles, but the past couple years have been blessed enough to not have sprained them at all. The other day I was unloading Gram from the car, and just as I was about ready to push her wheelchair up the ramp into the house, my ankle suddenly gave out on me, turning my foot completely onto it's outerside with a big popping sound. It hurt terribly and I could not put any weight on it, but using Gram's wheelchair for support made it much easier to hop up the ramp and through the kitchen doorway which is inches away from the freezer which holds the ice packs. I iced it immediately, which seemed to keep the swelling to a minimum. When I turn my ankle, the pain always is very intense and I can't tell how bad it is until 5-20 minutes later. If it isn't any better it will usually be a bad sprain that can take weeks or even months to heal. I had no clue how I'd be able to support and transport Grandma if that happened. Thankfully, after five minutes I was able to put weight on it and could tell by the limited pain and swelling that it was only a minor twist. I was able to limp around on it that night and the two days since I have been able to walk normally just being careful not to retwist it in its' weakened state. Praise God for preventing it from being a serious sprain!

THE BAD

There was an accident of the most foul-smelling nature that took quite some time to clean up. As it was the first major one since she's been here, it took me a while to figure out how to best clean everything up. And I mean everything. After 2 hours of wiping, washing, and sanitizing...we conquered the mess. But I'm hoping it won't be frequently repeated. At least next time I'll have the process down. :-)

I've been feeling pretty weak, which makes some days very difficult. My appointment with the endocrinologist isn't until mid-October. On top of that, the migraines that have been much less frequent the past few years have resumed (or perhaps even surpassed) the frequency I was accustomed to in college. I've been experiencing intense migraine headaches about every four or five days the past several weeks. Medication doensn't always relieve the pain (not even twice my dose of vicodin!), and when it does work I worry because I have a limited quantity of it and every time I use it I'm closer to running out. Even when the pain goes away I am often nauseaus, which is gross, but I guess it's better than being light and sound sensitive since those symptoms make it much harder for me to help gram than just nausea and malaise. I'm tired of my body and ready for a new one.

THE UGLY

As Gram has expressed dissatisfaction with her hairstyle, I tried to help her with it. I parted it in the middle, and pinned it back on the sides in a cute style that helped cover the areas where her hair is thinning. Well, she didn't like it. "I look haggy," she grumbled as she looked in the mirror. "What does that mean?" I asked. "It means I look like an old hag!" So the next few days instead of styling her hair the way I thought it was cute, I tried to help her style it the way I thought she wanted it (which I don't think is very flattering on her, but I guess it's more important how she feels than how she looks). But even then she was always dissatisfied (even though she sometimes tried to hide that so she won't discourage me). In the end, I gave up helping her as each attempt produced an "ugly hag" look to her eyes. :-) On a positive note, though, I cut her hair the other day and she really really likes the hair cut!

Moving from the mundane to the serious...ugliness number two is my heart. I'm not quite as worried about the discouragement and hopeleness that I sometimes feel. That's just a result of many changes, and the depression and anxiety that have come along with the hyperthyroidism. But what does worry me is the bitterness and resentment that I can feel in my heart sometimes. Tonight I am very frustrated because after coming home from Mindy's birthday dinner at my parents' house, Grandma has spent over two hours getting ready for bed. She is doing all sorts of extra preparations tonight even though I've asked her to be quicker, since I have to wake up at 5:30 on Sundays in order to have time to get myself and then her ready for church. Last week I was nodding and blinking all service long and didn't really hear what the pastor was saying because I was concentrating so hard on staying awake. Gram has insisted that I can go to bed and she'll just put herself to bed just fine--but that doesn't always work out as we hope, and since she has a hard time rousing me from sleep, I want to stay up until she's tucked safely between her sheets. In the meantime, I am so angry with her. I'm exhausted and all I want to do is sleep, but I can't because she's won't go to bed until she puts her curlers in (apparently and hour-and-a-half process that I will ruin of course if I try to help). And because I'm feeling angry at her, I'm now feeling angry with myself for being so impatient and bitter and spiteful right now. She's an old woman who doesn't look the way she wants to look anymore, but has a strong sense of how she should look for church. I chose to care for her so that I could love her and help her and serve her, but sometimes I feel resentful to her for what was my own choice. I don't know that there is any answer to this besides continuing to pray for patience and love. But it is definitely the ugliest part of our situation.

ANOTHER GOOD SO I DON'T END WITH A DOWNER...

It's been fun to get to hear stories from Gram's life. I knew that her dad died when she was 13, but now I know what that was like for her, and I can imagine the happenings of that sad and scary day. Okay, that was a bad example of fun...but I've been able to learn about her relationships with siblings, and the various romances that each have been involved in. I've learned about Gram's various boyfriends, her first fiance, and her later relationship with and marriage to my grandpa. I've heard about her job in a theatre and her job with information at the telephone company before she moved up to the position of operator. She remembers those days vividly, like they were yesterday, but she can't remember the real yesterday--or even two minutes ago sometimes. Which is probably why she calls her son and daughter by the names of her older brother and sister. It's been fun hearing stories and imagining the full life she lived that I only have had a glimpse of as her granddaughter.

My Health

2008-09-07T23:48:00.000-07:00

I've already been sick a couple of times this year. It's normal for me to have much less energy and strength when I'm sick. That coupled with the fact that I was out of shape, made me super tired this May as I was getting over being sick. Eventually I realized that it was too long after being sick to blame that for my fatigue. I decided I was in the worst shape of my life as it became difficult to even climb stairs--my legs felt to weak to climb the last couple steps.

On July 5th, I finally realized that this was more than an out-of-shape issue. For one thing, I was losing weight. In three months I had lost 20 lbs without trying to. Also, even when I was resting, my heartrate was high--usually above 100. I was fatigued and my muscles were weaker than ever. I went to the internet and found a website where I entered my symptoms and it told me possible diagnoses. The most likely one seemed to be congestive heart failure (or CHF). This absolutely freaked me out, since it's serious but I was afraid to go to the doctor until I could obtain and afford insurance.

Needless to say, my family (once I decided to share with them) was very concerned for me. After several weeks of believing myself to have CHF, I had the opportunity to get the opinions of several nurses. One of them listened to my lungs and didn't hear the crackling sound that would indicate CHF. The other two mentioned that generally someone with CHF would gain weight, not lose it. My aunt (a nurse) mentioned that the sudden weight loss could indicate an overactive thyroid.

My family has continued to be concerned about me, and last week when I slept through my grandma's calls for me in the morning, and she feared I had died in my sleep, I decided I needed to get checked out--for them as well as for me. I called the only medical office I know of in the area that accepts patients without insurance, and was told by them to go to urgent care if my heartrate was rapid. She gave me the number for an clinic that would acccept me without insurance (and give me a 25% discount for immediate payment!). I felt stupid about it, but I did go the next day. To my surprise, I had the best medical experience of my life at that urgent care clinic. The doctor I saw listened to me, examined me thoroughly, ordered necessary tests and spent time answering my questions. I had some bloodwork done and the lab results showed that I do have an overactive thyroid. The doctor prescribed me beta blockers, which will help keep the heart healthy and working well, and is referring me to an endocrinologist who should be able to help me determine what caused the condition and how we can treat it. The urgent care visit, EKG, and UA only cost me $150. The lab that did the blood tests is going to bill me for those tests, but I'm pretty happy with how inexpensively I was diagnosed. Unfortunately, the specialist will probably cost more, but mostly I'm hoping that I'll be able to afford whatever treatment is necessary.

I honestly don't know much more other than that, I'm still learning about this condition. But I am really, really, REALLY glad that there is a reason for why I've been feeling so crummy the past few months, and I'm hoping that in a few more, I'll be feeling back to normal. Now that I'm learning a bit more about hyperthyroidism I'm recognizing other things that are symptoms that I didn't know were related (difficulty sleeping, tremors and shakiness, intolerance of heat, anxiety and panic attacks, etc.). It's nice to know those things may stop with treatment, too.

Well...my uninsured plight has turned out pretty good so far... I'll keep you all updated when I find out more.

The Plight of the Uninsured

2008-09-06T22:12:00.000-07:00

Imagine that you do not have health insurance. It may be because you were dropped off of your parents' policy when you finished your schooling and you never bothered to activate your own policy. It may be because you switched jobs and your work no longer provides group insurance. It may simply be because you cannot afford the premiums of group or individual insurance.

At times when you find yourself without insurance--especially if you've always had it before, but now it's gone--you live very carefully in an attempt to make up for your lack of coverage. You spray disinfectant all over the entire apartment after your sick roommate goes to bed and you avoid hanging out with your family when someone has a cold or the flu. You cringe when someone sneezes and hold your breath while their germs "settle"--or you try to breathe through your sleeve, using it as a filter. Despite your best efforts, you occasionally get sick, but are relieved when you get better without requiring the assistance of a prescription.

After a while, years maybe, you begin to develop a sense of security. You think to yourself, I've saved myself thousands of dollars by not paying for insurance--and look! I didn't even need it! Maybe it's better not to have insurance at all until I get older. I mean, I'm sure I'll need it sometime...maybe I'll try to get it next year. You keep putting it off because you keep not needing it.

Then--and this may happen suddenly or it may creep up on you gradually--your body is at some point different. You've been telling yourself that this weakness was merely residual from the flu-bug you're getting over, but then you realize that it's been over a month since you were sick. You've been assuming that your fatigue and rapid heart rate are because you're falling out of shape. But then you realize that you've been in worse shape before and you've never felt like this in your entire life. One day you wonder if there is something wrong with your body, but you shrug it off and try to convince yourself that you're being a hypochondriach. A few days later, though, you google some of your symptoms on the internet (the grand E-Doctor to those without insurance) and you're terrified by what you find. No, you tell yourself, I'm too young for that. I'm just exaggerating this. I'm just really out of shape. And you almost convince yourself that you're fine. Until you begin to notice other things with your body that could possibly be a symptom of what you saw on the internet and after a few days, you resign yourself to the fact that you are not well. Hopelessness ensues.

You know that you need insurance if your worst fears are confirmed, but there's a problem. Your problem may be that you still just can't afford the premiums or that you are not healthy enough to pass a physical exam required before acceptance because of what's going on or because of past injuries or conditions. Your problem may be that you can't meet reasonable underwriting guidlines because of your age, weight, smoking habit or other high-risk factors.

You wonder if you can share your fears with your family or closest friends. If I talk about this to someone now and then get insurance later, could my insurance company refuse to cover it saying this was a preexisting condition? Could my conversations be used to prove that I had suspicions about my health? Would they think to interview my family or friends? At this point, you decide you can't risk it and you feel completely alone facing this situation without anyone even being aware of your struggle. You feel sick to your stomach and begin to experience symptoms of extreme stress.

Finally, you can't hold it in anymore and you confide in someone you trust, telling them how you've been feeling, what you've read about it, and how you don't know what to do. They respond encouraging you to go to the doctor. You want to see a doctor, but you're fearful that if you do you may be diagnosed with something that will preclude you from ever being able to obtain private insurance. You keep hoping that if you wait a few months more, you can improve whatever is keeping you from meeting the insurance underwriting guidelines now: you can quit smoking or lose weight. Or if it's a monetary issue, maybe in a few months you can save up enough money to help with the premiums.

You feel relieved that you now have someone to talk to about your situation, and some of your stress subsides. But without insurance you're between a rock and a hard place: you fear that waiting months before seeing a doctor could complicate your medical situation, but if you go see him now, you risk being diagnosed with something that you can't afford to treat and that will keep you from ever getting private insurance that could help you afford treatment. So you make a choice.

Since we are imagining, I can't happy-end this hypothetical post. There are too many alternate endings: the uninsured person could...

1. Wait to see a doctor, obtain health insurance, and be happily treated.
2. Wait to see a doctor and obtain health insurance, only to find out that irreversible damage has been done to body in the meantime.
3. Wait to see the doctor, still not be able to obtain health insurance and be in the exact same situation, only with a progressing medical condition.
4. See the doctor immediately, find out that the problem is serious, but that treatment is insanely expensive.
5. See the doctor immediately, find out that the problem is not major or that it can be affordably treated.

How does the uninsured person choose?

I know this is a bad ending to this post, but you know what? For the uninsured person, the story sometimes ends badly or with uncertainty.

I bet you've probably guessed by now that this isn't a hypothetical situation for me. You'll have to read my next post to see where I am in this journey.

Lucid Mornings / Confused Evenings

2008-09-02T02:05:00.000-07:00

Wow. I guess I just experienced the highs and lows of functionality that can occur in a single day in Grandma's life. Today when she woke up, Gram was doing very well. She wasn't shaking, she was transferring herself without assistance, and dressing herself. We conversed about stuff throughought the morning and she communicated fine.

Then this evening, I was preparing a pot roast while Gram was in her room organizing her toiletries in the bathroom. Once the roast was in, I sauntered on down the hall to see how things were going with her, and to see if she needed my help with anything. I walked into her room just in time to see her scooping pills out of multiple sections of her weekly pill case. (I had left the pill case in a prominent place in her room so that I would be reminded to give them to her regularly.) At that point, the only pills she still needed to take for the day were her bedtime pills. "Gram, what are you doing?" I asked, as I hurried to take the pill case, "you already took most of your pills for today." She insisted that she hadn't taken any pills yet, and I gently reminded her that she had taken some when she woke up in the morning, midday, and in the early evening. "No, all my pills were still in the case," she insisted. I looked at the case and explained, "Gram, today is Monday...see your pills are gone except for the bedtime ones. You were looking at Tuesday's sections." "Oh..." She finally relented. Thankfully, the dozen-plus pills that she had emptied were still clutched in her hand, and it only took me a few minutes to sort them back into the appropriate places. I'm now keeping the pills on top of the refrigerator. I learn by experience, but I'm glad that lesson took place without her harming herself with an overdose of some sort.

Since she slept in late today, Gram wasn't ready to go to bed until way after I had wanted to be in bed. She insisted that she could get herself ready, but agreed to let me help. All the while she kept telling me I could just go to bed and let her finish on her own. We got her changed and ready so that all she needed to do was brush her teeth and climb into bed and at her insistence I left her at 1:15, assuring her that if she had a hard time getting into bed she could use her whistle to call me. Then I went to bed. 45 minutes later, I thought I semi thought I heard something and sat up wondering, was that Grandma calling me? I didn't hear anything else so I lay back down. But then I heard a whistle followed by "Kristi! KRISTI!" I jumped out of bed and ran out, wondering if she had fallen out of bed. Thankfully, Gram wasn't on the floor. She was sitting in her wheelchair at the doorway of her room. "Oh...there you were," she said as I came from the room next to hers, "I thought you were down there." She pointed to the living room, forgetting that she had told me to go to bed, "Why didn't you hear me?" "I heard something," I explained, "but I wasn't sure if what I had heard was your voice until you whistled. That I clearly heard over the fan in my room." "Oh...that's right, you have a fan." "So what's up?" I asked, "Are you having a hard time getting into bed?" "Oh...I don't know...... I guess I haven't tried yet." "Well, what did you call me for?" I said with a puzzled look. "Hmm...," she lowered her eyes sheepishly, "I guess mostly just to hear your voice." "Well, why don't I help you into bed now," I suggested and to my delight she consented. I helped her in and pulled up the covers. "Good night, Gramma. I love you. I'm really glad you're here." "I'm glad I'm here too."

So, leaving my grandmother's room at 2:00 am, I smiled to myself. I'm not tired yet, since I had quite the adrenaline rush when I thought she'd fallen out of bed, and it always takes a while to come down from that. So now I'm just sitting here on my bed giggling to myself about her calling me for no apparent reason at 2:00 am. And I decided to share it so that you could giggle too.

She's Here!

2008-09-01T18:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we moved my grandma into my house. Now there are two people half-unpacked here. heh heh. (I decided I hate unpacking almost as much as I hate dusting.) But I'm so thankful that five months after we made the decision to move forward with this plan, it's finally begun!

Today we both slept in, and then we got her ready for the day. Since she eats very slowly, I finish way before. She doesn't read so well anymore, so I'm going to read the Bible to her after I'm done and while she's still eating.

After that I told her we should check some of our relative's blogs. I went to my bedroom and came back into the dining room carrying my laptop. "Do you call that contraption a blog?" Gram asked me.

"Ahh, no...this is a computer. But we use it to look at blogs." My grandma has a very vague sense of what the internet is, and so she looked on in amazement as I popped up one of my cousin's blogs. I magnified the window to 200% so that she could see the pictures better, and read the last few entries of the blog.

"That's so nice," she said as we left a comment, "so they see our note the next time they look at it?" Yay! She's getting it! Then we read another blog. And another. The third one had a video clip of my cousin's baby boy playing with his daddy. Gram and I both laughed as we listened to his adorable giggle. Then we watched another 10-minute video that was in the blog. "It's amazing what they can do these days!" she exclaimed. As I shut the laptop she admitted, "I can see why you guys get so attached to those things--computers."

I was pretty happy with her response. :-) It's been a great first day.

Nursing Home Blues

2008-08-30T13:14:00.001-07:00

Did I mention that my new house is just accross a parking lot from a nursing home complex? It is. Last night Trisha and Carter spent the night (much to my delight), while they were treating their house for fleas. This morning we said our goodbyes and I closed the door behind Trish as she left.

Just then I heard this strange sound. At first I thought it was the wail of some animal, but then I barely made out words midst the wailing, "Waaaaaaaait! Haaalp Meeeeeee! Paaleeease!" I quickly opened the door back up to see who was making the noise. I looked around for some screaming kid, but then realized the voice sounded more mature. Hmmm...I shaded my eyes from the son, and peered through the chain link fence that runs between my road and the nursing home parking lot. There, in an archway that must lead to a courtyard, I saw the figure of an old man stooped over in a wheelchair. I realized that he was the source of the wailing, and that he was trying to attract the attention of Trisha and I as we stood in my driveway.

As our ears adjusted to his warbled voice, we realized that instead of yelling "Puhlease!" over and over again, he was yelling, "Pooooliice!"

"Call the police, their killin' me!" he hollered. "Police, get the police! I need the police!"

Trisha and I looked at each other quizzically. "Should we call the police?" I asked, "Just in case there is something going on?"

"Nah," decided my social-worker sister turned therapist, "I'll just go talk to him." So I sat down in her backseat next to where Carter was buckled in while she proceeded to walk around the fence and across the parking lot to the man who screamed all the more when he saw her approaching.

"Please, Lady!" he shouted,"Don't come here if you want to live, just call the police! I need the police!" By now, there were two women wearing scrubs on his side of the fence that appeared to be trying to subdue him. I couldn't hear them or Trisha from my seat in her car, but I could still hear the man yelling. Trisha must have asked him his name because I shouted, "Don Walters!!" and then, "Nice to meet you Trisha, but call the police!" At some point he yelled, "IT HURTS!!! They gave me my medicine already but it still hurts! I need the police!" Trisha was squatting down so she could be eye level with the man through the gate, but he didn't like whatever she was saying to him. "Don't you have a brain?!" he berated her, "You need to get a brain!" About that point, the two women who worked there, began to wheel him away from the courtyard and Trisha returned, on the way assuring concerned neighbors that everything was okay.

According to Trish the building closest to my road Psych Ward and this guy had only been there a couple days and was having a hard time adjusting. "He told me they were beating him," she said, "and he kept pointing to his dressed wounds. It looked to me like he may have fallen on the ground from his wheelchair or from a bed or something."

"How did the people who worked there treat him while you were there?" I asked.

"They seemed nice, but then I was right there." We stood there for a minute.

"It's hard," I finally said, "There are places that don't treat people well, but how do you know whether or not to believe someone who is behaving erratically and crazy? But then again, everyone who works there could be really nice except one mean person who really did do something to hurt the guy. That wouldn't be too hard to believe..."

I decided to keep my eyes and ears open. and I've been hoping to go visit with some of residents at some point, so maybe I can ask them how well they like the place and see what they say. All I know for sure is that I'm really glad that starting tomorrow my Grandma will be here with me.

________________________
I hope I didn't give the impression that my grandmother's current place is abusive. They have been kind to her, I just think I can offer her an even better quality of life, here living with someone who loves her.

I Get By with A Little Help from My Friends

2008-08-22T02:04:00.000-07:00

I'm a notorious underestimater. If I say it'll take me ten minutes to get ready, I'll be ready in twenty. It takes 2 hours and 20 minutes to get Pacific City, but I always say it will take 2. How tall is my baby sister? Oh...about 4'10" (actually she's 5'2.5"). I'll try on this size--oops I'm not that small. And of course, I always underestimate any task I'm going to undertake. Like in December, I was convinced I could pack up my entire apartment in 12-14 hours. Ha! Try 30ish.

So today I was going to paint the interior walls of my new house. Yes, all the walls. I was smart enough to realize that I needed help, but I figured between Eric, Tracy, Mindy, Andrew and I, we could get it done in 6 or 7 hours. Again, HA! We painted from 1pm until 1am, and we still have 3-1/2 rooms left to paint! And that was with Amber and Zachary helping for a few hours as well. I knew this was going to be a big job--but I completely underestimated how big.

So, after a loooong day of painting today, and looking forward to day of painting tomorrow, followed by a moving day on Saturday, I'm so thankful for my friends and family and their willingness to help me get this stuff done. I seriously could not get it done without them. Thank you guys so much!

The Golden Key

2008-08-19T23:41:00.000-07:00

It all started with a golden key that I received this evening. But what is it for?

Hmm....here's a door. I wonder if it will work.

It works! I'm sure you can guess what door my golden key opens...

That's right, it's the door to my new house.

After several years of working and saving and praying...the Lord has blessed me with a house!

I figured I'll wait to take inside pictures until everything's in place...so stay tuned.

"Oh...Hi...Umm..I'm living downstairs here..."

2008-08-09T17:29:00.001-07:00

Have I mentioned what a blessing my friendship with the Smart family has been? They have provided me with a place to stay, with storage for my belongings so I don't have to pay for a storage unit, with companionship, friendship, lots of laughs and even car repair. Andrew has helped me with my car two or three times since I've lived here--in fact just the other week he put one of his car's battery in mine to help me get home and then two days later had replaced my faulty alternator before I was even up in the morning, and this afternoon he fixed my long-broken window! (Another thing that I've come to enjoy about having a man in the house is that he'll carry heavy suticases and boxes up the stairs for me. I could get used to that.) The boys are constantly encouraging me, and hugging me and even writing things at school that include me in the family. Amber is like another sister to me, and we have stayed up [too] late many nights hanging out talking about our lives and our faith and our future plans and hopes. As I grow and my closest friends from high school and college move away or travel the world, I'm so glad to add to their ranks a friend who is settled with her familiy HERE. So...yeah, I love the Smarts. Living with them has been fun and healing (going through the last 6 months living in an apartment alone would have been much harder for me emotionally), and I am so thankful for this time!

But sometimes living with a family can bring up strange situations. So...that brings me to today's humorous and slightly uncomfortable story.

Last night all the Smarts spent the night in Seaside, and then Andrew (who leads worship on Sundays at his church) came home today while Amber and the boys stayed for a few more days.

A little while ago, while Andrew was out in the yard, he was chatting with his next-door neighbors and mentioned that Amber and the boys were out of town. His kind-hearted neighbors invited him over for dinner so he didn't have to eat alone, seeing as how his family was gone. After he had finished working outside, Andrew came in to quickly shower and change before heading next door.

Meanwhile, I'm in my room in the basement wearing "laundry day clothes" (mis-matching shirt and ugly sweats), doing my laundry and watching the Olympics, completely oblivious to the the above-ground world. Boom boom, boom, boom, boom. I hear someone firmly pounding on the front door through the clamorous dialogue of the ridiculous sportscasters who were commentating on the event of the moment. I figured the door wasn't for me and waited for Andrew to answer it. But he didn't. Huh....well, maybe he went somewhere, I thought to myself. So, as a kind basement-tenant, I went to answer the door for him.

I open the door and the man standing there gives me an odd look. "Hi," he says slowly, "is Andrew there?"

"I think he is," I reply, then turn to call up the stairs "Andrew! ANDREW! Are you here?"

I hear Andrew's voice muffled through a closed door asking "what?"

"SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR FOR YOU," I yell back. Then turning to the man on the porch I asked, "Are you one of the neighbors?"

"Yeah. We live right next door," he answers, "Andrew was going to come over to our house for dinner."

"Oh.....Hi," I reply in a tone I'm trying to keep warm despite the neighbor's stare.. We stand there waiting for Andrew to come to the door and I'm acutely aware of the fact that this man is looking at me a bit strangely. I shouldn't have answered the door, I thought, this is weird. And then...I get it. Andrew had told his neighbors that his wife and kids were out of town, and they had invited him over so he wouldn't have to be alone. Then they come over and some strange woman opens the door. I quickly try to explain who I am: " Umm...I'm living downstairs here until I can get a house." It is clear to me now that Andrew isn't going to be able to come to the door for a while. I feel agonizingly uncomfortable under the neighbor's gaze, and I decide it's time to get rid of him.

"I think Andrew might be in the bathroom..." I suggest. Now, you have to understand that I have indeed been well trained by my parents to say something like, "he's indisposed right now" instead of "he's in the shower" or "he's in the bathroom." But at this point, I think the neighbor is looking at me like I'm the other woman, and I can't bring myself to say "he's indisposed," lest he interprets it all sleazy-like.

"Can you just tell him we're ready for him to come over?" he asks.

"Sure, I'll let him know."

I smile. Neighbor smiles. Neighbor leaves. I shut the door. Just then Andrew appears. "Your neighbor came to say they're ready," I tell him.

"Okay, great!"

________________

Apparently the neighbors asked about me that night at their dinner, and I'm glad that Andrew could explain to them who I am and why I'm there, and remind them that my car has been in the driveway for 8 months now (wow...I can't believe it's been that long). But it sure made me feel icky when I thought the neighbor might think ill of me. As I said, sometimes living in another family's basement can put me in odd situations. :-) But I love 'em (the family, not the situations).

Jr. High Girls Camp 2008

2008-08-03T13:14:00.001-07:00

I was once again amazed by God's grace, peace and beauty as I saw him working in the hearts of 108 jr high girls this week!

Highlights of the week include:

► My computer--which was to be used for all our lessons and worship sessions--broke down completely five minutes before our first chapel time. I actually laughed. "I should have expected this," I told one of the staff members. Thankfully, the previous night when I had edited the PowerPoint® presentations, I had thought, If something happens to this computer we could lose everything we need for this week, and so I had copied all my camp files to my memory stick. We were able to just use Amber's laptop for the rest of the week. What could have been disastrous ended up not being a problem at all.

► For the first time in four years of directing this week of camp, we had to send home a camper due to behavioral problems. Even that went well because the girl was sad to leave, she wanted to come back next year, and she knew we loved her. Throughout what could have been a sticky and difficult disciplinary process, I felt complete peace that each discussion and each consequence we issued was done with a heart of love that God had given us for this girl.

► On Wednesday, a friend of mine spoke very honestly to the girls about the painful experiences she has experienced in life, and how God has grown her through them. As she shared her pain with them, it was as if walls of fear were melting from the girls hearts. That night, girls in each cabin began to share with others the pain they felt that they had been afraid to share before. As the girls saw the pain that their friends or even the girls they hadn't liked before had experienced, their hearts softened toward one another. After that evening the entire camp was unified in love and understanding in an amazing and inexplicable way that I believe only came from God. It was amazing to see cliques that had been fighting suddenly want to spend time together, suddenly accepting each other. I can't really describe the feeling that permeated the rest of the week...but there was a lot of acceptance and compassion for one another.

► After we sent the girl home, some of her friends were very upset with us, but as we talked with them and showed love to them, their hearts softened toward us--especially after Wednesday night. Thursday afternoon, three of the girls came to me and were talking about the experiences of someone they knew. "I can't believe he left her when he found out she was pregnant and then thought he could come back once she lost the baby!" one girl exclaimed with disgust. "It's so sad," I replied, "I see so much pain that comes from experiencing full physical intimacy with someone before there is full emotional intimacy and before there is complete commitment to one another." The girls were listening intently, so I continued. "There are so many people who feel love for someone and give themselves to that person only to find out that the other person was not as committed. That's one of the reasons why I believe the only safe place for sex is within committed life-long relationship with another person. In our culture, the way we publicly make that commitment is through marriage vows and a marriage ceremony." To my amazement, the three girls (one of whom was seen to have condoms in her purse) nodded their understanding. They were still quiet so I decided to keep going. "Of course, another problem is that these days marriage is viewed less as a life-long commitment and more as a temporary arrangement. I think people have become confused about what love is. They think that love is butterflies in the stomach, and raw attraction. Love stories often end at the beginning of commitment, and they don't show you the hard times that come next. Real, life-long love is choosing to show love to someone you are committed to, even when the feelings aren't there for a period. A mother may not have oogly feelings toward a child that is screaming hateful things at her, but a loving mother does what is best for her child even when it is not easy." I looked at the girls who had just been sharing about how much their parents' divorces had hurt them, "I'm hoping that since you guys have experienced the pain that comes from splitting up a family or from growing up with only one parent, you will be the generation to do things differently. I hope that you guys can decide to save physical intimacy for a fully committed relationship to save yourselves from hurt and to make sure that the children you have will grow up with two parents who love them. And I hope you will realize--unlike the generations before you--what true love is, and that you will work to have healthy marriages that survive the hard times, so that your children do not have to experience the things that have been so hurtful to you." The girls looked serious and thoughtful, but they were nodding as I talked. I pray that God will give this next generation the strength to do things differently, even when it is difficult, and that they and their children will be blessed because of it.

► After Wednesday night's openness and transparency, several girls felt safe enough to ask for help with abuse that has occurred in their home and to admit their struggle with body image or eating disorders. As a camp, we have done and will continue to do what we can to ensure the safety of each girl and to see that she receives the help she needs in order to begin to heal.

► On Friday night, a counselor asked me to sit down with her cabin as they were asking many difficult questions. Included in her cabin were three young women who honestly told me, "We are not Christians yet, but we're thinking about it and we are trying to see if it is right." Some of them had felt a lot of pressure this week to begin a relationship with God through Jesus, and I think the pressure was relieved slightly when I affirmed how important I thought it was for them to consider this decision seriously and thoroughly. These girls were amazing! Some of the questions we discussed were:

How can we trust the Bible to be true?
How can a loving God allow anyone to experience hell?
Why do you claim that Jesus is the only way to heaven?
What happens to babies, mentally handicapped people, and people who have never heard about Jesus die?
How does a person cross over from wondering to believing?
Can someone live a happy life without a relationship with God?
Does it matter if two people in a marriage/relationship have different beliefs?
If God is more powerful than Satan, why doesn't he destroy him right now?
Why did God let people choose to sin?
If God knew people would sin and some would be eternally separated from him, why would he make us?

There were no miraculous breakthroughs, but I could see God's holy Spirit working to draw these girls to him. I pray that the words I spoke and the attitude I portrayed would represent God's glory and truth well, and that where I failed God will lead them to his truth.

___________________________

Overall it was a really great week. Even though some things were difficult, God allowed me to feel peace and have a fairly stress-free week. The stress I did experience had less to do with camp and more to do with my health and the loan process. I truly enjoyed speaking in the mornings, and although I’m sure that the hot topics we discussed in the evenings (friendship, peer pressure, depression, body image, and relationships) are the things the girls will remember the most, I’m absolutely okay with that. I do hope that when we talked about heaven, it helped the girls begin to imagine that it will be a wonderful, exciting, adventurous place. And that they will begin to look forward to and even long for this place where they can be in the presence of the God of the universe who created each of us and loves us and died for us and calls us to come to him.

Lord thank you for such a wonderful week. Thank you for leading me in what to say to specific girls and for giving me ideas of how to communicate with them when they were asking tough questions. Use the truth you spoke through me to minister to the girls where they are, and anything that I said from myself that was not true or helpful for them, allow them to forget. Please grow and encourage those girls who trusted in Jesus this week. Please comfort all who are hurting, and allow them to feel your presence in a very real way as they go through hard times. Please bring healing to the hearts of these girls as they seek to find their identity and their value in relationship to you! I know you love them more than I do, and I trust you to work things for good in the lives of those who are yours. Amen.

Living It

2008-07-25T11:21:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I leave for a week of camp in Estacada, Oregon. This will be the fourth year that my friend Amber and I have planned, prepared for and directed a week of camp for Jr. High Girls. This year I will also be our morning speaker.

Our theme for the week is Olympics and in the mornings I will be comparing our lives in relationship to God to a race. We'll be talking about how running our the right race (in relationship with God) will result in a wonderful prize (eternity with that God). We'll be talking about seeking out coaches to mentor us (like Paul & Timothy's relationship), and surrounding ourselves with teammates who encourage us to love God and people more and do what's right. We'll be talking about training ourselves and how that is difficult but it gets easire over time, and how it is definitely worth all the hard work. On Thursday we will be talking about hardship and pain. We'll see how in Hebrews 11, many people before us have obeyed God, even when it was hard, because they had faith that they would one day receive a reward that is better than all the suffering they have experienced. We'll also talk about how God has a different perspective on our hard times than we do. That's because we're just flailing about in them, but God is working them out according to his plan for our lives. He will use these hard times to grow us, to strengthen us, and to draw us closer to him.

That's what I'm planning on saying this week. But saying it is soooo much easier than doing it. The last couple days have been very difficult. On Wednesday I talked with two different people who are going through gut-wrenching, life-altering hardships. How do I offer hope to someone who feels as if they are drowning in pain and grief and uncertainty? In the end, all I can do is cry with them, pray with them, and remind them that God has not left them and that nothing that is happening is beyond his control. There is hope, dear world, even when you cannot see it or feel it or imagine it! Jesus himself experienced betrayal, abandonment, emotional and physical suffering; but in all that he knew that the pain would end in the conquering of sin. And when our character and our lives have been perfected in His presence--and sin is no more, and the curse is no more, and this fallen world is no more--then, THEN, you will experience the fullness of joy, and you will not have to fear this pain ever again.

So I've said it. But the Lord is calling me to live it. Yesterday my car broke down, leaving me stranded on the side of the road. Yes, the car that was to drive me and two counselors out to camp tomorrow. I need to get a new car, but how am I going to afford that? This morning I found out that there is a problem with my loan application. We're going to see if we can fix it, but there is a possibility that my home-buying dream may not be working out afterall. And then there is something else, which I would rather not share in this public forum, but it has fairly serious ramifications for my life and has caused me much anxiety over the past few weeks. I'm not trying to pretend that these things are comparable with the pain that some of you have experienced or are experiencing, but it has been enough that I have had to verify whether or not I could truly practice what I preach (to use a cliché).

So I'm sitting here and I'm kind of wondering why I'm writing this all here. But I think this is why. It's because I want to say to myself and to all of you that I believe that God is in control of my life. Nothing is happening to me without his consent, and I trust him to fulfill his promise to work all things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28). Does that make our pain stop? No. But it does give us hope for the future whether that future will be fulfilled in this life or in the next. God does not promise to give his people easy lives, free from problems or pain or suffering. Instead he asks us to follow in the footsteps of Jesus, one who bore so much burden for the sake of others. But he does promise to never leave us, to guide us, to comfort us, to give us peace, to use what we are going through to strengthen us, and to work it for good in our lives. And he also promises us a beautiful future day when it will be said:
"The dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away!"

_____________________________________________
I would truly appreciate your prayer this week for my friends, for our week at camp and for me. That all would bring glory to God, whatever may come.

My arm works just fine, thank you!

2008-07-12T04:04:00.000-07:00

I used to think electric toothbrushes were for weak or lazy people. Hey, until I lose the ability to move my arm slightly back and forth, I'll stick with the manual toothbrush!

Recently, though I've decided that my gumline is maybe starting to recede a bit by one of my teeth in particular. I've been told that vigorous and extensive brushing (a favorite pasttime of mine) can chase those gums back even further, but an electric toothbrush that cleans without as much pressure can give your gums a break and allow them to grow back a bit. I specifically heard that in regards to a very expensive electric toothbrush. Well, I couldn't bring myself to pay $100 for something I'm used to paying $2 bucks for, so I comprimised and bought a $7 dollar one.

Having just completed my first brushing with the electric toothbrush, it is too early to see any change in my gumline. But I did notice a side effect that I didn't really expect. My teeth feel SO much smoother and cleaner than they usually do after brushing. I think I'm hooked. I thought I was doing a great, thorough job with my arm and manual brush, but I don't think I can go back. Alas! I too have become one of the lazy masses entrusting my dental hygiene to AA batteries.

Glimpses Into the Mind of Kimiree

2008-07-11T04:16:00.000-07:00

The time is 9:30pm and the place is my parents' family room. My mom is hunched over a Charlie Brown puzzle and my 18 year-old sister is sitting near me and we're talking.

Kimiree (the 10 year old) is watching my mom work on the puzzle. Suddenly, Kimiree turns to me and announces, "I want you and me to get matching outfits and then have our picture taken together!"

How does she know what I want for Christmas?

It's dinner time at my parents' house and I'm over there for the evening. Kimiree is sitting to the left of me and she suddently turns to me and with pity in her tone asks doubtfully, "Kristi...do you really think you're ever going to get married?"

When Kimiree was younger, she nicknamed me her "Cushy Sister." Even though I sometimes was sensitive about my weight, I couldn't help but smile. She wasn't making a fat joke, she just thought I was the most comfortable sister to hug! :-) This last week she said to me, "Kristi, I am soooo sorry that I called you the "Cushy Sister."

Another evening when I was at my parent's house for dinner, my Dad's long-time friend was in town and staying with my family overnight. While we're at the table with our guest, Kimiree asks, "So...why is it that boys can't have babies? Is it because they don't have boobs?" (Yeah, it's past time for "The Talk.")

I love my baby sister--and I love the way she makes me laugh!

____________________________________
These pictures aren't current, but they're from a particularly fun day we shared in 2005!

Ugly Insect Bite

2008-07-10T15:01:00.000-07:00

I woke up on July 5th with a nickle-sized Insect bite on my knee. I don't remember ever having such a dark and large bite mark. After four days and it still not going away, I took some pictures of it last night, just to keep track of it.

This morning it looks as if it's changed abit. Now it's bullseye-collored.

I've heard the bullseye is a mark of a brown recluse spider, but I think the lesion is way too small for that, plus it should have grown and developed over the first few days--not to mention that brown recluses don't nest in my region. I read somewhere that tick bites can remain for weeks and small ones are coin-sized, and some of them form bullseye's, so maybe that's it. I don't know, I've never seen a tick. And don't people get ticks from outside? I was outside sitting on the grass on the 4th of July, but I was wearing jeans that covered my legs. And I never felt or saw anything that night--only the next morning. Do ticks craw around inside houses?

Okay, enough about my spider or tick or insect bite. If you have any ideas on what it could be, let me know!

Have I Mentioned That I Hate Sales Pitches?

2008-07-03T10:15:00.000-07:00

I do. I hate it when people pressure me to buy something I don't want or need, or something that I just can't afford.

For several years I've been using a European-Based desktop publishing program (that I much prefer to Publisher, which came with my MS Office package). The software for this program always starts out at over $100 dollars when a current version is released, but I often end up upgrading just before the one after that is released, and get the soon-to-be second-to-latest release for $10-$20 dollars. It seems financially responsible.

The only thing that annoys me about the software is that each time it is installed on my computer I have to call for a registration code (the program is usable without it, but this annoying REGISTER NOW screen always pops up). Once, a couple of versions ago, I called the company and waited on hold for 45 minutes, at which point the service center closed and I was promptly told to call back another day and disconnected.

This morning I finally gave in and called to register the program that I installed on my new computer in January of 2007! (Thankfully, I was only on hold for a minute.) Now I purchased this version in 2006, which means it was probably released in 2005. The customer service operator told me, "Oh wow. That version. You know that's 6 or 7 years old, don't you? I could hear an upgrade sales pitch coming, so I tried to save him the effort. "It's a few years old," I agreed, "and I've thought about getting another upgrade sometime. But right now, I'm unemployed and don't really have money to spend on upgrading a software that for the most part works very well for me as-is."

Now, their whole registration process is built around getting us to buy other versions. They input my installation code and then they claim it "takes a few minutes to get the registration number" for me to input into my computer. In those "few minutes" the agent asks what I use the program for, and if I've tried any of their other software. I told him I had what I needed in the program I had.

He then began to tell me about the newest version that was released a few weeks ago and how it costs $130 dollars, but he had an upgrade offer for me of $59.95. I again reiterated that I'm unemployed, but I even told him that maybe once my job started up and I was in a better financial place I would reconsider. He told me "this offer is only good for you today!" (Total lie, anytime you call or check their "sale" website, you get that sort of deal.) When I said that a one-time-offer didn't it make me suddenly have $60 bucks I don't have, he left me on hold for a minute and when he came back told me, "I just talked with my supervisor and received permission to discount the sale price even further down to $49.95!"

At this point I was beginning to feel bad for the "suckers" who actually pay full price when the company obviously makes plenty of profit selling their product for WAY less. I was also getting frustrated with his lack of understanding though, and in a desperate attempt to see how low they would go I told him, "I appreciate the offer of that $10 discount, but I really don't have $50 dollars to spend on software right now any more than I have $60 dollars...the most I could spring right now is TEN dollars." At this point, I figured the sales guy was desperate enough for his comission that he just might be able to get it down to $10 bucks. Afterall, that's what I'll pay for it next spring! Unfortunately, he did not take the bait. In fact, after that, my registration number "arrived" VERY quickly and he ended the call very abruptly.

I wish this technique worked at the gas station. I pull up, the attendant comes to my window and asks, "What can I get for you today?" I eye the gas prices and say, "I was going to fill up, but you know, I don't think I can afford to spend this much money on gas right now." He replies, "Well, that's fine! Because today I'll offer you a discounted gas price of just $1.95 per gallon." (Take it, imaginary Kristi, take the deal!) "I'm really sorry," I counter, "but I just don't have $25 dollars now to fill up my tank." (Remember those days when gas cost almost $2 bucks and we thought it was outrageous? When I first started driving, I filled up the Tercel for $10 bucks or so. I actually remember filling up for 97-cents a gallon.) The gas station attendant walks inside the small building, rushes back out grinning and tells me proudly, "My supervisor said I could offer you $1.61 per gallon!" I reply, "I'm sorry, I just don't have more than 32-cents a gallon to pay!" Of course in real life, I would have taken the $1.95 and laughed at the suckers paying $4.25.

The Sweetness of Wounded Pride

2008-06-30T19:24:00.000-07:00

Our heads were bowed over a fast food table. The 6th grader I meet with each week was sitting across from me praying in a sweet, sincere voice.

"Lord, thank you so much for today, and that we were able to get together today and talk about you. It means so much to me that whenever I need someone I can always count on--" At this point, my chest swelled with pride that she felt she could count on me. "You," she finished.

I smiled. My silly pride wants to be important; it makes me feel good when students know that I'm here for them. But since the whole goal of my interaction with them is actually to encourage them to deepen their relationship with God, it makes me even happier when they know they can turn to him. I won't deny that my pride was restored a bit when she later expressed thankfulness for me, but overall, I'd say her priorities are just right.

They Accepted!

2008-05-21T19:55:00.001-07:00

Just wanted to let everyone know that my offer on a house was accepted!

If everything goes well, our closing date should be early July.

Someone called me "Kristi the homeowner." which may be premature, but sounded terribly exciting to me.

So, I'm not sure how early is "too early" to post pictures of a house with a sale pending, but I'm too excited not to. :-)

The front of the house (obviously).

Living Room (with gas fireplace).

Kitchen & part of Dining Area.

Waiting

2008-05-17T14:57:00.001-07:00

That's what I'm doing.

Yesterday I was sick. Today I feel somewhat better, but I'm still weak and tired. I'm waiting to have energy again.

I made an offer on a house, but still don't know if they'll accept or reject it. I don't even know when I'll know by. I'm waiting and hoping.

I miss being a part of a church community. I've visited lots of places, but haven't yet decided where I want to settle. I'm waiting for peace regarding this decision.

It's killin' me! I just want to feel! To know! To decide! To take some action! And yet...... I'd rather be waiting in the Lord's will than acting outside of it.

*Sigh*

Okay, Lord. I'll wait for your timing.

My Life 6.0 - The Update We've All Been Waiting For

2008-05-10T10:22:00.000-07:00

If I were to divide my life into different versions of me, the way software companies release different versions of a program, I would be on the verge of my sixth release. Each release is similar in many ways, and often retains the same structure as the previous versions, but is different in some key way.

A run down on my life's versions (or stages, if you prefer), with a few characteristics of each release:

My Life 1.0 - Childhood
playing in the yard, unaware of the scariness of life

My Life 2.0 - Bad Adolescence
6th-9th grade, selfish, angry, low self-esteem.

My Life 3.0 - Good Adolescece
Increasing love for God, others, and self. Fun.

My Life 4.0 - College
Venturing out, working, learning how to minister.

My Life 5.0 - Cascade
2005-2008, first true independence, ministry-focused.

And now, what we've all been waiting for! What will the next version of my life hold?

My Life 6.0 - Grandma
Learning to be a servant, taking big financial steps.

So, the exciting news that I am bursting to tell all of you is that I've just been pre-approved for a home loan! This is an exciting dream come true for me. I am looking to buy a ranch-style home on the east side of Portland for me and my Grandmother to live in. My gram has Parkinson's Disease, and is currently in a care home, but we will soon be transitioning her into my home so that I can become her full-time caregiver. I am very excited about this opportunity to love and serve an amazing woman who means so much to me. I think that since I love her,, and don't merely view her as a patient, I will be able to improve her quality of life and provide the companionship that her current home is lacking.

If I'm honest, I'll admit that I'm also a little bit scared. When you live alone, your selfishness isn't visible, because your concerns are all you consider. But I'm afraid that living with Gramma, my selfishness will become quite visible as I learn to consider her concerns as well. I have felt quite strongly that it has been the Lord leading me to this though, so I will be trusting him to give me humility and a loving servant's heart each day.

So, that is what my plans are for the future. If you feel so inclined, please pray for the home-buying process, that God would provide me with an affordable home that will work well for both Gramma and me, and is close to my parents. Also, please pray for my heart, that it would be soft and humble and selfless and that I would follow the beautiful example of Jesus, who willingly submitted to death in order to serve the needs of those he created and loves.

36 Days

2008-04-22T01:27:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I last posted, so I thought I'd give you a few glimpses into the highlights of the past 36 days.

For spring break, I went to the beach with my family. Most the week was rainy except the afternoon I arrived. I enjoyed that afternoon with a leisurely walk on the beach.

Eventually I sat down at this log to watch the sunset.

And a beautiful sunset it was!

Later in the week, the rain suspended for just long enough for us to make a toe-numbing, sand-blowing-in-our-teeth ascent to the top of Cape Kiwanda.

I guess you can't really see the view in these pictures, but here we are anyway!

I left the beach and the following night had a little get together with a few of the girls from the youth group that I've missed since the group ended.

The following day the family went out for chinese food to celebrate Mom's birthday!

I sat accross from Gavin and was amused by his use of chopsticks to transport rice.

He transported it to the top of his hamburger and then told me there was snow on his burger, just like on the mountain where his daddy snowboards.

A few days later, I went to pick up the 6th grader that I meet with weekly for discipleship, and she gave me this collage. It made my day! :-)

Not too long after that was the day Gavin turned four!

He always talks about his friends Zachary and Christopher and Amber and Andrew (whom he met when I watched him regularly prior to Carter's birth), and was so happy that three of the Smarts were able to attend his birthday dinner. Here he is jumping with Christopher and Zachary.

The best gift he received of course, was a red "Mac Hat"--like the one the character Mac wears hin his favorite movie, Cars. (That was from me). Oh yeah...and his parents gave him a bike. :-)

It was fun for me to finally mix my two families--bringing my dear friends into the craziness that is the Smith household. Here Amber and I sit together while I hold Carter. Amber is snuggling under a racecar blanket I made for Gavin (the other part of his gift--although not nearly as exciting to him as the red hat).

The next week was full of fun excursions. After going to OMSI with the Smarts (sorry, didn't have my camera), I went to the Zoo with the Medinas. Gavin was so happy here as he watched the ducks in a pond.

It shortly became clear that Gavin was more interested in his baby brother than the animals. He crawled onto the stroller so he could ride while giving kisses to Carter.

I finally got a picture with both nephews!

When Carter fussed, Gavin wanted to console him with his finger.

After a long, tiring day at the zoo, we got some auntie-nephew cuddle time back at the Medinas.

Later, as I was babysitting Gavin, he picked a flower and carried it around for about a half-hour trying to keep it safe while he played outside.

The second week in April, my sisters and I went backpacking. Tracy had to write a paper at school and then do a 45 hour project related to her topic. I had encouraged her to pick something fun, and suggested a backpacking trip.

Bethany and I went with her and we packed along a cove and the stream that fed it, passing through beautiful old-growth forest along the way.

Since the topic of Tracy's paper was wilderness survival, we built a shelter in the forest--and we were pretty proud of it. (We slept in a tent, however, which was good since it was rainy.)

Two days after we returned from our trip, I went to Pendleton for my dear friend, Katie's wedding. She married a wonderful man named Brian.

The family member who was going to be their photographer got sick and I ended up doing the bride & groom's photo shoot.

It was a beautiful ceremony in an art center with lots of natural lighting.

I am so happy for my friend!

So, it has been a whirlwhind 36 days--full of ativities with the people I love. But with much less on the calendar for the next couple weeks, I'm looking forward to sleeping in my bed every night, resting, reading, writing and preparing for the next stage of my life.

New

2008-03-17T14:15:00.000-07:00

The good news is that I try not to be a pack-rat. I regularly donate old clothes, shred old papers, and get rid of stuff I'm not using. For some reason, the rules that I apply to my material possessions, I do not apply to electronic files. I'm one of those weirdos that keeps almost every email sent and received, filed alphabetically by the people they are to/from. I know, it's ridiculous, but it's true and I don't have plans to change it in the near future.

So this morning I was going through my inbox of 548 emails, putting them into the appropriate files, and I discovered a little gem. It was an email I sent to myself from work (at the church) on November 29th. It was a Thursday, and as usual I was busy finishing up preparations for that evening's lesson for the youth group. In my study, I had stumbled upon an exciting truth that I didn't have the time to flesh out right then, and so apparently I emailed it to myself for further reflection. Here's the text of my email:
___________________________________

Wow! Look at a Biblical Theology* of Newness!

In the Old Testament

God promised Israel that he would give them a NEW HEART that would be soft to him, and undivided. (Ezekiel 36:26)
God mentioned that he would bring about a NEW COVENANT in which he would forgive all their sins.

The New Testament teaches that those who trust in Jesus receive...

NEW BIRTH into a living hope (1 Peter 1:3)
They are a NEW CREATION. (2 Cor 5:17)
Given a NEW ATTITUDE. (Ephesians 4:22-24)
For their NEW SELF, which is created to be like God in righteousness. (Colossians 3:10)
Hebrews tells us that we are now a part of the NEW COVENANT

I wonder why I feel so out of place, so lonely, so…homeless…sometimes.
It’s because I am NEW, and I am living in an OLD place. My eternal home, my dwelling that I long for, will be in the presence of God when he MAKES EVERYTHING NEW (Rev 21) and establishes his kingdom on the NEW EARTH centered around the NEW JERUSALEM—his holy city!

Amazing! Absolutely Amazing! :-)
___________________________________

I think I was teaching on the future kingdom when I got all excited about this stuff, and when I read it today my excitement got refueled.
___________________________________
*When I say "Biblical Theology" I'm referring to the study of a particular theme traced traced throughout the Bible.

In the Midst of Immortals

2008-03-12T13:51:00.000-07:00

There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations--these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit.
- C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

I read this the other evening and was horrified as I thought about how I had interacted with people all throughout the day. It wasn't as if I had done something terrible--crushing a person's spirit* for instance, or spreading vicious rumors about someone. But I was disturbed by the apathy that had characterized my interactions with people. I realized that all day long, I had mostly been concerned with myself: how I looked, how I felt, how well I managed to converse with the new people I had met. It was all about me, me, me.

You see, when it comes to realizing the value of human beings, it doesn't take much convincing for me to realize my value. Afterall, to me my life feels very important. But value isn't something that is singular to me. I'm not valuable because I am a beautiful or costly container, but because inside this container of flesh I carry the image of God. Being made in God's image is a treasure that is common to every human being. If only I had the eyes to see the people I come into contact with each day as precious individuals, bearing the image of our Creator! If I saw them as creatures that are so dearly beloved by this Creator that he went to the greatest of lengths to make a way for them to experience eternal communion with him! If I saw their potential to be the people they were created to be, if I recognized that they were immortals destined either to "immortal horrors or everlasting splendors," as Lewis puts it. If I saw these people as they truly are, would I continue to watch their lives so apathetically? Would my words to them be so careless? Would my attitude toward them be one of annoyance? I think I would not dare.

Oh Lord, thank you for valuing us creatures of dust. Grant me your eyes to see the people around me. Grant me your heart to love them as you do. Allow me to glorify you with my attitudes, thoughts, actions and words. Help me to walk in love and humility and show me ways I can serve your image-bearers each day.

_______________________________
* In this context I mean "spirit" in an emotional sense, not a theological one.

P.e.a.r.ls of Wisdom?

2008-03-06T15:32:00.001-08:00

Guess what I have been craaaaving?!
It all started six weeks ago when I was in Missouri. I remember my cousin cutting up a pear for us to eat with our lunch. It was very yummy, but I forgot about it, because, well...it was a pear. Who remembers a pear?

This weekend however, I was at a friend's house and she put out a plate of freshly cut pears for the group to snack on. Oh my. Have pears always been this good? Tender and juicy and sweet...mmm. I remember liking them well enough when I was a kid, but these were amazing! So amazing that this week when I went shopping, they were the first thing I was looking for to put in my cart. Now the pears I bought are a little firm, so they are now sitting on my counter in a paper bag ripening. This morning when I ventured to find something for breakfast I eagerly opened the bag hoping for an overnight ripening miracle. But alas! My pears were still firm, so I had to settle for a banana.

You know how sometimes you can become so infatuated with something that if you can't experience it one way, you'll find another way? (Like how when I was little I couldn't be on Punky Brewster, but at least I could mimic her amazing sock-layers!) Well, I decided that since I still couldn't eat the pears, I would photograph them in all their delicious beauty. (I know, I know, I really need to get a life.)
Nom I'm starting to feel stupid about blogging about pears. And ashamed at wasting the time you spent reading this. Maybe I can salvage your time yet. I'm pretty good at slanting things, so I could probably come up with some analogy or lesson to be learned. Give me a second... How about this?:

Eat a pear! It's the chocolate of fruits.

Or maybe....

Enjoy the simple things in life. Like pears.

Hmm...maybe something deeper:

Sometimes in life I want what I want and I want it right now. Thankfully, God (in his wisdom) doesn't operate on my timing. This morning I wanted a pear for breakfast. You see, I could have eaten a pear this morning--but it wouldn't have tasted nearly as good as it will if I wait a bit longer. Sometimes when I want things for my life--a job, a car, a relationship, a position in ministry--I think that I need them right now, and I get impatient when God doesn't acquiesce. But if God is a good God (which he is), then I can be certain that in withholding something from me (whether for a time or permanently), he is doing what is best for me and that when I wait for his timing I will be satisfied.

There. See, pears DO relate to real life. Kinda. At least, what I said is true even if I it has nothing whatsoever to do with pears.

Church Hurts

2008-03-04T00:08:00.000-08:00

So there are some things I really enjoy about visiting churches. It's nice to hear a variety of sermons and to just be able to listen without having to worry about audio/visual equipment. I like seeing different ways that different groups do certain things. I love learning new songs of praise. Most of all I love, love, LOVE being able to sit in a room full of peope I don't know and feel a common bond with them--we all share a deep love for Jesus!

But I miss the sense of community. I used to have one--a community, I mean. We were very close-knit, and very intune with one anothers' lives. Now I slip in and out of a pew, my presence barely noticed, in a building where no one knows my name.

And there's the pain. Experiencing the death of our community was one of the most painful experiences in my life. I trust that time will soothe my wounds and dry my tears, but right now the pain is still very fresh. I am so thankful that God poured his grace into my heart in a very real way, freeing me from the bonds of bitterness and resentment. That grace has made it possible for the healing process to begin. Even without the anger, though, it still hurts.

Every church I visit serves as a poignant reminder of what we once shared together. A passage of scripture is read and I think about something that someone once shared during our Communion service at Cascade. Someone thanks God for the nursery workers and I relive moments spent soaking up the love of adults who cared for me in Cascade's nursery when I was a little girl. We sing a song and I remember the joy I experienced leading the congregation in worship of our amazing Creator. It makes me sad to think that I may not get the opportunity to serve in that way in the future. I miss ministry. Since Cascade was so small, I had many chances to serve in various capacities that will not be available to me in a larger church where there is more talent to choose from. Since for years I felt that God wanted me at Cascade to serve, challenge and encourage the body of Christ there, I left much of my sense of purpose behind when I left Cascade (not that I no longer have purpose , but that I'm disoriented and unsure of how God wants to use me now).

Thankfully, the busyness of the week usually takes my mind away from what I've lost, but there's no escape from it on Sundays.

This Sunday at Hinson Church we were singing "Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt & Beth Redman. Not only did this flood my mind with memories of playing the song with the worship team at Cascade, but the words resonate with my heart as well. The second verse says:

Blessed be your name when the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be, blessed be your name
And blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering, blessed be your name.
As I sang those last two lines, tears began to stream down my cheeks. These past months have been difficult, and yet as I've sought comfort from God I have come to know him in a different way, giving me yet more reasons to trust him and to praise him. Although there's pain involved, I know that without the pain I wouldn't be seeking him in the same way, and so I'm thankful for it. Just like a sliver in my nephew's hand sends him running to someone to take it out, so my pain sends me running to the arms of my Father in heaven for comfort. And as many of you who have walked through much deeper valleys than I have experienced know, the arms of the Father are a good place to be.

You give and take away
You give and take away
Still my heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be your name

Put A Leash On That Thing!

2008-03-03T00:37:00.000-08:00

Oops, I did it again. And no I didn't play with your heart; I said something I shouldn't have, and it had the potential to hurt some people. I'm disappointed with myself that I was so careless with my words, and I'm also embarrassed by the immaturity of my rude comment. Yes, that's right folks, in case you weren't aware of it before now, I'm definitely a work in progress.

And since I can't change what I said, I'm going to take it as a mindful lesson to think before I speak and then I'm going to focus on the progress part. When I was rehashing the "crime scene" in my mind, I realized that this sort of thing used to happen much more frequently--me tearing people down with my words, that is--and sometimes even intentionally. The fact that I'm so mortified by my actions now encourages me in that it indicates growth on my part (and I always get so excited when I can see evidence of God working in my heart!).

God's book says that our tongues are powerful tools, capable of producing blessings or cursings. I'd like to have the blessing kind of tongue, so I'm going to keep working on controlling my speech. It'll be difficult; the Bible also says that although people have succeeded in taming all sorts of wild beasts, we have yet to master our tongues. But since it also says that God works in me to cause me to will and act according to his purpose, and since he's already grown me in this area, I'm confident that through dependence on God and self control, I will be able to continue to improve. I guess it's time to get a shorter leash.

Carter Medina is Here!

2008-02-23T03:24:00.000-08:00

Being an aunt is one of my favorite roles to play. When Trisha and Mark adopted Gavin last year, my siblings and I were submerged into the wonderful world of auntdom and uncledom. And last night we were blessed with a second nephew: Carter Lee Schelden Medina.

Carter was born by c-section at 11:19 PM on February 22nd and weighed in at 8 lbs 6 oz.

Carter and his mommy are both doing very well, although they looked like they could use some good rest.

His skin was very red (except his feet which were purple), so I'm thinking of calling him "Edom" just for kicks. :-) Look at those toes!

When Gavin got his first glimpse of his baby brother, he was asked "How many fingers do you think your brother has?" "Ummm....I think four," he replied matter-of-factly, "Because I have five and I'm big!" Later on, we were commenting on how Carter's face looked a little like his mom's. Mark said, "Oh yeah, I guess I can see Trisha in his chin." Gavin looked up and said reassuredly, "I think his chin will get cute."

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* If you'd like to see more pictures of Baby Carter, check out my photo site at http://picasaweb.google.com/TruShoe/BabyCarterMedina.
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Valentines Day

2008-02-15T10:26:00.000-08:00

My routine is pretty much the same every morning: wake up, go to the bathroom. Apparently, they know my pattern. The bathroom I use at the Smart's house is also their laundry room--so imagine my delight when I wandered in there yesterday morning to discover a bag on the washing machine.

Aww, it was a bag of valentines from the each person in the family. They are so kind to me!
Well, this year I actually had the will and the time to get stuff for people, so I spent the day buying balloons and little gifts and writing cards for my family and the Smarts. I came up with what I thought was a brilliant idea for Bethany and Chris.

See, tomorrow is their first anniversary and Bethy had mentioned how sad Chris was that he didn't get any cake at their wedding (besides the feed-eachother-bite), and how much he wishes that they had a frozen part to bring out for their anniversary (I know, yuck). Anyway, sometimes I suffer from over-confidence in my abilities and so yesterday I decided, "Oh, I'll just make them a little wedding cake for Valentines Day and their anniversary." No problem, right? So I went to the store and I got some white cake mix and some eggs and a white deco-tube of frosting. I bought some frozen strawberries that I was going to use to make a filling. The only problem was that I don't know how to make filling. I opened up the strawberries and added some powdered sugar--but that barely thickened them at all. I added some vanilla pudding mix, but barely noticed a difference. I vaguely recall my friend's mom making candy and so I decided that since there was sugar in it, I could just cook it and it would thicken as it boiled. Well, needless to say, nothing worked so in the end I made some frosting, flavored it with the strawberries and just used that for filling. It tasted good (we were all eating the scraps). But it kind of looked....pyramid-ish. In my head, the three tiers of cake were very straight and symmetrical and weddingesque. Instead the top layer of the bottom tier cracked and kept splitting when I put more frosting on it. The second and third tiers were then sitting on very VERY thick frosting, and they soon began to slide toward the side. The end result was a not-very-beautiful, not-very-symmetrical cake that looks reminiscent of the ruins of an ancient civilization.
I wish I could put a picture up of what I was imagining in my head so that you could compare it with the actual result. It was really a very beautiful concept. :-)

At least my whole family and I had a good laugh at it.
But Bethany was very gracious...let's hope for her and Chris' sake it tastes better than it looks!

Small Talk Should Be Banned

2008-02-01T09:07:00.001-08:00

Small talk makes me feel uncomfortable. First you greet (and perhaps introduce yourselves to) one another. Then after a couple perfunctory questions comes the big pause, where my mind races in circles around what has just been said trying to grasp any comment, connection or follow-up question I should ask. If I can't think of any way to continue to draw the person out, I fall back on a comfortable time-filler for me: I tell them stories about my life. Or at least, I used to. See, when you work with youth there are always lots of fresh stories. Right now, though, my life is pretty boring. These days my story would be something like, "Yeah, so I built a lincoln log cabin with my nephew yesterday and then he knocked it down." Or maybe, "Hey I just made $64.00 selling useless stuff on ebay!" I can feel my social stock plummeting with the mention of ebay.

Small talk is especially awkward while unemployed. The first question that we ask one another in our culture is "What do you do?" I used to think that was a sign of our culture's obsession with material success and so I tried to find something else to ask, but "How old are you anyway?" is kinda' frowned upon and "Tell me, how are you feeling about life these days?" is a bit personal for someone I just met. So I'm back to asking "What do you do," but I dread the moment when they finish their response and return the question: "How about you, what do you do?" Then I get to pick whether I think it's worse say "I don't do anything; I'm unemployed," which will cause them to ask questions and I will have to explain the whole story, or if it's worse to actually tell them what I do: "I live in my friends' basement and look for a job inbetween babysitting gigs." Either way I know that my answer will make them feel uncomfortable.

People don't like negative information in small talk. That's why when someone asks you "How are you?" you automatically say "fine" even if your life is in shambles and you pillow is still drying from last night's tears. And that's what the other person wants you to say--that you're fine or great or even fantastic. I know this because I went through a phase when I decided that being a person of integrity required a whole-hearted honest response to the question, "How's it going?" What I discovered is that 99% of the time people don't actually want to know how you're doing. Why they ask, then, I'll never know. But I do know that if you're not doing very well and you honestly reveal your struggles to the inquirer, they will get very uncomfortable and begin glancing around the room seeking an exit from the conversation. My new take is that I only answer the question honestly if I think a person is asking honestly.

Another popular topic in small talk is relationships. "How is your family?" works if you actually know about their family. Or if you know they're seeing someone you can ask about the significant other. When people ask me it's usually "So, are you seeing anyone?" At the point in the conversation where I have revealed to someone that I not only have no job but I also do not have a family or any hopeful prospect of having a family in the future I notice their attitude change toward me. They're afraid to ask anymore questions lest I burst into tears and reveal yet another level of patheticness in my life.*

It's a challenge for me to keep conversation light and peppy. My two biggest blunders in small talk are either monopolizing the conversation to fill the empty pauses or revealing too much of myself too quickly. No joke, a couple months ago I somehow revealed in a short conversation that my mother had miscarried prior to my birth. Kristi, what in the world were you thinking!? Appropriately enough, death is conversation killer. How that conversation picked itself up and limped forward, I still don't understand. But even short of bringing up my mother's personal loss, I still have a hard time not sharing on a level that makes people feel awkward. I can't help it; I run out of "light" things to say--and the things that I really think and feel deep down, those are the things that I want to share and discuss. The weather and the superbowl can only penetrate so far into a person's soul. And I guess unless I connect with someone's soul, I don't feel as if I've really connected with them at all.

Well, seeing as how I haven't heard any of the presidential hopefuls promise to propose a small talk ban, I guess I will have to get better at it. Here's what I'm thinking: instead of asking someone "What do you do?" or "How's your family?" I'm simply going to say, "So, tell me about yourself." This will give them the opportunity to share with me whatever they think is valuable about themselves whether that be their job or their family or their collection of teenage mutant ninja turtles. It will save them the discomfort of sharing something they are embarrased about and it will save me the discomfort of wondering if I brought up a sore subject since they get to pick their own subject. Hopefully, it will also help to minimize the awkward pauses that usually precipitate my anecdotal rambling, since it is a much more open-ended inquiry and can be followed up with all sorts of questions about whatever information they choose to reveal about themselves (i.e., "Cool! So which turtle is your favorite?, etc.).

I've also decided to strike a happy medium when it comes to personal revelation. If people ask me a question that ties into something real that I'm dealing with in my life (whether it's good or bad or inbetween), I'm not going to drop an E-bomb (E is for emotional, not electronic!) on them, but I'm also not going to pretend that my experiences are divorced from my emotions or that my faith is easily contained instead of permeating the various aspects of my life. I should be able to find a healthy balance between stoicism and overrevelation, right? The hard part for me will be discovering that balance in real conversation.

At least I'll get lots of practice. That's the worst part of looking for a church to become a part of. There's often this part in the service where someone instructs us to "stand on up and introduce yourselves to the people around you." For years I thought this was a nice, friendly practice. Now, as a visitor, I dread it. But next Sunday I'm going to take it as an opportunity to try out my new guidelines for small talk.

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*Although I wish there were universally accepted fonts for sarcasm, facetiousness, etc., in their absence let me assure the reader that this blog is written in a playful, humorous spirit not a bitter, self-loathing one. In fact, despite my states of unemployment and singleness, I find I like myself more days than not. But thanks for your concern. ;-)

Reverse Errands

2008-01-23T09:19:00.000-08:00

I usually hate errands! It's a bunch of driving, parking, running inside, doing something (that usually takes time and costs money), driving somewhere else, running inside, doing something else that costs money... Grr... no wonder I hate errands--they take up two of my limited commodities: time and money.

Well, yesterday was a reverse-errand day. I ran errands (with my 3-year-old nephew in tow--I have no clue how all you mom's do this every day. Buckling and unbuckling alone added an extra half-hour to the errands!), but aside from the gas station and lunch, instead of spending money, I gained it! Here's a low-down on my errands:

1.) Turn in church keys and pick up final reimbursement check.
2.) Return dress to ROSS and receive $12 gift card.
3.) Go to bank to deposit reimbursement check and security deposit from my apartment, plus some birthday funds (deposits are so nice!).
4.) Return gifts to Fred Meyer and receive a $45 gift card.
5.) Drop by bookstore to see if they will buy any of my used books I'm getting rid of--I made $76 on the spot!

While erranding drains me, reverse-erranding infused me with energy yesterday. Money is so weird. Or maybe I'm so weird about money. I don't like about myself that money has the power to make me feel secure or uncertain, cheerful or woebegone. Money is just a tool, a necessary part of our lives, useful for converting labor and love and concern into a place to stay, a mode of transportation, clothes to wear and food to eat. History has taught us that it is an unreliable tool, though, so I would be foolish to place my security in it. In my wise moments I recognize that my true security does not rest in my savings account, but in the wise, benevolent God who has a plan for my life that includes what is best for me--even if it isn't what is most comfortable for me!

Mofasida Kristi

2008-01-18T09:54:00.000-08:00

One awesome aspect of being unemployed is that I get to do basically whatever I want! At our extended family Christmas celebration, my cousin Sheila mentioned that I should come visit her and her husband and son in Missouri and I thought, "sounds great!" A few days later I booked tickets for a spectacular deal and ended up flying back on their same flight. My cousin Sheila, Paul and their adorable son Nathan are studying at a Missionary Training Center preparing to go to Indonesia to share the good news of forgiveness with people who have never heard about the One True God or the love he showed us by coming as a man and paying the punishment for our sin.

I spent the week on their 300-acre campus basking in the beauty of God's creation, sitting in on their classes, cuddling Nathan, and spending hours discussing truth and life and God's will. It was such a refreshing time!

One of the classes I sat in on was teaching us how to use kinship diagrams (think family trees) as a way to learn about family relationships and terms in a new culture. We learned that most all relatives can be described by using any of eight basic relationships: Father, Mother, Brother, Sister, Husband, Wife, Son or Daughter. When written these eight terms can be abbreviated by the first two letters in each word. Thus my maternal grandmother would be my momo (mother's mother). This terminology made it possible for us to settle a long debate: who am I to Nathan? He is my first cousin once removed...but what is the reciprocal of that? His once-added first cousin? No, using the abbreviations we can aptly describe me as Nathan's Mofasida--his mother's father's sister's daughter!

Mofasida Kristi was delighted to get to spend a week with the Gunderson family. It was a treat to get to be there for Nathan's first taste of solid food, and I still have a mental picture of the rising sun peeking through the trees, casting long shadows along the shore of the lake! I'm so thankful that God granted me this wonderful week with my Mobrda, Mobrdahu and Mobrdaso!

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If you're interested in seeing more pictures from my trip, check out my Missouri Trip album at my photo site www.picasaweb.google.com/trushoe.

Encouragement From Unexpected Sources

2008-01-09T16:42:00.000-08:00

There's nothing that gets me down faster than several days of seemingly fruitless job-hunting!

First, I looked for available ministry positions--but the few that seemed like they could be a good fit were all out of state. I'd really like to stay nearby at least for the next six months or so in order to be here for my friend's wedding and the birth of my nephew. Next I looked for available office positions in the Portland area. There are many--but not so many that pay enough to cover rent and car insurance. Those that pay better often require specialties that I don't have: speaking Laotian, for example, or being proficient in various softwares that I've never been introduced to (but I'm sure I could pick up on quickly). So, I'd found a few leads, but nothing that jumped out at me as great and I was starting to feel discouraged.

That coupled with the fact that I've stayed at home pretty much the past two days working from the computer made me start to feel like a mega-loser. I'm only one video game console away from being a lazy mooch!

But today was much better. For one thing, I woke up earlier because I used a sleeping aid last night and fell asleep at a decent hour. It's amazing how much less loserish I feel when I'm up early. Then I had a mid-morning meeting with a friend and was encouraged by him and by a possibility for a future ministry position that he presented. It's not for sure, and I'm not sure yet whether or not I'd be the best one for the job, but just dreaming about it all day made me excited again about the prospect having a goal and a purpose--challenging work ministering to people God made and loves! As I said, it is in no way certain and wouldn't come about for some months, but the possibility itself was very encouraging to me.

When I got back home, I had two emails waiting for me. One was from a local youth pastor about the possibility of referring my past students to his program. From his description it sounds like a good program that challenges the students to grow in their relationship with God. I'm taking three students with me tonight to check it out. The second email was from a high-school friend who read my blog on myspace and wrote out of the blue to tell me that my writing had been an encouragement to her. Well that was certainly an encouragement to me!

So today has been a good day. Just when I was starting to feel underwhelmed by the lack of direction in my life, God sent me a few small affirmations and encouragements to show me once again (why do I always need to be reminded of these lessons?) that he is leading me and that he will use me whenever, wherever, and however he desires.

There's Nothing Worse Than...

2008-01-07T11:15:00.001-08:00

...waking up with a spider bite on your face! Okay, I know that isn't true, but still it is one of my least favorite ways to wake up, for the obvious reasons. It means A SPIDER HAS CRAWLED ACROSS MY FACE--and who knows where else! And I can't help but wonder, where did it go after it feasted on my face?

Was it one of the seven spiders a year that experts say I swallow in my sleep (the only statistic that ever made me want to sleep with my mouth taped shut)? Or perhaps it crawled to the back of my head and is currently nesting in my hair? (You straight-haired people probably don't have to worry about this quite as much; you'd be able to tell if there were a spider in your hair!) Don't worry, I reassure myself, maybe it is not inside you or on you anymore. Maybe it just crawled down into your bed and is currently hiding between your sheets. I think I'll sleep on the couch tonight. Even if the monster managed to crawl back to it's home in the wall, what is to keep it from coming back out and crawling all over me again tonight? I'm reminded of the time my friend Jessica and I went to the beach cabin and someone had left the bathroom window open for over a month and there were hundreds of spiders all over the house. We hunted down as many as we could and then we pulled our bed out from the wall and sprayed a perimeter of Raid on the floor around the bed to try to make ourselves feel safer. But what will keep it from lowering itself onto me from the ceiling? Oh the horrors!

Plus, there's still the actual bite. On my FACE.

I can't disguise it. It's a big white bump surrounded by a giant red circle. It would take miracle makeup to camouflage this puppy! If it were on my arm I'd consider lancing it and trying to squeeze out the poison, but I've decided to let this one die of natural causes. (Of course, my paranoid mind is imagining my sad fate should it turn out to be a brown recluse spider bite and my flesh rots and they have to remove half my face. That would be sad. Although if movies and musicals have taught us anything, it is that half-faced people actually fare pretty well. They generally end up either ridiculously talented musicians, or at least rich misers with giant mansions. Well if my goal in life were to be ridiculously wealthy or astoundingly musical...maybe that wouldn't be so bad. But if I want to talk to people about Jesus, then it would be helpful not to frighten people away with my face.

I was going to write a short paragraph about the spider bite. How did this get so long? I'm stopping now. It's just a stupid spider bite. You'd never guess I once spent the night in a jungle hut that was infested with red ants. Well, I'd write more, but the spider bite is swelling so huge that there's no more room for my tongue in my cheek! ;-) I'm stopping now for real.

My Conversation on the Beach

2007-12-30T23:31:00.000-08:00

DISCLAIMER: Please take this blog for what it's worth as a glimpse into my life and not as a theological treatise. As always, I recommend that we root our theology on truth revealed in God's Word and not on personal impressions. That being said, I was reading my journal today and found this entry from three years ago that encouraged me, so I thought I would share parts of it here.

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I can't wait for the day when I will finally be free from the uncertainty of God's voice. I so often can't decide whether I speak to myself (in a somewhat schitzophrenic manner) or whether it is God speaking to my heart through the Holy Spirit. But today I was so certain of his voice.

I was walking on the beach--thinking and praying. I was so confused with all the uncertainty of my life and God's will for it, and I began to dialogue with him. I asked if he had big plans for my life--because that's something I long for. And this was the response I heard in my heart:

"Kristi, look at the sky: the clouds, the color, the atmosphere. So much went into tonight's sunset. See the grand, vast ocean? I orchestrate its tide. Do you see that seagull over there? It's a mere bird, but I made it. I know it and I care for it. All these things I made point to my glory. As do you--but much more so! You were created to relate to me, to be in relationship with me. To know me. Only you can know me exactly as you do because you are the only one exactly like you.

"You worry about playing a 'big part' in my plan and doing 'great things' for me. But don't you see? My plan for you is for you to know me. And to play your small part. You play a small part, as did the seagull, and the clouds and the setting sun. But small isn't unvaluable or insignificant. Your role is small, but it is yours. I give it to you. I made it for you to fill and I made you for it. And that is enough."

I walked back to where I had left this journal and wrote down those precious words and then asked God if there was anything else that I had forgotten or just needed to know, and he silently told me, "I love you. I love you and I made you and I will bring you to the purpose I have for you."

* * *

And that is a promise that I continue to treasure. Despite the tulmult of life and all the questions and worries that plague my mind, I can rest in the fact that the all-knowing God will be faithful to bring about his purpose for me--a truth that is confirmed in Scripture as well as evidenced in my life. Several weeks after that journal entry I received an almost-miraculous job offer from a very unexpected source! Looking back, I can definitely see how God was leading me to a place where he would continue to grow me. So, now I'm just looking forward to what's next.

At Home With the Smarts

2007-12-22T21:25:00.000-08:00

At last! Thursday night I lived alone in a two-bedroom, two-bath apartment (pictured below). I had furniture and clutter enough to fill every room and closet in the house.

Yesterday I started packing at 10:00 AM, and I packed and packed and packed some more. My mom came over and helped for a few hours, but went back home after midnight. I packed all through the long night. I was horrified at how much STUFF I had accumulated over the past three years. At 10:00 AM this morning a group of wonderful, generous people came to help me move! My awesome parents and brother came, and so did my wonderful friends Nikki, Megumi, Ibrahim, Stacy and Mi. Eric & Ibrahim packed that U-Haul expertly and we were able to make it in one trip!

Which leads me to my new home! I am temporarily living with my dear friends the Smarts who have not only so generously opened their home up to me, but ALSO cleaned out an entire room for me, AND cleaned out half of their garage and attic so I wouldn't have to pay to rent a storage unit! Meet Andrew, Amber, Zachary & Christopher Smart, some of the coolest people I know! (Amber and I direct Jr. High Girls' camp together.)

Then, as if making space for me and sharing their home weren't enough, they even unpacked my room and made my bed for me while I returned the U-Haul!

As you can see--it's a tight fit, but I got a LOT of stuff into that room--everything I could possibly need over the next couple months! :-) Isn't it cozy-looking?

So, I am now home in my new home.....and I'm going to go to bed! I haven't slept for coming on 37 loooong hours. I feel like my life changed a lot in two days--but God continues to bless me and provide for me and care for me! He is very gracious, even when I'm a whiner. :-p

Packing Woes

2007-12-21T22:10:00.001-08:00

Ugh. How in the world did I imagine that I could easily pack up my apartment in a day?! I've been going at it for about 12 hours now, and I'm no where close to being finished. Where did all this stuff come from anyway? I have to go pick up my U-Haul in eleven hours... the countdown continues. I'm in packing misery here....but think of how organized I'll feel when I'm done! :-)

Glue Finale Banquet

2007-12-21T14:52:00.000-08:00

It is finished.

Last night was my final time with the students as their youth leader. We invited a few adults who had helped out with events over the past few years, all the students who currently attend a few of the students who have attended in the past. We had a total of 32 people who came for the evening. The evening had been planned by a committee of current students. We wanted it to be special, so we set up the tables nicely for a special banquet feel.

We started off the evening with a few games. The first one was a baby-food eating relay. By the end, I think the participants were feeling pretty sorry for the babies of the world. :-)
We also had a ginger-bread making contest--or should I say "no contest"? One of the houses collapsed early on in the game.

After a game of Glue trivia, we ate tons of pizza and salad and watched a special slideshow of pictures from the last three years.

First we gave the students an opportunity to share favorite memories and ways that our group had impacted them. What an encouragement it was to me to hear how God has let us play a role in bringing people to him and helping them mature in their faith!

After that, each leader had the opportunity to share some "last words"--the things that we wanted the kids to walk away with. Unfortunately, at this point a group of four or five students began to be distracting and disrespectful. This ended in a showdown between one of the adult leaders and a girl who refused to comply that only was diffused when I interrupted my sharing to offer to call the parent to come pick up the girl and her friends. That kind of ruined the night for me. I don't really even remember what I said afterward--it's hard to come back from an interruption like that. I feel like the rudeness of a small group of kids ruined the culmination of three years of building relationships--their behavior robbed me of the chance to really say goodbye. I'm aware that I'm probably being melodramatic, but that's honestly how I'm feeling right now. I'm not sure why God let those girls come last night, but I pray that it was because he will use it for good in their lives, and not let their actions taint the memories of the majority of the kids who were hurting and listening and saying their goodbyes.

We finished the evening with a time of worship together, singing songs offering our lives up to God to go where he leads us and do what he asks us. After a group picture, we allowed the kids to take photos that we had used to decorate the youth room, and I gave them all a contact card with my new email address that I will be switching to shortly and my phone number.
That was the night. Afterward, I was exhausted (I haven't been sleeping well) and a group of leaders and two students stayed to help take things down. I cleared stuff out of the youth room that belonged to me, and cleaned my stuff out of the church office. Nikki and I took one last visit together to the church baptismal--where we used to sit and talk growing up. And then we left the church that had been like home and like family to me for 25 years, eleven months and two days.

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If you'd like to see more pics of the evening, check out my photo site at www.picasaweb.google.com/trushoe.

One Reason I Love Ministry

2007-12-20T00:49:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you about a 6th grader I'll call Kay. A year ago, I had never met this girl with a winning smile and an astute mind. In June a friend of hers invited Kay to come to church. She came for a few weeks and then attended our VBS program at the end of the month. During that week, she came to understand her sin and her need for forgiveness and she trusted in Jesus. During the summer she came to camp with us and the past few months she has been one of the most faithful students in our youth group, attending every possible youth meeting and small group meeting.

One of the awesome things about Kay is that she is a learner! She's not embarrassed by the fact that she doesn't know the Bible stories most church kids take for granted, but she is eager to catch up on them by reading her Bible regularly. Last week she set a spiritual life goal of reading her Bible and praying a certain number of days out of the week and came back saying she went OVER her goal, because she was excited about what she was reading. :-) A few weeks ago, I referred to a common Bible character (Moses, maybe?) and when she didn't know who I was talking about, one student said to her incredulously (and rather rudely), "Are you serious? You don't know who that is?" She retorted, "Hey! Give me a break, I'm new to the Bible!" Another week, two girls had planned a trivia game for our youth group activity time. Kay represented her team and received the challenge to quote John 3:16. She didn't know the verse, and felt bad when other students on her team responded with "C'mon"s and "That's an easy one!" A couple weeks later John 3:16 came up and she jumped to her feet and started quoting it. "I know it now," she quipped, "I learned it that night when I got home."

Kay is a great thinker, and therefore a great question-asker. When we talked about salvation and Heaven she raised her hand at the end of the lesson: "I have three questions," she laid out, "First, what happens to people who don't get a chance to hear about Jesus? Second, what about people who are handicapped and can't really understand?" [She has an autistic brother.] "And third, what would happen if a pregnant woman didn't believe in Jesus, and she died but God knew that the baby in her would have trusted in Jesus if it lived? What would happen to the woman and the baby if they died before it was born?"

One of the things that brings me a lot of joy is teaching Kay--because she gets it! Her quick mind gets to the point I was hoping to make before I even make it. When I'm teaching and I ask a question, I might call on six kids who have ridiculous answers, but Kay's answer will always be dead on. Often she'll say what I wanted to say, but she'll state it better than I could have! One night we were talking about something and I could tell I wasn't making much sense to the group. I tried to re-explain and then asked their confused faces, "Does that make any sense?" A couple of the kids stared at me with glazed-over eyes but then Kay answered, "Yes! It does! That was one of the things I didn't get before, but now I get it!" She then proceeded to reexplain what I had been trying to say, but had failed to communicate. Suddenly the other kids were nodding their understanding. When Kay explained it, it made sense to them. :-) I love the look in her eyes when we're reading a passage of the Bible and suddenly she makes a connection. Her eyes light up like the proverbial "lightbulb" moment, and I can see that she is understanding something new about her faith.

Tuesday night Kay and I were driving down the road and talking about technology. She observed how it seemed like technology that was supposed to make life easier (cars, computers, etc.) seemed to cause a lot of frustration for people [this came up because my car was making odd noises]. I agreed, and then pointed out that technological development brings both positive and negative results. "For example, instead of taking weeks or months to communicate with people at home, missionaries across the world can now email prayer requests to their friends and family and have people praying for them within minutes! But at the same time--the ease of communicating without ever physically interacting with people makes it so that the internet generations are less able to see other people as individuals, and have less personal communication skills." "Kristi," she told me, "that's one of the things I'm really going to miss about you--you always make me think about things differently." That's how I feel about her! Please pray for Kay. She's very apprehensive about youth group ending. "This is the only place I've ever learned about God!" she exclaimed, "I don't want to go somewhere where I don't know anyone!" I reminded her that when she started coming to our group, she didn't know many of us, but she's still worried. If God leads me to stay in the area, I would LOVE to keep meeting with Kay to read through the Bible with her. She teaches me so much as I watch her fresh response to the Word of God.

On Tuesday, Kay gave me a Christmas gift. We've been studying the fruit of the Spirit in our small group, and she told me that when she saw this engraved piece of glass, she thought of me. I was delighted! It's sitting in my living room and whenever I look at it, I'm reminded of two things: (1) No matter what is going to happen next in my life, I can rest in the peace that God gives, and (2) God is faithful to work in the hearts of people, causing them to draw close to him! What a privilege and blessing it has been to be able to witness him working in Kay's heart!

But Officer, I Only Had One Piece!

2007-12-19T23:47:00.000-08:00

Sorry it's been a while, but life gets so busy! Last Thursday was our last regular Thursday youth group--and it went VERY WELL! I'm glad that I got to preach my last message to an attentive and receptive group of kids. :-) It made me feel good. This week was my last Sunday at Cascade, and I was thankful for the opportunity to publicly thank the congregation for all their support over the last 25 years. It was sad, but not quite as sad as I had feared it would be. I guess things are already changing so much that it makes it easier to leave. Yesterday we had our final small groups. That was kind of sad, but both of them went well. Tomorrow night is our youth group's Finale Banquet. I've got a lot to do to finish preparing for it, but I'm looking forward to the evening. :-)

As if all these "lasts" aren't enough, Friday night will be my last night in my apartment. On Saturday the 22nd I will be moving in temporarily with my dear friends the Smarts, who have been gracious enough to clear out and fix up a room for me. Since I'm going to be moving so soon, I've been trying not to buy any groceries and instead eat up my canned goods so I don't have to move them! Well, I had some friends over last Saturday for home-made pizza and I had some extra pizza dough that I left in the fridge for future use. Today I decided to make a pizza that I could eat for my meals until I move. The dough smelled odd today--as if the yeast had fermented. In fact, it smelled very much like a nice red wine--great for drinking, not so great for pizza crust flavor. I quickly whipped out my trusty laptop and allowed my old pal, Google, to assure me that sometimes dough smells like that, but that the fermenting scent/flavor bakes out. Hooray! So, I rolled out the dough, smothered it with sauce and topped it with turkey kielbasa and TONS of olives and cheese (trying to get rid of what I had left).

Fourteen minutes later, I pulled it out of the oven, and cut myself a slice. That's when I discovered that Google had betrayed me. In fact, the pizza did still smell AND taste fermented. I forced myself to finish the whole piece (because of course, there are children starving around the world who would probably be happy to eat fermented pizza). But by the end of that piece I was looking for ways to rationalize throwing it out. I was, afterall, going to the store later on--what if the pizza crust impaired my driving abilities? In the end I comprimised: I peeled all the abundant cheese and toppings off of the pizza and saved "slices" of toppings in the fridge for tomorrow (or else I'd only have canned corn and frozen spinach to eat), but I tossed that nasty crust! Unfortunately, after eating one "topping" slice, I'm not sure if I'll be able to stomach it tomorrow. It's odd how a bit of bread under the cheese and meat make it more digestable, but without the crust the other stuff seems really bad for the stomach. Anyhow, I need to go work on some stuff for our finale banquet, but I just wanted to relay my fermented pizza experience and leave you with a photo of my "topping" pizza.

What Is This?

2007-12-06T22:33:00.000-08:00

It was one girl's second night at youth group and as I passed out Bibles for the lesson time she took one and looked confused. "What is this?" "It's a Bible," I told her. "Oh...what's a Bible?" I glanced at her in surprise, but saw that her face was sincere. "The Bible is what we call this book that contains messages for us from God," I explained in passing. After the lesson she asked me "Why doesn't this book have an author's name on it?" I explained to her how God spoke through many different human authors over many centuries, and how sometimes the smaller 'books within the book' were named after their human writer. Then she asked me the toughest question of all, "So, if it's from God, why did he have all those other people write it--why didn't he just write it himself?!" These kids constantly challenge me to think about things in entirely new ways. :-)

Loosening the Ties That Bind

2007-12-06T22:20:00.000-08:00

Tonight the kids were disrespectful, inattentive, unloving, defiant and downright rude! Not all of them, of course, but I'd say more than half of them were problematic tonight. One girl kept pointing a laser beam at sensitive parts of peoples' anatomy. A group of kids were angry at another girl for telling the truth about their disobedience and getting them in trouble. A boy pretended to sleep during the lesson and when I asked him to sit up he heaved a humungous sigh and then began to noisily blow bubbles with his gum. A group of girls who seem to think that their "cool" status gives them more value as human beings than everyone else were taunting, teasing and terrorizing some of the kids they didn't think were cool enough to be treated with dignity. More than half of the kids were throwing food during snack and then lied about it when confronted. Some of them refused to help clean up the mess they had made. Ugh. You have to understand, I do love those kids; God has granted me a deep inexplicable desire for their well-being. But tonight I sure didn't like them much. It was like a den of werewolves in the full moon. All the kids' beastly, hairy, growling hearts were exposed in two short hours. And while I still love them and earnestly want what is best for them, I have to admit that I think God may have been using tonight to help loosen the ties of my heart that bind me to them. If every meeting were like this, leaving wouldn't be so hard.

Nightmares on Clinton Street

2007-12-04T21:29:00.000-08:00

Today all three girls in our afternoon small group confided that last week they each had a nightmare about church or youth group. Oddly, all three of them said this was the first time they had ever dreamt about church. Each of their dreams involved antagonists infiltrating the church and preying upon our youth group community. One of the girls dreamed that a man wearing the "Scream" mask broke a window and killed me while the rest of them were trying to escape. Another girl dreamt that there were two ghosts--one of which pretended to be a student--who then attacked and ate some of the kids. The third girl had a dream that a group of assailants with weapons broke into the church, took me hostage and hunted down students executing them.

Oh how my heart ached as I listened to them laughing at the "bizarrity" of their dreams being so similar. I don't think they realized what I (who also dreamed last night about being turned out of Cascade) could see. Each of these girls is feeling apprehensive about the changes in the church--and feeling helpless as their community is ripped apart.

Please join me in praying for these kids, that they will discover a new community of believers to encourage and challenge them to continue to grow in love for God and people. Pray that God will ease their apprehension and grant them peace and comfort in his presence.

I Am Woman, Hear Me...Google!

2007-12-01T18:40:00.000-08:00

My family is mechanically illiterate. Yeah, we know how to change our oil and our tires and maybe replace a battery or an air filter. But that is about as much as we do. So having never tackled my headlight or the windshield wipers before, I was tempted to rely on someone else. It would be easy enough to let Jiffy Lube fix everything up, but you know how much they charge for simple repairs. I was sure if I mentioned it to one of several of my friends, they would volunteer to help. But for some reason, I wanted to do this one myself.

The old windshield wipers came off easy enough, it's torn blade flapping in the wind, but I was seriously confused by the diagram on the packaging of the new one. After quite some time trying to figure out what the teeny diagram was referring too, I finally just tossed the instructions and eyeballed the parts and the screws they had given to me. I pulled something back, pushed something through, shoved something on (and then realized that I needed to redo the past two steps and push the something through in the other direction), and then, voila! It looked right! All I had to do swas screw it back on and for the first time in almost a year I had a complete driver's side wiper! Here's the not-so-complex-looking part that took me a while to figure out. :-)

It only took me a few minutes to replicate the process on the passenger's side, and suddenly I had two beautiful, windshield wipers which actually WIPE the windshield when I turn them on! Aren't they shiny and pretty?

The headlight was more challenging. I popped the hood and found how to pull the light out of the casing quickly enough. But then I couldn't figure out how to unplug it from the wiring! The most frustrating thing was that I wasn't sure if this was a brain-issue or a brawn-issue. When I thought I just needed to pull harder, I broke some pieces of plastic off of an attached part, so that made me afraid to pull. I ended up running inside to google the parts to see if I could learn anything more. Google confirmed my prior suspicions that I was doing what I needed to do, I just needed to pull harder. I tugged and pulled, and yanked at that part, but I wasn't budging. I was starting to get frustrated. I hated the idea of admitting defeat and taking my car to a friend's house to ask them to pull since I wasn't strong enough. I'm a single woman! I have to be able to handle these things on my own! This is not that difficult! Finally I muttered a plea for help, "Lord, please. Help me get this thing off!" I thought that I had been pulling as hard as I could before, but now I really was. (I'm sure my neighbors were laughing at me doubled over the headlight of my car, foot on the bumper and grunting as I pulled with all my might!). And then, with a beatiful POP, the old lamp came out! "Thank you, Lord!" And to my delight, after plugging the new one in, the light worked!

Here's a picture of the offending piece! The green arrows point to broken pieces of plastic that fell below.

I can't wait to drive at night while it's raining! I'll be able to see! :-) The final result is below, which I captured for you despite the odd looks from my neighbors as I finally stopped fighting my car and then began to photograph it! Isn't she a beaut, though?

When Worrying Becomes Absurd

2007-11-30T19:26:00.000-08:00

"Oh Lord, help me get through this night!" It was 30 minutes until the students would be showing up and I was consumed with worry. Tonight would be the night I was going to share with the kids that our time as a community together was drawing to a close. I was worried that I would say the wrong things and that they would somehow think that this was their fault. Or maybe that I would say too much and implant in their hearts a seed of bitterness toward the church. I considered putting it off, but recalling the pain I experienced in high school when my youth group ended suddenly and without warning made me certain that I ought to tell these kids what was happening as early as possible to give them time to process the situation. Certain of this, my mind found a new topic of worry.

What if not very many kids came tonight, and then they heard about things second-hand from their friends instead of from me? That could cause lots of miscommunication and unnecessary pain depending on what they were told. "Lord, these kids are yours," I prayed, "and you care about them even more than I do. I trust that you will do what is best for them in this situation. Please bring the students who need to be here to hear this from me tonight, and if it would be better for any of them not to be here, then please keep them away tonight." Once again (as has been happening so much the past few weeks), an overwhelming sense of God's peace calmed my heart and hushed my worrying mind. He was in control, it was all up to him now.

One of the students was dropped off by her mom and she and I sat in the foyer chatting and waiting for the van to arrive. The van was already 10 minutes late and still the clock ticked by the minutes. Finally the front door of the church burst open and a noisy, laughing stream of students poured in the door. "Kristi!" one of the girls squealed and ran to give me a hug. Another one was close behind her yelling to be heard over the group, "Eighteen, Kristi! We had eighteen students in the van--so nineteen people including Debbie." I tried to imagine how they had managed to cram nineteen people into the van and winced thinking of the safety problems that could pose. But here they were--a Thursday-night-record-breaking nineteen students (17 had been our last record)! And that was without three kids who usually get a ride from their parents, but didn't show. There were four boys who had never come before and one girl who was a second-time visitor. All of the core students who I had been worrying about were there! "Thank you God" I sighed in relief.

But what about all these new kids? Why did God bring them here on such an odd night when I would be telling the students that we only had three weeks remaining in our youth program? Then it hit me. I had been focusing all my thoughts on the time after the games when I would sit the kids down and talk with them about youth group ending. I was so preoccupied with what to say and how to say it that I hadn't been thinking much about the lesson that would follow.

Later that night I stood before nineteen kids and addressed three big questions that we sometimes wonder:
(1) How do I know if I really do have a relationship with God?
(2) Can I ever lose my relationship with God?
(3) What happens when I mess up big-time or when I choose not to walk in obedience to God?

I was so thankful that God gave me the opportunity to spend time Thusday night answering the kids questions about the church and my job and their future, and to hug those who were crying and upset and spend time grieving with them. I was also humbled and overjoyed that he gave me the opportunity to clearly share with four new students the good news of forgiveness of sins through Jesus' sacrifice, making it possible for fallen humans to experience fellowship with a holy God! Why in the world do I bother to worry so much when God has proven to me time and time again that he is in control and that his plan is GOOD!

November Seventeenth

2007-11-23T01:07:00.000-08:00

November Seventeenth. It's an odd day. It sneaks up on me like any other day and then BOOM, something strange happens. It's not necessarily a terrible day, just a day that notable things often seem to happen. It started November 17, 1994--the day my Grandma Smith died. That was a bad one. A couple years later November 17th was the day of the first snowfall of the year--the earliest date I ever remember it snowing in Portland! November 17, 1999 was the day I first held hands with a boy. Weird things happened on November 17ths in college: I randomly received money in the mail one year and I had a strange encounter with a crazy boss another year. Last year, I spent November 17th at the beach with a houseful of Jr. High students who were perhaps the whiniest, rudest group of students I had ever encountered up to that point. My friend Ibrahim attributes my November 17th superstition to "confirmational bias"; he thinks the only reason notable things happen that day of the year is because that is the day of the year that I am looking to notice them. He could be right...but then again...

November 17, 2007 joins the list of notable November 17ths. That is because this is the day that I officially received notification of losing my job at the church. The long deliberated merge is happening, and the termination of my employment at Cascade helps relieve our struggling community of some of its financial burden as well as allows a new church to emerge from the two groups that is not tied down to extra committments. I've chosen not to be a part of the newly merged church, but will continue attending Sunday morning services at Cascade until my work with the youth is wrapped up.

I have received "three months notice"--meaning that I will be paid for an additional three months work. However, since over the past three years I have worked about 12 weeks of overtime hours, the church has agreed to pay me for the next three months and allow me to decide how much of that I intend to work. I plan to wrap up my administrative responsibilities next week, but take a longer time helping the youth to deal with this change and provide them options for future growth in community.

November 17th. I told you it's an odd day! (Do you believe me yet, Brahim?) Although this year it was painful, it also marks a great transition that God has in store for my life and I'm trusting him for whatever comes next!

It Made Me Smile When...

2007-11-18T01:07:00.000-08:00

A boy was trying to steal a girl's spot on the couch and in the process he hurt her finger. She made an overly big deal about it, which made him really mad. I talked to him about letting go of his anger, but he seemed unable to do so and seethed in the corner for at least an hour. After a while, I glanced across the room to see the girl he "hurt" and him apologizing to one another and giving each other a big hug!

Sunday morning I was emotionally and physically drained from dealing with students who had been telling lies and trying to steal another student's property. The mood of the entire group that morning was somber as half the group was waiting to see who would face consequences for the night before. Three girls (who are never behavior problems) came up to me and gave me a card that said they hoped I would cheer up and feel better soon, because I seemed sad. They had also drawn me pictures. At the bottom of the card they each printed their name and signed in cursive above the printing--all official-like.

In the car, on the way home there were two girls who seriously asked me "are we there yet?" and "how much longer will it be?" every 10-15 minutes! (It was just like the family vacation movies). One of them didn't seem to get the concept of cities and towns.
--She asked, "Are we still in Tillamook?"
--"No," I replied, "We left Tillamook about 15 minutes ago."
--"Yes! So we're in Portland, now?"
--"Uhhh...no."
--"Well then where are we?!"
--"We're in the mountains...on Highway 6...between Tillamook and Portland."
--"Oh."
Then about 15 minutes later...
--"Kristi, now are we in Portland?"
--"Nope, we're still in the mountains."
--"Are you sure we're not in Tillamook?"
--"Yep, I'm sure."
Just a couple minutes later...
--"That sign said Tillamook on it!" she shrieked accusingly.
--"It said Tillamook State Forest," I explained, "we're still in the forest, but not the city."
--"Oh, good," she sounded relieved, "so we're in Portland now?"
At this point I decided it was time to explain something to this carload of kids.
--"Everyone look up here," I called, interrupting a serious argument between two girls over whose dad or stepdad was the horriblest father. "Have you guys ever seen one of these weird things? It's like a big piece of paper." I drew an imaginary rectangle on the windshield of the van. "There are little dots and circles on the paper with names of cities and towns, and inbetween them are lines that represent the roads that connect the cities and towns."
--"They're called maps, Kristi," called a seventh-grader patronizlingly.
--"Oh yes, thanks. I always forget things...anyway these maps. If we had one right now, it would show Tillamook over here," I said as I pointed to a spot on the windshield near the passenger side, "and it would have a bigger circle over here that said 'Portland,'" I pointed to the driver's side. "Now there are roads connecting the two cities and we would be right about here, inbetween the two." I pointed to the center of the windshield emphatically. "We're still in the mountains--in the mountains in-between the cities of Tillamook and Portland."
Everything seemed fine until Highway 6 dumped out onto Highway 26, then...
--"Kristi, now are we in Portland?"
--"No, we're still about 30 minutes away."
Several minutes later the same girl read a sign on the road announcing that we would soon be reaching the Hillsboro exits.
--She turned excitedly to the student next to her and exclaimed, "Hillsboro! Yesss!!! We're in Portland!"

Toward the end of our car ride, one of the students needed to use the restroom very badly. To keep her mind off of her desperation, she decided to teach the rest of the van how to count in Spanish. The other students listened respectfully to her as she rattled off her spanish numbers: "once-uno, once-dos, once-tres....doce-uno, doce-dos, doce-tres...", etc. But my favorite came after the "treces" when she said, "Sometimes I forget forty--oh yeah, it's quartito! Quartito-uno, quartito-dos, quartito-tres..." I thought about correcting her, but it was keeping her mind off going to the bathroom--and besides I wanted to see what she would call fifty!

Sunday night, one of the girls I had sent home without ice cream called me after 10:00 PM. "I was in bed, but I couldn't sleep," she explained, "and I decided it was because I needed to apologize to you for being bad this weekend." I thanked her and told her I had forgiven her and then we had a great talk during which she admitted to me, "I'm sad that even though I was telling the truth you couldn't believe me because I have told so many other lies."

In one of the small groups last Tuesday one of the students had just shared something semi-personal, when she suddenly asked, "Can I make a rule for this small group we're having?" I told her to go ahead, assuming that she was going to request that we not share her story outside of the group. Instead she said, "Let's say that we cannot chew chips while other people are talking--sometimes chewing is really loud!"

In that same group we were talking about kindness. "What sorts of people are hard to show kindness to?" I asked. One student's hand shot up into the air, "I know: cheerleaders!"

I was looking around the room and I happened to notice one girl burp, and then puff out her cheeks, holding the burp in her mouth. She looked like a chipmunk with nuts bulging in her cheeks and I watched (unbeknownst to her) as she held her burp-air in her mouth for about 20 seconds before slowly blowing it out.

In the evening life group, we were sharing with one another how we rated ourselves at showing love to people the past week. I told the group I felt that I had done very well at loving people that are difficult to love, "I asked God for love for them," I told them excitedly, "and that love was just pourin' out!" One boy looked up startled, "Did you just say that love was porno?"

Tales From the Retreat

2007-11-17T18:25:00.000-08:00

Tears flooded my eyes as the van crammed with students pulled away from the church after youth group. The next day we would be leaving for our Fall Retreat themed "Walk With the Family of God." I was hoping and praying that the students would experience loving fellowship with one another over the weekend and that they would be encouraged to always be plugged into a group of believers. Suddenly, however, I feared the weekend would be a huge flop. Earlier that night two girls had argued heatedly and although I sat down with them to try to help them work it out, they didn't seem interested in reconciling. I verbalized my fears to my brother: "Eric, what was I thinking? There's no way that these kids are going to be able to be kind and loving and encouraging to each other this weekend! They're going to be mean and rude and hateful just like last year, and then instead of being drawn to fellowship with other believers they're going to be turned off to it!." Eric listened patiently while I unloaded and then we prayed together telling the Lord our concerns and begging for his help for the weekend. Afterward I felt less emotional, although I still had a knot of dread in the pit of my stomach thinking about the coming weekend. I spent a lot of time that night and the next morning asking God for wisdom to know how to deal with the situations that would inevitably arise on the trip.

The next night right before leaving for the beach, I sat all the kids down and explained to them our theme and our hopes for the weekend. "If you feel that you won't be kind and encouraging this weekend, let us know now and we will take you home on our way out of town," I warned them, "I don't want to let one or two bad attitudes ruin the weekend for the group. That being said...I'm sure that all of you are able to show one another God's love this week--it'll be great!" And amazingly, it WAS....at least for the first day.

Our first night there we took the kids on a trust walk and I was very impressed with the way that the students demonstrated patience and concern for one another as we led them blindfolded through a simple obstacle course. When a girl fell down the students on either side of her would help her up. Afterward the students did a great job of connecting our activity with the lesson: "We Need the Family of God" as we walk though life following Jesus, our guide.

It seemed like the kids were getting along really well that night and the next morning. Our morning lesson ("The Body of Christ Needs You") was illustrated by the Triminator Quest--an activity where groups of three students were given a list of simple tasks (put on and tie your shoelaces, make a PB&J sandwich and eat it, etc.) to complete together. The catch? Only one person could speak--and the speaker couldn't use their hands to complete any of the tasks. Each of the other two could use one of their arms (one right, one left) but could not speak during the quest. Afterward we talked about how the teams suffered if someone refused to do their part, or how sometimes some people felt like their ability wasn't as important as someone else's but they needed all three to complete the Quest. It was fun and led perfectly into our discussion of 1 Corinthians 12.

Saturday afternoon we headed out to the beach for Beach Olympics where the teams competed in silly events: backward sprint, steamroll race, logput, etc. Although the forecast had predicted rain, God graciously gave us beautiful blue sky and very warm November weather. During free time five girls got into an argument, but after working with them for about 45 minutes they seemed to work things out, which was such an encouragement to me!

That evening we talked about how the early church remembered Jesus together as they ate in one another's homes, and then we had a communion dinner. Before dinner we thanked Jesus for coming to earth and taking a human body and we thanked him for dying for us so that his blood pays what we owe to God for our sin. During dinner we made sure that we were showing loving concern for one another by following two simple rules: (1) no one was allowed to dish up food for themselves, and (2) no one was allowed to ask for anything. Instead we all had to keep our eyes open to the needs of the people around us to make sure that everyone got what they needed and no one went hungry. True, some of the kids found ways to get around the rules (once you ask five people who already have salad dressing if they want any ranch, usually somone picks up on the clue and will offer it to you in turn!), but afterward they decided that if everyone always looked out for one another selflessly, then everyone would be cared for.

So far, pretty good, right? Right. Well... to tell you the full story of what went on later Saturday night would take up far more time than I have to write this blog and certainly far more time than you have to read it (I thank you if you are still reading at this point!). Suffice it to say, I almost took home 7 girls at midnight because of the outrageous disrespect they showed by their disobedient actions followed by a tangled web of lies that I spent the next 10 hours sorting out (minus the three-and-a-half hours I actually slept). Ten revisions of their original story later, I felt I had a good enough understanding of what happened to punish the three girls who had told the most lies and who had been involved in an attempted cell-phone theft. We sent them directly home with the luggage Sunday morning instead of letting them stop at the Tillamook Cheese Factory for ice cream as the rest of the group did. Now the whole story is very complicated and insanely crazy--if you ever care to hear it you'll have to call me and I'll share it with you. What I would like to say, however, is that the entire time I had no clue what to do. Every moment, with every sentence spoken to the girls I was praying for wisdom from God--and I let the girls know! Although at the beginning I couldn't have told you what we should do, I look back at how it was handled and see how God led us step by step through the whole process and I honestly don't think there is a single thing we should have done differently. God's word is proven true where it says in James "If any of you lacks wisdom he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." What a faith-builder this weekend was for me as I watched God amazingly lead me through a minefield of lies and deception, to a place of love and truth! God is so good!

This was hands-down the most difficult retreat I have ever been a part of. Since last weekend I've been wondering if retreats are actually an effective tool for urban ministry--perhaps they worked very well for ministry to suburbanites, but my retreats with urban kids have so far proved fairly disastrous. I came home physically and emotionally exhausted, yet spiritually strengthened because of having to rely on God. Ultimately, I'm not sure whether we were successful in our goal of experientially teaching the kids the beauty of being linked with the family of God. However, I am sure that some of them learned something new about God's patience and love as we went through the discipline process with them. It seemed ugly at the time, but in the morning as we tossed a ball of yarn around and shared things we appreciated, it became apparent that they had sensed God's love through it all. And for that, I'm extremely thankful! The weekend is done; the seeds are planted; it's up to God whether or not those seeds one day produce a harvest of fruit in the students' lives.

Pardon My Singleness

2007-11-02T00:27:00.000-07:00

It's not really so bad that people always ask, "So...are you seeing anyone?" They're mostly just curious. But then there are the students who say things like, "You're twenty-five and you don't have a boyfriend?" implying that there is something hideously wrong with me (which of course we all secretly wonder on our own from time to time, even without the help of prying adolescents). That's okay, though. I mean, they're thirteen and for them relationships are status badges, which means that their surprise indicates that they think my status merits a relationship (in other words, it surprises them that I'm not with anyone, isn't that sweet?).

You know what really frustrates me, though? It's having to explain myself over and over and over again to other Christians who should have similar world-views to me. I mean, aren't we reading the same Scripture? It happened to me twice today! Both times someone asked me (instead of the standard, "are you seeing anyone?") "So when are you going to get married?" How in the world am I supposed to answer a question like that? It's rooted in the idea that of course I will get married. Don't get me wrong here (as both people did today); I don't have anything against marriage--in fact I would love for God to bless me with a companion and co-laborer in service to God. But their question assumes that I will get married. I don't make such presumptions. I don't find anywhere in Scripture where God promises to send believers a husband or a wife, and I certainly don't feel that he owes me this blessing. So I may wish for it, and I may occasionally pray for it, but I don't expect it and I definitely don't put my life of service to God on hold waiting for it.

So I tried to explain that twice today and I got two of the usual responses. The first person basically argued that almost everyone gets married and that if I want to get married I should make decisions that lead toward that (the classic "put-yourself-out-there" approach). The second person was quick to reassure me that there was someone for everyone and I would meet the right man someday, etc.

Argh! Both of these responses annoy me.

The second response makes assumptions that are no where in the Bible. Usually if I point that out ("maybe not all people get married...") these sorts of people start to suspect that I am a man-hater. Next they say things like, "Well, if that's what you really want..." No people, that's not what I'm saying! What I'm saying is that what I'm after is what God really wants for me, and his plan for my life just might not include a husband.

The first response implies that if I held marriage as a higher priority I could be married. Well...that's probably true. I'm sure if being married were my highest aspiration I could be married by now, but it shouldn't be my highest aspiration. What I should want more than anything is to glorify God with my life. If this is my goal, then marriage would require not only finding someone who can love me that I can love, but also someone who increases and strengthens my passion for God rather than diminishes it. That's a tall order! I'm so happy for those of you who have been blessed with such a relationship, but let me tell you that from where I'm standing it looks like a long shot for me.

I guess that's all I have to say. I don't mind people asking me about my relationship status. But being single is hard enough without having to worry about the fact that other people are uncomfortable with my singleness. I'm tired of seeing eyebrows raised at my presumed "feminist leanings" and I'm tired of hearing false assurances regarding the certainty of my nuptials. It would just be nice someday to hear someone say "Kristi, I really hope God blesses you with a husband, but just think: if he doesn't you'll get to experience dependence on him in an even richer way! And married or unmarried, I know God will continue to use you for his glory!"

You Should Probably Try Not to Be Jealous...

2007-11-01T23:21:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I'm a whiner and I feel sorry for myself because my job doesn't provide any benefits and I work a lot of hours. And sometimes I feel stressed out by the way things happen (or don't happen) at my church. It's true that I've sometimes groaned when getting calls from kids late at night or early in the morning thinking to myself, "I just want one day to myself!" But those are the times when I'm being crazy. In my saner moments I can't help but saying, "THANK YOU, GOD for blessing me with an amazingly cool job!"

Take this week for example:

Sunday: I went to church. I would do that even if I weren't getting paid, but it just so happens that it is part of my job because I went early to set up visual equipment and then I ran the system for one service and led the congregation in worship music during the a different service. Except for when I'm worrying more about what other people think than about what God thinks, I love being able to serve God and his people in that way. Sunday evening I had some company over, but had to step out of the room for several minutes when a parent called to talk about our upcoming youth retreat.

Monday: I spent several hours preparing next Sunday's bulletin, and performing general receptionist duties. In between phone calls and email messages I spent time reading a theology book in preparation for Thursday's lesson (notice that I'm being paid to learn cool stuff, there.) Then I had a meeting with my brother where we discussed interesting theological concepts after troubleshooting some stuff about youth group. Later that evening I called each of the kids in the youth group to remind them and their parents about the retreat and answer any questions they may have. I followed that up with a trip to four of the students' houses to take them the form that I had already mailed to them, but they apparently lost. When I arrived back home, I selected the songs for next Sunday's worship service before going to bed.

Tuesday: Again in the morning I performed general office duties (not too exciting), but after that I got to refresh myself on a learning theory called "Bloom's Taxonomy" that I proceeded to use to help me write a discussion guide on "Kindness - A Fruit of the Spirit." (for the evening life group). Then I reviewed the discussion guide for "Patience - A Fruit of the Spirit" (the afternoon life group is a week behind the evening one). I had an hour before the students arrived for the first life group, so I went to the Baby Grand Piano and figured out the keys we needed to play Sunday's music in. Only one girl came to the first life group, so rather than tackle "patience," I took her out for ice cream and we chatted about her life. After taking her home it was time to call the students in the evening group to verify if they were coming. I spent the evening talking with kids about their lives and God's Word and how the two can interact. After taking them home, I got to finish up the evening with some more studying in preparation for this week's lesson.

Wednesday: I went to the church an hour later than usual because I spent time in the morning getting my house ready for the high-schoolers to come over in the evening. I spent the rest of the morning in the office typing up Sunday's music into the keys in which we'll be playing them, then made song copies and also copied, folded and assembled Sunday's bulletins. I studied more for this week's lesson, and then we had Music Practice. Right after that, Mindy and I went to my house to await the arrival of trick-or-treaters and the other members of our high school group. We spent the evening talking, reporting on last week's spiritual goals and making new ones, handing out candy, eating pizza (and of course, candy) and playing a board game. The last students left just after 10:30.

Thursday: This morning I woke up exhausted and with a headache, so I slept in additional hour. Once I arrived at the church I focused all of the week's studying into coming up with a viable outline for tonight's lesson--a tough one. (We're doing a series called, "Are You Ready For What's Coming?" in which we address issues such as death, heaven and hell, general eschatology, Jesus' return and the final judgment. Tonight we talked about Hell--a first for me, which I wasn't particularly looking forward to, but God is gracious and he blessed me with a very smooth evening.) I fleshed out the outline, while trying to figure out how to present systematic theology in a way that would keep the students' attention. That's when it hit me--I needed cartoons! I made an emergency run to the library for a couple cartoon books and spent an hour perusing them for cartoons that purported common misconceptions about Hell. After the lesson was ready, I prepped the upstairs and downstairs meeting rooms and then the kids showed up! I spent the evening playing Chair Basketball with them, playing my guitar to a couple of my favorite worship songs, teaching the lesson, trying to answer incredibly insightful questions about salvation, heaven and hell, and eating cookies and chips with the students.

I'm now home and basking in the fact that I was paid this week to have cool discussions, chat with kids, play music, study my Bible, read theology books, visit students' homes and talk with their parents, write lessons, play games, eat food, talk about Jesus, hand out candy and read cartoons! Seriously, my job is incredibly cool. But it isn't about the candy or the cartoons or the games. Those are just tools that I use to build relationships with the students. What really makes my job awesome is those relationships themselves, as they provide me with opportunities to encourage students to love God with their whole hearts. And watching God work in those students' hearts and transform their lives--even just in small ways--that is what makes my job one of the most incredible jobs in the world!

The Year of Accountability

2007-10-31T22:52:00.001-07:00

This year in our small groups, we're really stressing accountability. Each week every person is encouraged to set "specific spiritual goals" to help them continue to grow in their relationship with Jesus. Knowing that the following week we will check up on how they did encourages them to be faithful in fulfilling their goals. Well...that's the idea, at least. I thought I would anonymously share with you some of the specific and not-so-specific goals that have been shared over the past few months.

I'm not going to be rude to my mom this week by calling her names like "poopy-head."
Read my Bible in the morning and in the evening every day this week.
I'm going to stay away from the friends that are bad influences on me.
I want to pray every night before I go to bed, but I keep forgetting. So to help me remember, I'll put a reminder note on my dresser drawer so I'll see it when I get ready for bed.
Memorize a verse about anger and say it when I get angry. (We helped this student choose James 1:20 which tells us that our anger doesn't lead to the sort of right-living that God wants for us, so we should not get angry quickly. The following week the student exclaimed upon arriving "I did it! I learned that verse and I said it a LOT!")
To say nice things instead of snapping at my brothers.
I'm going to not fight back when Kevin* and Joseph* try to pick fights with me.
I'm plan to read my Bible four times this week and I'm going to spend quality time with my Mom three times this week. I also am going to have a talk with my boyfriend. Oh yeah, and I'll pray about it before I talk with him.
I'm need to make a list of ten things I appreciate about the parent I've been having a hard time getting along with, and I'm going to pray about it too.
I'm setting a goal of not hitting any people in the head this week when they cuss. Usually I just smack them in the head whenever they say stuff.
Start up a conversation with my friends about what I believe. (Came back the following week talking about how she had talked with her friends about creation in a social studies class and was mildly reprimanded by the teacher.)
This week I'm not going to call Kristen Congdon* a walking zit. (When asked next week if they'd been able to refrain from name-calling, the student exclaimed, "Yeah! Kristen* got kicked out of school, so I never even saw her!")
To not gossip (We get this from several students every week--often it's accompanied by a plan such as walking away when friends start gossipping or saying one true nice thing about whoever is being talked about.)
Read my Bible (also set by most students each week, goals range from three chapters a day to 1 verse five days of the week).
Pray (another common spiritual goal that ranges from twice this week to three times each day).
To show love better to my dad by praying for him and by not being disrespectful even though he's making bad decisions by doing drugs.
To help me be less superficial I'm not going to wear any Hollister clothes for a week.
There's a kid who my friends and I always look down on, but I'm going to be kind to them this week by having a friendly conversation at lunch time.
I'm going to pray for patience for my sister so I don't yell at her and get grounded from coming to youth group.
This week I'm going to try to live for God. (When asked for specifics she said,"I've been doing bad stuff and not really caring much, but now I want to follow God again.")
To do better on my algebra test so that my Dad won't get mad at me again.

Some of these goals seem spiritual and some seem not so much so. Some are very specific and some are very general. The common theme: each student is recognizing that God wants them to move on from where they currently are. Although they may not have realized it yet, maturity is not so much a destination they should aim for as a path they should continue on. Whether their steps be small or large, continuing to take them each week moves them along the path of maturity. What step is God calling you to take this week on your path of spiritual maturity?

________________________________________
*Names have been changed to protect students' privacy.

Text-Message Ministry

2007-10-24T22:04:00.000-07:00

I've been wondering about itinerant preachers who traveled through the western settlements in the 1800's, preaching and performing religious ceremonies as needed. I mean, can you imagine the isolation they probably felt? They most likely experienced hours of travel uninterrupted by the ring of cell phones or the jingle of their iPods. Imagine the time they would have for Bible study and meditation! They probably truly did "pray without ceasing" as they traveled through the tall grasslands, riding a horse or steering a wagon--maybe sleeping under the stars in between towns.

Although their job was probably very demanding and required great personal sacrifice, I can't help but wonder if in some way they had it easy. I mean, since they didn't stay in one place they didn't have to get involved in all the nitty gritty details of the people to whom they ministered.

Not that I would trade with them. Although Jesus was in some ways an itinerant minister himself, I believe that those people he affected the most were those who he shared his life with. He saw them at their best as they professed his messiahship, and he saw their worst as they quibbled over who among them was the greatest. Because he lived his life with them and before them, he was able to turn everyday experiences (paying taxes, herding sheep, drawing water) into teaching moments. But the wisest of all Teachers--the only perfect One who has ever lived--realized that since he would one day no longer physically be with his students, he needed to give them opportunities to go out on their own (under his authority, of course), so he sent his disciples out to minister to the surrounding countryside.

In my own feeble way, I try to pattern my ministry after the great Teacher. Unfortunately for my students, I am not always wise, not full of gentleness and patience, not astute enough to see the teachable moments in many mundane aspects of life, and I often fail to love them as I should. Fortunately for my students, the great Teacher has given to his followers his Holy Spirit to continue to teach our hearts and consciences. And just as the great Teacher weaned his students off of his presence, but left them in the cabable presence of the Holy Spirit, I want to make sure that I wean my students off of feeling as if they need me, since they have the same access to that same Spirit that the disciples of the first century had.

One of the distinctives of twenty-first century ministry is that due to current technology, the students to whom I minister have 24-hour access to me via the cell phone. This is something that can get tiring, but ultimately I am glad that the students know they can call me at any hour of the day or night if they need help or someone to talk to or pray with.

Well, there is one student in particular (I'll call her Sarah Jane) who calls me or text-messages me usually two or three times a day. Often it is just to say "Hi," but she also lets me know whenever she's feeling low or experiencing emotional crisis. A couple days ago, as I was at work mid-morning I received a text message from her that indicated she wasn't doing so well. I decided that since I had already worked through one or two previous Jr. High crises with her, it was time to coach her through this one on her own. The result was that I spent the rest of the morning like this:

(Photo credits to my friend, Ibraheem Alhashim)

Our texting conversation went something along the lines of this*:

Sarah: Hi Kristi whats up how are you 2day.

Me: I'm ok. Just at work, working. Aren't you at school today?

Sarah: No I had 2 much on my mind so my mom said I could stay home...I'm just goin crazy.

I asked her what was going on and she listed off to me several of her problems which included a relative making bad decisions and a boyfriend moving far away. My practical side wanted to point out that the she would get over this boyfriend within a day or two just as she did the last one, and that their relationship wouldn't have lasted much longer as it was already at the three week mark. Realizing, however, that no matter how trivial her relationships seem to me, they are very real to her and that makes the pain she experiences very real as well, I decided to try to minister to her pain rather than try to reason with it. I also decided that this time rather than reading her Scripture and praying with her, I would try to coach her to turn to God on her own for comfort. I figured that it was great timing since the previous week in our small group the fruit of the Spirit we had studied was peace.

Me: So what are you doing while you're at home to help you find peace in the middle of all this sad stuff?

Sarah: Talkin 2 my bf [boyfriend] and goin crazy. That's pretty much it.

Me: Maybe you could try reading the verses we read about peace last week at life group, and then try to do some of the things those verses say will help you experience God's peace.

Sarah: Ok. If I try to read right now I'm crazy so I can't think straight.

I wasn't sure if this excuse was because she really didn't want to read the Bible or if it was because she had no clue where to find the verses we had read the previous week.

Me: I wasn't sure if you remember the reference. It's Philippians 4:6-9. Some other good ones I read when I need peace are John 14:27 and 16:33.

Sarah: I will try to read those later. I'm so stressed out over this its crazy.

At this point it became clear to me that she was behaving as a crisis person. Crisis people feed off of the crises in their lives. Big or small, any issue is made out to be a huge issue in order for them to gain attention and sympathy from those around them. You can tell when someone is behaving like a crisis person because they aren't looking for a way out of their crisis. They want you to feel sorry for them, but they are not interested in taking steps to alieviate their stress because they feel like their stress somehow gives them importance. They usually don't realize what they're doing, and they make excuses for why they can't take steps to be helped. I realized that at this point she would not be able to deal with her pain unless God worked in her to empower her to do so.

Me: Pray Sarah Jane. God made you and he knows you're hurting. He is strong enough to calm your heart and your mind--even now. Ask him. He is always with you.

Sarah: I will and thx. Im gonna go to my bf's house now to talk.

I could tell she was feeling uncomfortable and was beginning to shut me out, but I desparately gave it one final shot.

Me: Just be careful Sarah that you aren't turning to people instead of to God. People will always make mistakes (like your relative) or they will have to leave you (like your boyfriend). If you rely on people for your comfort, you will end up discouraged because God is the only one who will NEVER mistreat you or leave you. I love you so much Sarah. I will be praying for you that God would bring some good from these hard times by using them to help you experience the peace that he gives.

Sarah: I know. It just makes me feel better because he [her boyfriend] is always so positive and he cheers me up. I luv u and I will pray that God will show me why life is so hard and why the people u luv the most hurt u the worst.

She didn't get it; she was too preoccupied with being a victim to see how God could use her pain to teach her about his grace. I so badly wanted her to see beyond herself to see his plan.

Me: Life is hard because people sin. But when life is the hardest it makes me the most excited for a world without sin...and in God's presence!

Sarah: Ok. cool beans. cant talk no more. im sittin here wit my bf so talk 2 ya 2maro.

Me: Ok...see you tomorrow.

You know, an itinerant preacher would not have been accessible during one of his congregants mini-crises, which means he would not have felt the disappointment I felt the other day. I made a concious effort to coach "Sarah" to turn to God for peace and her unwillingness to do so made me feel like a failure. But you know what? Just like an itinerant preacher, I really can do nothing more than speak truth, point her to the Truth and then entrust her to God to let his Spirit work in her heart and her life. And because I'm not an itinerant preacher and because I have this lovely little piece of technology called a cell phone, I'll be here the next time she's in crisis to once again encourage her to turn to the Source of all comfort for peace.

__________________________
*I received permission from the student to post excerpts from our text conversation to give you guys a sneak peek into this aspect of my work with youth.

Nightmares

2007-10-24T04:13:00.000-07:00

When I was little I had a recurring nightmare. I would be walking down this dark hallway in my grandparent's house. There were two large furnace vents--one on each end of the hallway. In my dream, as I walked down the hallway a wolf would come out of the vent in front of me and start coming after me menacingly, fangs bared. I would turn to flee only to see a ferocious grizzly bear crawling out of the other vent (okay, the vent wasn't that big, but hey, it was a dream). Both animals would advance with hungry looks in their eyes and then I would jerk awake just prior to being mauled.

Shaky. Sweaty. Heart pounding. Nightmares may just be stories in your mind, but they certainly are convincing to your body. At my house we had a particular protocol for nightmares. There was a spot on the floor to the left of my parents' bed that was the "nightmare spot." If I felt scared I could drag my blanket across the hall, tell Mom I had a bad dream and she would let me spread my blanket out on the floor and sleep right there next to her and Dad. Something about being near them made me feel invincibly safe. Wolves, bears and bad guys were no match for my parents! Of course, I think I realized even then that my parents couldn't necessarily protect me from everything, but there was something about being near them that helped ground me in reality when my mind was terrified by my imagination.

I don't have my recurring nightmare anymore--maybe because wolves and bears are no longer my greatest fears. Tonight my nightmare involved an armed predator taking hostages at youth group and assaulting some of the students. No matter what I did to try to fight him off, he seemed able to outsmart me and overpower me. I finally made it to a phone to call for help, but panicked and couldn't remember the address for the church (stupid dreams!). The bad guy found me on the phone and was going to kill one of the students as punishment for me calling 911. He pointed the gun at her head and cocked it. That's when I jerked awake. Sweaty. Shaking. Heart pounding.

I can't help wishing tonight that I had someone else here with me to help ground me in reality and make me feel safer. I hope that those of you whom God has blessed with a spouse feel thankful the next time you wake up feeling frightened and are calmed by seeing them sleeping next to you. But I'm not writing to throw a singleness pity party. :-) My nightmare protocol is pretty much the same as it was when I was little, only I go to a different Parent and I only spread my blanket out next to him figuratively.

Lord, thank you for being with me always. Please calm my heart tonight. I know that all things are in your hand--including the youth group kids. Please protect their bodies and their spirits and help me to rest in the fact that YOU are a much better protector than I could ever be. Thank you for giving me your peace. Please help me to experience restful sleep knowing that you are near me.

Chuch Update

2007-10-14T00:17:00.000-07:00

Many people have been asking me how things have progressed at my church with the possible merger. Everything is still pretty much in limbo. People from both groups are meeting weekly with the goal of discovering if we have compatible ideas about church doctrine and structure. My understanding is that once that study is complete (probably sometime in December) leaders from the two groups will decide whether or not they feel that God wants us to join into a single community of fellowship. As such, I do not expect to have any more news about the situation or about my position at the church until the end of this year. Thank you to those who have been praying. God has been so faithful to grant me peace midst my current uncertainties. Please continue to pray for wisdom for the leaders involved in the decision-making process.

2007 Passion Awards

2007-10-13T23:37:00.000-07:00

Each year thousands of people are killed in collisions due to drunk driving. With such serious statistics, why do so many people continue to get behind the wheel after they've had several drinks? Because their judgment is impaired. Too much alcohol causes you to overestimate your abilities. Sometimes even without alcohol in the mix, we tend to overestimate our abilities. At least I sure do. God has warned us not to think of ourselves more highly than we ought, but to consider ourselves with "sober" judgment.

There's nothing that snaps me out of "drunken" self-evalution quicker than a conversation with Jr. Highers. I teach lessons each week to our various youth groups and I have to admit, I really enjoy preaching. I enjoy the preparatory study, and then the presentation even more. Maybe because I enjoy it so much, I've "drunkenly" deluded myself into thinking that I'm good at it. Then came my sobering conversation with a sixth grader. Last Thursday I mentioned to one of the students that the lesson that evening was going to be really short. Immediately her face lit up, "YESSSS!!" I smiled half-sadly and she quickly backtracked, "No, no--it's not that I don't like the lessons, it's just that I don't have very good attention so it's easier for me to learn when you don't talk much." Ouch. And yet I know it's true. The lessons that the kids really remember from the past three years tend to be the lessons that were associated with creative activities.

The last several weeks I spoke to the kids about passion, and about how God wants us to be people of passion, but that passion misdirected can have disastrous results! We talked about four particular passions God's Word instructs us to cultivate: a passion for God, a passion for other people, a passion for truth and a passion for continuous growth. Last Thursday I spent about 3 minutes reiterating these ideas to the kids, and then we commenced with the 2007 Passion Awards.

I had wanted the kids to see specific examples of what it would look like to cultivate these passions in their lives, so Eric and I went through the youth group roster thinking of specific examples of how particular students had demonstrated love for God and people or a pursual of truth and spiritual growth. We wanted to encourage and challenge the students by sharing those stories so that they could see concrete ways they could live lives of passion--even as youth. We created special award certificates, lit the sanctuary with stage lights only, and made a "red carpet" down the center aisle using butcher paper. The kids were so excited that they decided to sit in the back pews for the awards so that they could walk the full length of the "red carpet" when their name was called. (We discovered part-way through the awards that Butcher paper makes a very slippery carpet!)

Above: A student walks down the aisle to receive her award.

Below: Members of the awesome small group from the other week pose with their certificates awarded for demonstrating a passion for truth and growth.

The Nerd in Each of Us

2007-10-05T21:06:00.000-07:00

My hypothesis is that everyone is a nerd about something. Several years ago a group of people from our church wanted to redesign the exterior landscaping to make it look more attractive and inviting. I thought it sounded like a waste of time. Who cares about shrubberies, anyway? But the landscape work was done and to my surprise I heard several first-time guests comment on how nice it looked. That's when I understood. Some people are landscaping nerds and a well trimmed lawn surrounded by symmetrical shrubs and small boulders really shows them that people take a place seriously. Some people are interior design nerds, feeling the need to put up wall-paper and paintings in a restroom furnished with wicker chairs. Me? Well...today I'll just share one of the many diseases of nerdom from which I suffer: I'm a paper design nerd. Again about the church, I couldn't care less how the lawn and landscaping looks or how the bathroom is decorated. But the paperwork--you know, like the logos and letterhead and business cards--that's the stuff that shows me how serious people are about the structure and well-being of an organization. It's dumb, I realize. Most people feel the way about logos and websites and business cards the way that I feel about shrubberies and wall-paper. But then, I guess that's why God makes us all different. Not that ANY of those are the heart of a church, but it just is one silly example of how each of us are different and play a different part in the body of Christ.

Okay, so that was a little bit of an explanation to why it makes me feel so loved people take the time and energy to make me laugh with nerdy paper things! :-) My poor friend, Amber, sent this to me in the mail very soon after the postcard from Eric, but I didn't check my mail for over a week, so she had to wait patiently for me to find it! Anyway, I received notification of my acceptance into the BHCC (Baby Holding Crazies-Club), as well as my very official-looking, laminated membeship card complete with a fake barcode on the back.

This paper-product and graphic-design nerd is signing out saying thanks to the people who spend time and energy making life fun. I love you guys!

The Fruit of the Spirit's Work in Their Lives

2007-10-03T01:25:00.000-07:00

READ TOP SECTION IF YOU'RE SEARCHING FOR FREE STUDY GUIDES

According to my statcounter, this is one of my most recently looked at blog entries found by people who are searching for "Fruit of the Spirit Lessons" or something like that. If it is helpful to you, I wanted to share a link to the study guides that I found to be a very helpful resource. It was written for families, and I when I used it I adapted things slightly to better fit the youth, but it is an EXCELLENT resource. The best I found on the topic. You can download their study guides for free at: http://collegehills.org/page.aspx?id=193887. (If you don't mind leaving a comment if you found the link helpful, I'd enjoy knowing.) Okay, back to the blog entry I wrote about a year ago -- Kristi Smith (September 29, 2008)

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I never know quite what to expect in our Life Groups (small groups with 6th-8th graders). I meet with two groups of students each Tuesday consisting of a total of 11 students who are interested in accountability and Bible Study. Each week we encourage one another to be consistent in meeting our spiritual life goals, and report to one another on how well we showed our love for God and others the past week. The second half of the meeting is dedicated to studying how we can apply God’s Word to our lives; we’re currently studying the fruit of the Spirit.

While preparing, I generally have a picture in my mind of how students will respond to the lessons/discussions—it’s never accurate. Sometimes I’m disappointed, but recently I’ve been encouraged by the willing hearts of these students.

Last week we talked about love and how God wants us to show love to all people—not just the ones that are easy for us to love. At the end of the night we asked ourselves, “Who can I work on showing love to this week?” I expected the students to talk about enemies and bullies at school—wouldn’t you? Instead I found that the overwhelming majority of students I work with have the hardest time showing God’s love to their parents. Okay, you’re thinking, so maybe that fits the years of adolescent angst. Sure it does—if we’re talking about loving our parents despite the fact that they set boundaries and make us do chores. But these students were sharing prayer requests about showing love to their parents who have abandoned them, who struggle with mental illnesses, who consistently choose substance abuse over the good of their children. Imagine being a middle schooler and trying to figure out how to best honor both parents if they’re in the middle of a bitter battle and are constantly trying to get you to agree with them about how terrible the other one is. There are no easy solutions for these kids—just lots of prayer and turning them to the guidance of the Holy Spirit in their lives.

Today the topic of study was joy. Well…it was supposed to be. In the first group we never got around to our study because instead the students engaged in theological discussion on everything from gender differences and similarities to evolution to salvation of babies and the mentally challenged. I was amazed at the wisdom and insight that these students shared with one another—it was truly discussion (not me teaching them a lesson), and boy did they make excellent points!

In the evening group we did manage to get around to our discussion on joy. It went well, despite the fact that two girls spent half the discussion coloring their fingernails and purses with permanent markers (a distraction easily remedied by removing the Sharpies from my pen jar so that they won’t be available next week). There’s one student in particular in the evening group who is a new believer and seems to be soaking up everything she can. I love watching her make the connections in her head and then her hand shoots up as she “gets it” and she shares the exact point that I hoped she would get from reading a passage. Even one of the Sharpie girls made me grin tonight as she announced before leaving that she hadn’t been “very serious about religious things recently” but that she wanted to “make some changes and seriously follow after God.”

Okay, so I know from first-hand experience that ministry isn’t always like this. I mean on Thursday night I was vehemently told “I hate you!” by a student. But then, the same student told me as I was saying goodbye later that night, “We love you too, Kristi.” So…whether they’re loving me or hating me, I have to say that I sure am LOVING these kids! I am so privileged to have the opportunity to be a part of their lives, and there is nothing more encouraging to me than seeing the Spirit stir in their hearts, drawing them closer to God.

Baby-Holding Crazies Club - It's REAL!

2007-09-21T11:22:00.000-07:00

(WARNING: You will enjoy this blog more if you've previously read the entry titled "Babies" posted on September 17, 2007)

I love my brother! There are a lot of reasons why he's awesome, but ONE of those reasons is that he's utterly hilarious. Let me show you one of the ways his humor enriched my life recently.

So yesterday I worked 12.5 hours and then went to the grocery store to buy some food for dinner. On arriving home, I dropped by my mailbox and pulled out the two things inside. One was a junk mailing, the other looked like this (well except the addresses weren't blurred out):

My first thought was, "No way! I can't believe this!" Then I flipped the card over and saw the back.

Now I was standing alone in the dark outside my apartment's mailboxes just after 10 PM and I was cracking up laughing. "What in the world?! Who would take the time and energy to pull such an elaborate prank?!" I went inside my apartment and put my groceries away before I took the time to sit down and read it. Once I looked at it again, I noticed three things:

(1) Whoever it was from knew my middle name (but that's no secret).

(2) Whoever it was from knew one of my childhood friends, because the return address was her old house. (I changed the addresses, but wanted you to see the card in all its unblurred glory!)

(3) Whoever it was from was pretty good at whipping up a logo and had some desktop publishing experience.

Then I flipped it over and read the back in detail, which gave me a couple more clues.

What are the clues from the text of the card?

(1) The BHCC was founded by "your mom." (My favorite jokes to tell when I'm tired.)

(2) The testimonial quote is none other than Nancy Hicks Gribble (a character on King of the Hill which Eric and I used to watch when we lived together.)

All of this evidence led me to believe that my brother, who has computer and design experience, who grew up friends with the younger brother of my childhood friend, who listens constantly to my "your mom" jokes and who freakishly quotes King of the Hill, loves me enough to dedicate 4 or 5 hours of his time to create a card to make me laugh! Isn't he great? :-)

Laugh With Me

2007-09-18T22:49:00.000-07:00

All right, so with the recent state of affairs this blog has seemed semi-melancholy. Not today. Today was very joyful and encouraging as we had our first small groups of the year with the 6th-8th graders. To get to know one another we shared our "faith stories" and three of the girls shared that they had not known Jesus until this past year when they started attending our youth program. What an affirmation of God using the humble attempts of a struggling group of believers to reach out and communicate his truth and love to lost and hurting kids!

Then one girl told me a story that I had to laugh at, and I thought I would share it with you. This is how she told it to me....

"Kristi, you remember that time you were talking at youth group about prayer and you said 'Wouldn't it be cool if we had a 1-800 number to talk to God?'" [I don't remember, but it sounds like something I would say.] "And then you told us that we didn't even need to pick up a phone, but we could just talk to God anytime and he would be listening. Well, a few days ago I was thinking about that and I really wanted to talk to God, and then I started thinking, 'What if I really could call God and talk to him. So I picked up the phone and dialed 1-800-TALK2GOD..."

[At this I pointed out to her that there were 8 digits in that number and she said, "Well, it rang!" leading me to assume that the first 7 digits were actually dialed and the last one was just a superfluous number pressed right before the ring.]

"Anyway, the phone rang and it didn't even go to an answering machine or anything. Just this lady answered the phone and said 'Something-something-something-something Law Offices,' or something like that. And I was kind of confused and I said 'Jeesuus?' and she was quiet for a second and then she said, 'Ummm...I'm sorry, Josephine doesn't work here anymore.' So then I felt dumb and I was really embarrased so I just said, 'Okay, thank you,' and hung up really quick."

By now the other girls and I were cracking up and I said to her, "You missed the whole point of what I was saying. I was saying that we don't need a phone to talk to God--we can talk to him whenever and wherever!"

"I know," she admitted, "but for some reason when I was thinking about it I just got all excited and then I really, really felt in my heart that it was going to work."

The moral of the story? Just because it feels like it should work doesn't mean it will, whatever your "it" may be, I'd recommend making sure "it" is grounded in truth. :-)

Babies

2007-09-17T19:22:00.000-07:00

I like babies.

I didn't use to be a baby-lover. I mean, I loved babies that I was attached too and the other ones were fun to look at and everthing, but I wasn't a member of the Baby-Holding Crazies Club whose members walk around begging to hold the babies. But suddenly I find that holding a baby clears my mind and cheers me up--it even makes me feel more hopeful about the future.

Today I was having a difficult conversation with someone and I could feel my temperature and heartrate rising. I was starting to get that sense of doom that's been a frequent visitor to the pit of my stomach recently. A little way into the conversation, I asked if I could hold my friend's baby (who had been in his carrier) and was told, "Sure!" As soon as I cuddled that little guy to my chest I felt more relaxed. I talked to him and tickled his chin and this adorable grin erupted onto his face, sending a thrill of joy into my heart.

I guess I can expect that membership card in the mail any day now. :-)

So what changed? I'm not entirely sure, but here's my best guess. Adult life is sticky and messy and challenging and frustrating and confusing and painful. Childhood can be that way too, because you're at the mercy of the adults in your life. Even though I'm an adult, I still often feel at the mercies of other adults. Plus I have to admit that I do a pretty good job of screwing things up myself. So I may be hurt by my own bad choices or by those of people around me, but I am not injured by babies.

Oh sure, babies may cry or even leak through their diapers onto my lap but there is no malice in their hearts. I don't have to try to figure out a baby's agenda or read past the lines to determine its hidden motives. Now I might not always understand what is motivating a baby's cry, but that's my fault; it certainly isn't because the infant is being deceptive or playing games with my heart or my mind. Babies are simple and as straight-forward as they can be without the ability to speak. They enjoy the simple things of life: listening to the voice of someone they love, having their hunger and thirst satisfied, being warm and comfortable, getting lots of rest and being held. It's very refreshing, really.

So, I think that is why my heart and mind experience rest in the presence of a baby. I'd write a little bit more about how God calls us to "become like little children," but I think instead I will go eat some dinner, spend time with some people I love and maybe, just maybe...take a nap.

My Church

2007-09-16T22:35:00.001-07:00

So, for those of you who are unaware, there is a lot of uncertainty right now surrounding my church (which currently doubles as my employer, making things stickier).

Basically, for the past couple years the adult population in our church has been in decline. This summer there were several hard blows as people very involved in ministry at our church announced that they would be leaving. Discouragement infiltrated the ranks and we began to hear murmurs of "maybe the elders should just admit it's over and close the doors." Tom (one of the two elders), organized several meetings with various groups of people in the church to see if the congregation had the heart to work at turning things around. Although I was terrified that people were going to want to give up (an idea that I think is incredibly sad--not to mention unbiblical), they actually rose to the occasion. The general consensus was that we wanted to do what we could with what we had left to honor God and minister to people. We realized that things would have to change as our church family has changed so much in the past years, but we were full of ideas and, I though, an eagerness to see how God would use us for his glory.

Several weeks ago, a group of people who had left another local church expressed interest in joining forces with us. They told our leaders that their group (about the same size as our group) was meeting weekly to remember Jesus, worship the Lord and to study a book to try to determine how God wants the church to look. What has happened is that our two congregations are now reading and discussing this book together and praying about whether or not God would have the two join together.

Many people feel that this other group is God's answer to prayer: they would fill our pews, double our Sunday school class attendance, and enhance our worship services and increase our church income. More importantly, their group has people who are gifted in areas that our church seems to lack: visionaries, preachers, and musicians.

Unfortunately, others of us (myself included) are very concerned about this potential merger. I have read parts of the book they are studying and I take issue not only with the author's handling of Scripture but also with some of his doctrinal positions--especially concerning the involvement of women in the church and the interaction of believers with non-believers (both of which he minimizes). There are also some other issues that worry me based on second-hand information I have received about statements made by members of this new group, but I won't detail those here.

I feel that right now everything is on hold while we wait to see what happens next. If we choose not to merge there will be a significant number of people (whom I love deeply) who will be very disappointed and will feel that the elders missed out on the God-sent answer to our prayers for guidance for our congregation. On the other hand, if we choose to merge there will be a shift in the leadership of our church and I'm guessing that the new elder board will not be favorable toward a female youth director.

I love my church. Many of them rocked me in the nursery, taught me Bible lessons, and endured my misbehavior in Jr. High. They have encouraged me and supported me and discipled me and loved me and provided for my needs. They are my family, and to part with them would break my heart. I doubt that I will ever on this earth be blessed with such a tightly-knit community of support. But I fear that my time there may be drawing to an end.

Please pray for us: pray that our leaders and the leaders of this other group would both be sensitive to the wisdom and guidance of the Holy Spirit. Pray that God would give our leaders the strength to follow his will despite resistance. Pray that God would give me peace about the uncertainties of my life right now and that if it is time for a change he would show me what he has in store for me next. Please also pray for the precious kids that he has entrusted to my care over the past three years. Pray that the time that I have left with them, whether long or short, would be memorable and life-changing. Pray that they would encounter Jesus and that he would revolutionize their hearts and their lives and grow them into the men and women that he has created them to be. Pray that he would use them and me and each of us who have received forgiveness through Jesus to share the hope of life in relationship with God to the lost and hurting world around us.

To God be the glory...in all things...forever...Amen.

Waiting for Spring

2007-09-11T00:06:00.000-07:00

It begins subtly.

So subtly that I almost don't notice.

After all, it is warm

not cold.

And they are green

not brown.

But that doesn't change the fact that they are on the ground,

leaving a vacancy on the branches they once called home.

The summer sun has sapped the branch of strength

and it can no longer keep its hold.

Autumn comes with its irresistible wind and rain,

and I can do nothing to stop it

as it tears the leaves away one by one...until that final release.

Then it will be winter.

And it will be cold

And the branches will be empty.

And there will be no leaves to give me shelter.

But I have hope

that spring will come.

New life will grow and provide me shelter.

A resting place.

Until Autumn.

It began subtly.
So subtly that at first I didn't notice.
After all, it was one
not all.
And they were "led"
not fleeing.
But that didn't change the fact that they were gone,
leaving a vacancy in the branches they once called family.
The summer sun had sapped the branch of strength

and it could no longer keep its hold.
This season of change comes with its irresistible wind and rain,

and I can do nothing to stop it
as it tears these dear ones away one by one...

until that final abandonment.
Then our community will be dead.
And it will be lonely.

And my heart will feel empty.

And there will be no one left to fellowship with me.

But I have hope
that spring will come.
New relationships will grow

and I will again join my heart with others.
A resting place.
Until we too, are parted.

It will begin subtly.
So subtly that it has probably already begun without my notice.
After all, it's my knee
not my vision.
And I feel strong
not weak.
But that doesn't change the fact that my strength will keep waning,
leaving a vacancy on the branches I once called "my body."
The summer sun will sap this branch of its strength

until it can no longer keep its hold.
Death will come midst irresistible wind and rain,

and no one can do anything to stop it
as it tears my breaths away one by one...until that final exhale.
Then…I will be free!
And I will see Him.
And the thirst of my heart will be quenched.
And light will drench the
once-dark corners of my soul.

This is my Hope.
Spring will come.
New Life will begin and I will be complete

in the presence of the One for whom I've longed.
A joyful place.

And I will never feel the sting of Autumn again.

Happy Crashiversary to Us!

2007-09-04T23:52:00.000-07:00

The Wreckage:

September 4, 2003. It was a Thursday night and my brother Eric and I were on our way home from church. He had his learner's permit so I tossed him the keys after carefully loading my guitar into the hatchback next to some class notes from the courses I'd begun one week earlier. 10 minutes later, I was crawling over my shattered guitar to exit the wreckage through the rear hatch. I remember that my coursework was scattered all across the road and I felt like it was imperative that I pick it all up before it blew away. There was a crowd of people--I'm still not sure where they all came from. Some of them tried to convince me to sit down and I think I shouted at them, "I know you think I'm crazy...but I'm a poor college student and I need to get my homework!" Poor bystanders. Turns out I was a little bit crazy…and I later obtained the gpa to prove it and the prescription to treat it.

It's funny how our minds remember things. I remember things so vividly from that night—even some things that I believed to be true, but later learned were not actually as I remember. I see the accident in flashes of memories. But it's not just the accident. I see the time after it in flashes of memories, too. But what is so aggravating is that I don't think I see anyone else—I mean really see anyone else—in those flashes for at least six months. It was all about me: my fear, my pain, my injustice, my academic and emotional struggles.

The Survivors:

There's something about hardships that give us tunnel vision. When we are hurting our pain consumes our sensations and emotions so that all we can feel and see is ourselves and our own experiences. We forget that there's a whole world existing outside of ourselves and that this world is made up of individuals who live their own story and swim through their own puddles of tears. I lived as if I was the center of the world for over six months. I'm afraid that some people live like it their entire lives, so consumed by their pain that they are unable to connect deeply with anyone else. This only enhances their isolation and increases their pain.

It's not like it has to be a big, dramatic pain either. Recently when I received news of disconcerting possibilities at my church I immediately began to throw myself a pity party. It took me a couple days to begin to wonder what these possibilities could mean for other people in our church family. I'd like to change that. I want to have a heart that sees beyond my fears and pain to the needs of people around me. But how do I do that? How do I go about changing my heart?

I think the only answer is to keep my eyes on Jesus. Which really makes sense. "Set your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of your faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross…" He looked beyond the pain and the shame of the cross to see our need to be in a right relationship with God. Because of him, we not only receive hope of future joy and rest, but we are also challenged to imitate his humility and selflessness.

Lord, thank you for seeing beyond your pain to the neediness of the world separated from you by their sin. Transform my heart to be more like yours. Please help me to not get trapped in the tunnel vision of hardships. Help me to accept these hardships as opportunities to experience you in new ways and help me to see others the way you see them so that I can serve and encourage them to seek you in their times of hurting.

Years later--NOW I can see how God was working what seemed bad for good in my life.

The Greatest, Most Terrible Days Ever!

2007-06-20T13:03:00.000-07:00

One aspect of my personality (that I alternately love and hate) is that I change moods frequently. In a matter of hours I can go from feelings of utter despair to feelings of eager anticipation—and back again. So much so that my Grandmother used to recite to me a little poem, that rang all too true:

"There was a little girl who had a little curl,
right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good,
but when she was bad, she was horrid."

Prime example: So a couple Sundays ago, I was having a really good day. I had been basking in God's presence, and truly enjoying worshiping him with my brothers and sisters in Christ. The last church meeting of the day was a prayer meeting. There were 13 of us in attendance, an odd number. When the final "amen" was spoken, everyone looked up and immediately engaged in conversation with someone next to them. Everyone, that is, except me. I felt like the odd man out. Somehow, the people on either side of me had begun talking to the people on the other side of them, which isn't a big deal except I just suddenly felt out of it. I considered butting in on one of the conversations next to me, but both seemed kind of serious so instead I just left. Moments before I had been feeling so joyful and connected with other people and now I felt so isolated and alone as I got in my car to drive home to my empty apartment. I felt as if there was no one in this world who cared about what I would face in life or who would be there to face it with me. I began to sing to Jesus, "All of you is more than enough for all of me—for every thirst and every need…" So, I'm driving down the road feeling incredibly lonely, and trying to trust God to fulfill my needs, but still hurting from a sense of isolation, when suddenly this green SUV passes me on the left, and out pops this little head, and this girls grins at me and waves. It was one of Mindy's teammates. And just like that, I felt happy again. See, Kristi, just because you live alone does not mean that you are all alone in the world. God will be faithful to send people to you when you need them. And just like that, my half-mile of melancholy was gone and I felt happy again, thanks to that girl's silly wave.

Okay, so imagine for a minute that your emotions are constantly roller-coasting. It stinks because you can go from happy to sad in a moment—but then it's nice because you can also go from sad to happy! Either way, it means that you can have the best and the worst day all in the same day.

And that's how life has seemed recently.

There have been some great things happening that have been such an encouragement to me:
- God's given me several opportunities to have serious discussions with people about faith, life and the gracious forgiveness extended to us in Jesus.
- I've been able to reconnect with some students who hadn't been in touch with me for a while.
- I've been richly blessed by my friendships; I love having friends who engage my mind and my heart and challenge my thinking and my actions!
- I have been enjoying spending more time with my family recently, just making it a bigger priority. And let me tell you guys…my family is awesome. I mean, we're kind of weird and we've got our weaknesses, but I am so thankful for my parents and my siblings and the love that we share for one another.
- A group of us started this refreshing Bible read-thru night, where we just read together for 45 minutes and then spend time in prayer and worship. I love it!

There have also been some really tough things going on—not so much to me personally, but to the people around me. I know it is much harder for them, but my heart does ache for them.
- A dear friend was recently diagnosed with and now being treated for cancer.
- Students have been suffering physical, emotional and spiritual trauma, leaving me feeling helpless and unable to protect them or solve their problems (not that I expect to be able to, but still I hate feeling so helpless while this stuff is happening to them!).
- My dad was told he would be losing his job this summer.
- Things at church are relatively unstable—people are hurting, discouraged and some are leaving, which only causes more pain for those of us that remain.

And yet, I find that through these hard times, God works. My friend demonstrates strength of character and dependence upon God despite the uncertainty of her health, and I am amazed and challenged by her grace. Students are learning to pray for one another and support each other during difficult times, growing in their sense of community. God answered our prayers and demonstrated his care and provision by providing my dad with another job within the same company. And I find that although things are uncertain at church, there is a group of us who are committed to pursuing God's purpose for our community of believers, even if it looks different than it has in the past. That is exciting for me! I'm confident that God will use these hard times to refine us and prepare us for what he has in store for us, and I'm actually eager to try some new things and see how God might bless us.

So, how am I doing? Depends on the moment you ask. But this is the verdict of which I am certain: Life can be both beautiful and terribly hard, but God is good. All the time.

Something or Nothing

2007-04-09T13:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I can't decide whether I don't blog because there's nothing to say or because there's so much to say that I don't have time/space/energy to say it.

What Has Occurred Recently:
-- I hosted a Japanese international student for the month of March, that was an awesome experience.
-- Over spring break I went on a very fun road trip with some friends who I truly enjoy and appreciate.
-- My adorable nephew, Gavin, was legally adopted by my sister on March 30th.

What I've Been Feeling Recently:
Emotions are ridiculous sometimes.
Lonley, happy, stupid, content, guilty, peaceful, ...tell me if that mix of emotions makes any sense at all--and sometimes all within the same hour!

What I've Been Thinking About Recently:
-- Lots of theological questions that I thought I would have "solved" by now. ;-)
-- The absurdity of a fickle, finite being in relationship with a faithful, infinite God....and what that relationship should look like.
-- Whether or not I can help anyone at all...and how it should be done.
-- Friendship, faith, politics, social concern and justice, men and women...
-- The list goes on

I guess that should give you a whollistic summary of my life--what I'm thinking, feeling, doing... Sorry it's not very cohesive...or interesting. :-)

Four Sentences About Tonight (And A One-Sentence Prayer)

2007-03-01T22:35:00.000-08:00

Tonight youth group was tiring and discouraging. It's weird how you can love people so much that you physically ache for them to make wise decisions, to be safe and to grow into the sorts of persons who make a difference in the world. I'm learning (again, or is it still?) that I can do nothing to change people's hearts and lives. And I guess it's good that that is God's responsibility and not mine, or else I would be an utter failure.

Lord, please protect these kids bodies, hearts and souls and draw them near to yourself.

Identity & Value <-- (I sound like a girl!)

2007-02-20T17:08:00.000-08:00

Please do not feel pressured to read this. I'm so bad at being brief that I haven't written for a long time. It's easier for me to write a lengthy journal entry than a 1-paragraph blog. But, since a couple people have asked me what's been going on with me, I thought I'd give them a quick glimpse into some of my thoughts. This came from a journal entry I wrote last night...

Identity is an odd thing. It's a word that's used a lot in conjunction with the word "finding." "She finds her identity in her looks"..."He finds his identity in his mechanical skills." I guess what we mean by identity is value. We're actually saying, "She seeks value in looking good"..."He seeks to be valuable by being a skillful mechanic." And of course, ever since Jr. High Sunday School it's been drilled into my head that as a Christian I ought to "find my identity in Christ," that is, to seek meaning and value in relationship to him. Easier said than done.

Even when I think I'm following after the Lord's leading I quickly begin to seek personal worth in the "peripherals" of life. I feel like I'm a more worthwhile person when I'm being self-disciplined in my Scripture reading and prayer time, or when I'm spending lots of time connecting with students and pouring my heart into them. It's even easy for me to seek value ("find my identity in") my relationships with people: being a good friend, being someone people enjoy hanging out with, etc.

None of these things are bad, I don't think. But tonight I heard the Spirit's gentle voice calling my heart, beckoning me to draw near to God. To walk with him, even as I work with youth and hang out with friends.

It's kind of weird, you know. There is no one like God; I have no other relationship that is the same. I don't know why he sees value in me...but HE DOES!! :-) If I were not valuable to him, I would have no value. My value comes from the fact that HE (the Maker and Sustainer of Life) values me.

So, if my value lies in him, then to feel valuable, content and fulfilled it makes sense that I would want to remain near him, to consciously interact with him frequently throughout the day. But for some reason, I'm a peripheral junkie. I've allowed myself to become addicted to the [albeit lesser] "high" of being a dedicated youth leader, an enjoyable friend, or an attractive woman. (I'm not saying that I am all these things, only that I often work toward these things as if they would make me more valuable.)

So this life--this life that's been granted me, this job where I have been placed, these people God has put into my life--this life is from God. And since I'm a finite human, he understands (and expects?? maybe even is pleased by??) my involvement in the activities and relationships which make up life. But I must remember that it is not those things that make me valuable. That's good, because those things are not eternal. I could lose my job working with youth and still have value to God. I could betray my friends and he would still love me. I could always be ranked the least attractive person in the room and I would still be just as precious to him. I could get in a car accident tomorrow and spend the rest of my life laying in a bed, disfigured, drooling all over myself, unable to recognize my friends and family, and I would still be valuable to God. Because the only true, inherent worth that I can claim is that I am loved by God.

So, Kristi, it's okay to throw yourself into ministry and relationships, as long as you don't get confused and begin to believe that your value is contingent upon your performance. (Isn't that great that I'm not less valuable on the nights when the sermon stinks, or I'm not a very supportive friend, or when I gain a lb. instead of losing it!) The trick then, must be to walk through life with God, letting him affirm my value in my relationship with him. And as my heart grows more in tune with his, I may find myself being more like him in the way that I minister to students and love my friends.

Lord, help me not to be drawn into the lies of the world that tell me that what matters about me is how I look or what I can do. Give me a balanced perspective of myself, so that I can be comfortable being the person you made me, serving in the place you placed me. Help my heart to be more aligned with yours. I want to walk with you each day--not so that spiritual disciplines make me feel good, but so that I am relating to you and allowing you to teach me, mold me, grow me and guide me each day of this life you have given.

Our Fall Retreat

2006-11-28T00:02:00.000-08:00

I apologize for not posting earlier. I needed some time to debrief and evaluate.

I believe the retreat went very well overall. It was tiring and challenging, but good. One of my main goals was that the students would be able to build relationships with one another and that we (staff) would be able to connect with each of them on a deeper level. God graciously permitted that to occur! I feel like I know the students so much better, and knowing them is vital to being able to minister to them.

There were a lot of challenges, but I was amazed again by God's faithfulness in bringing about good things in the midst of the hard times. For some reason this group of students seemed to be particularly cruel to one another at times. But there were at least two different instances when a student's feelings were hurt by someone else and then several other students showed care and concern for the hurt person. I loved watching them show love to one another as they sympathized and cheered each other up. It was so beautiful! One evening we were worshipping together and some of the students were being rude and distracting, which led me to believe that they were not really interested in worshipping. But when I stopped playing, they apologized for talking and kept requesting songs for another 20 minutes!

I was struck (once again) with the fact that all of my planning and preparing really has very little to do with the good things that will happen. God was faithful to work in the hearts of these kids through their peers as well as (and some times in spite of) the leaders. I pray that the times when we loved the kids well they would see the love God has for him and that the times when we were impatient they would see as our own human weakness.

Please continue to pray for the group, which has changed significantly over the past two months. We have increased in size (basically doubled), and shifted to a much younger average age. We are also seeing more students from broken homes and unchurched homes. I feel that our group (despite being located in Gresham) has become an urban ministry. I'm pretty sure that urban ministry should look different than suburban ministry, but I haven't figured out yet how best to minister to this different group of kids with different problems, hurts and needs. If you have any ideas, feel free to let me know. In the mean time, join me in praying that God would continue to draw students to himself.

Only God Can Do It

2006-11-17T01:44:00.000-08:00

Wow, I guess technically it's Friday now which means that we leave on our youth retreat this afternoon. I've got so many things left to do to prepare--and one of them is to sleep, so I'll make this short.

Although tonight we had a record-breaking number of students at youth group, we have pretty low attendance on the retreat due to (a) it being near the hollidays and (b)all the older kids being afraid to sign up because they didn't know yet if their friends could attend. Consequently we're taking a small group, but it will be very young and very new (1/3 are students who I have never met or met only once or twice). We're not sure what to expect, really, but I keep seeing God's hand in preparing things for which I could not have planned. He obviously made room for each student he wanted to attend. I'm trusting he has a purpose and praying that he uses this weekend as a tool to draw people closer to himself--which is something that I cannot facilitate no matter how prepared I am. Only God can work in people's hearts, so pray that he does this weekend.

Please also pray for: safety, growth, kindness (students), patience and wisdom(staff), and plenty of fun. I'll let you know how it goes!

Thanks, Kristi

Fellowship

2006-11-10T01:43:00.000-08:00

I am so thankful for people--more specifically for true fellowship. Tonight was one of those nights at youth group where everything went crazy beforehand, and just when I thought I had stabilized, the kids showed up and everything went beyond crazy. It wasn't the greatest night. I lost my patience. I lacked love. I found myself unable to see the kids the way God sees them. If I had come home to an empty apartment, I know just what would have happened: I would have put on my mix CD with songs for hurting and healing, turned off the lights and curled up on the couch with my face pressed against it and cried--probably until I fell asleep clinging to the back of the couch.

My melancholy plans for the evening were thwarted by my friend Jessica's simple request at the end of youth group, "Can I come over afterward and pray?" Ah, what an idea! Of course, my tear-stained evening would have included prayers, but they would have been the borderline accusatory prayers that come when I'm exhausted and at the end of my rope, uncertain what to do and feeling all alone. Instead, Jessica came over and we debriefed for a couple hours, and then just prayed (along with my roommate Nikki, who had come home by then). There was something so beautiful about our fellowship tonight. Sharing frustrations, heartache, disallusionment, hopes, goals, insights, and then in the end coming humbly before God confessing our inadequacies and entrusting to him the hearts of the students we serve. Now I have peace. I don't feel great, or enlightened, just at peace.

And I am so thankful for the godly women whose friendships have enriched my life and whose hearts have both inspired and challenged me. God has been so good to bless me with wonderful friends.

B-I-G NEWS!!!

2006-11-04T16:57:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone!

So...pretty big news. It's looking promising that I will finally get to be an auntie! Trisha & Mark are in the process of trying to adopt their two-year-old nephew, Gavin. Yesterday Gavin's mother signed the papers releasing parental rights. His father has indicated that he is willing to do the same, although he is currently out of the country. Anyway, this is very exciting news for Mark and Trisha who are eagerly rearranging their lives and schedules to become parents! It's also exciting news for me, as I have been hoping for someone to spoil for quite some time now!

The other exciting news is...my little sister is getting married! Bethany is now officially engaged to be married to Chris Storlie (Sorry, Chris for posting your name on MySpace.). They haven't yet settled on a date for the wedding, but I'm guessing it will be in the first few months of 2007. This is exciting two-fold as well! (1) We are all extremely happy for the young couple, they are both so awesome! (2) I get to help coordinate the wedding details, which will hopefully relieve stress from Bethy as well as be fun for me! (For some reason, I like all that planning stuff.)

Well...nothing really is going on in MY life, so to speak. But I'm pretty stoked for my siblings, whose lives seem to be growing in enrichment by leaps and bounds!

Ping Pong Faithfulness

2006-10-18T18:57:00.000-07:00

Each Wednesday I meet with Eric to talk about youth group stuff. Today we were talking about what sorts of activities we could include at our all-nighter that would be boy-friendly. Eric mentioned how he thought it would be really cool to get a ping pong table for the church. "Yeah," I agreed, "but I don't think we have room in our budget for that." I was at my desk, so I decided to check craigslist real quick, and guess what!? There was a ping pong table that had been listed last night! It was just the table top, but it was going for $10 and we figured we could set it on top of a table at church and buy a net and some paddles for it. I called and the woman said it was still there, so we tromped off to pick up my parents' van so we could haul the tabletop. On the way I was thinking how cool it was that just when we were thinking of buying one, someone had listed one so cheap. Sometimes I laugh when I think people "overspiritualize" things. But I'm afraid that sometimes I "underspiritualize" and neglect to give God credit for being faithful in bringing about small blessings in the details of our lives.

Lest I somehow doubt God's role in providing the ping pong table, when we got there I told them how excited I was to get a table for our youth group and they decided to give it to us for free! As we're pulling out of the driveway, they flagged us back down and handed us a net and two paddles that they had found under a pile of stuff in the garage! Then, we get back to the church, and just happened to stumble across more paddles! LOL. It was crazy the way that in a period of an hour and a half, God gave us a free ping pong table, complete with net and paddles! He is so faithful to bless us--even in the silly little details of our lives--and I'm determined to give him the credit for his provision.

Valuable

2006-10-05T23:08:00.000-07:00

Not terribly profound. But the other day I was reading in Luke 12, where Jesus points out that the ravens don't sow or reap, but God provides for them. Then he says the most beautiful thing: "How much more valuable you are than birds!" Even with my selfishness and my pride, even seeing my past mistakes as well as the ones I've yet to make, despite the ugliness of my heart...the God who designed me, loved me and died for me calls me into relationship with him. Wow. And being precious to the Creator & King of all--that makes me highly valuable.

And so are you. Okay, so you probably already knew all this, but on a week when I felt especially undesirable it made me glow a little to know that I, plain ol' Kristi, am valuable to God.