My New Church

I am now attending First Covenant Church on 45th & Burnside. The "Covenant" refers to their committment to one another and not to any particular theology that may share the term. (So calm down, everyone!) :-) I am super-excited about and really enjoying my new church. I guess you could say it's that infatuation period where I see so many things that I like about the church, without knowing it well enough to know the problems that I'm sure exist somewhere as they do in pretty much any community of people.

I found the church by a fluke--they were in a random article and I looked up their denomination online since I'd never heard of it before. I liked the orthodoxy, yet simplicity of their doctrinal statement, so I decided to put it on my list of churches to visit. It was one of 20-some churches that I visited, and when I was nearing the end of my list I was beginning to detest being a visitor and long to settle somewhere. First Cov was the place that I was most drawn to, and so I decided to go for a month or so before committing. In the meantime, I asked the pastor some questions that I had about the church, and was pleased with his answers. After 8 weeks of "visiting" (I kept fearing that some "red flag" would come up, and so I put off committing), I decided I truly wanted to be a part of the community. Since then I have joined a care group, and am hoping to soon begin helping out with the youth ministry. I am excited each day that brings me into contact with people from this community and I am eager to get to know more of the people and to become more involved with the church.

Some of the things that attracted me to the church from its website were...

• The simple affirmations of belief that covered the basics of Christian doctrine.
• The grace that the community extended to one another in areas of Christian practice.
• Some of the missionaries and service organizations that the church supports were listed
• Yes, I'll say it even though it's unpopular midst my family and friends: the church ordains both men and women to ministry and leadership, a position that I have grown into on my journey to seek God's heart for the church.

Some of the things that attracted me the first day there were...

• The church laughed with one another over silly technical difficulties.
• People seemed casual and comfortable
• There was a sense of community midst the members of the congregation
• There was a wide age range of people.

Some of the things that I have loved since then are...

• Old and young enjoy enthusiastic and heartfelt musical worship.
• The church takes a church mission trip, not a youth one--this being a long-time dream of mine.
• Solid biblical teaching, that addresses the tough questions.
• My care group spent the first 30 minutes of our meeting identifying some of ways we will serve the community and those in need this year.
• We take communion every other week and there is a variety in the method used which keeps things fresh and not mechanical.
• They love one another.
• They laugh with one another.
• They care for one another.
• I can see myself serving there.

I am realizing though, how much time it will take to know these people. At my first care group meeting last Thursday I felt so proud because I learned 14 people's names. But then when we began to share prayer requests I realized how little a name tells me. Someone would ask for prayer for so-and-so, and I would have to ask the kind woman next to me, "Who is that?" "Her daughter"..."their friend"..."grandson," etc. I never realized before how difficult a prayer meeting at Cascade could have been for a newcomer. When someone there shared a prayer request, I had no problem understanding because I knew the names of their family members and the situations that their family members were in. Seriously, it will take years and years and years--if ever--to know these people like that. But I'm trying to learn!

Church Hurts

So there are some things I really enjoy about visiting churches. It's nice to hear a variety of sermons and to just be able to listen without having to worry about audio/visual equipment. I like seeing different ways that different groups do certain things. I love learning new songs of praise. Most of all I love, love, LOVE being able to sit in a room full of peope I don't know and feel a common bond with them--we all share a deep love for Jesus!

But I miss the sense of community. I used to have one--a community, I mean. We were very close-knit, and very intune with one anothers' lives. Now I slip in and out of a pew, my presence barely noticed, in a building where no one knows my name.

And there's the pain. Experiencing the death of our community was one of the most painful experiences in my life. I trust that time will soothe my wounds and dry my tears, but right now the pain is still very fresh. I am so thankful that God poured his grace into my heart in a very real way, freeing me from the bonds of bitterness and resentment. That grace has made it possible for the healing process to begin. Even without the anger, though, it still hurts.

Every church I visit serves as a poignant reminder of what we once shared together. A passage of scripture is read and I think about something that someone once shared during our Communion service at Cascade. Someone thanks God for the nursery workers and I relive moments spent soaking up the love of adults who cared for me in Cascade's nursery when I was a little girl. We sing a song and I remember the joy I experienced leading the congregation in worship of our amazing Creator. It makes me sad to think that I may not get the opportunity to serve in that way in the future. I miss ministry. Since Cascade was so small, I had many chances to serve in various capacities that will not be available to me in a larger church where there is more talent to choose from. Since for years I felt that God wanted me at Cascade to serve, challenge and encourage the body of Christ there, I left much of my sense of purpose behind when I left Cascade (not that I no longer have purpose , but that I'm disoriented and unsure of how God wants to use me now).

Thankfully, the busyness of the week usually takes my mind away from what I've lost, but there's no escape from it on Sundays.

This Sunday at Hinson Church we were singing "Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt & Beth Redman. Not only did this flood my mind with memories of playing the song with the worship team at Cascade, but the words resonate with my heart as well. The second verse says:

Blessed be your name when the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be, blessed be your name
And blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering, blessed be your name.

As I sang those last two lines, tears began to stream down my cheeks. These past months have been difficult, and yet as I've sought comfort from God I have come to know him in a different way, giving me yet more reasons to trust him and to praise him. Although there's pain involved, I know that without the pain I wouldn't be seeking him in the same way, and so I'm thankful for it. Just like a sliver in my nephew's hand sends him running to someone to take it out, so my pain sends me running to the arms of my Father in heaven for comfort. And as many of you who have walked through much deeper valleys than I have experienced know, the arms of the Father are a good place to be.

You give and take away
You give and take away
Still my heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be your name

Small Talk Should Be Banned

Small talk makes me feel uncomfortable. First you greet (and perhaps introduce yourselves to) one another. Then after a couple perfunctory questions comes the big pause, where my mind races in circles around what has just been said trying to grasp any comment, connection or follow-up question I should ask. If I can't think of any way to continue to draw the person out, I fall back on a comfortable time-filler for me: I tell them stories about my life. Or at least, I used to. See, when you work with youth there are always lots of fresh stories. Right now, though, my life is pretty boring. These days my story would be something like, "Yeah, so I built a lincoln log cabin with my nephew yesterday and then he knocked it down." Or maybe, "Hey I just made $64.00 selling useless stuff on ebay!" I can feel my social stock plummeting with the mention of ebay.

Small talk is especially awkward while unemployed. The first question that we ask one another in our culture is "What do you do?" I used to think that was a sign of our culture's obsession with material success and so I tried to find something else to ask, but "How old are you anyway?" is kinda' frowned upon and "Tell me, how are you feeling about life these days?" is a bit personal for someone I just met. So I'm back to asking "What do you do," but I dread the moment when they finish their response and return the question: "How about you, what do you do?" Then I get to pick whether I think it's worse say "I don't do anything; I'm unemployed," which will cause them to ask questions and I will have to explain the whole story, or if it's worse to actually tell them what I do: "I live in my friends' basement and look for a job inbetween babysitting gigs." Either way I know that my answer will make them feel uncomfortable.

People don't like negative information in small talk. That's why when someone asks you "How are you?" you automatically say "fine" even if your life is in shambles and you pillow is still drying from last night's tears. And that's what the other person wants you to say--that you're fine or great or even fantastic. I know this because I went through a phase when I decided that being a person of integrity required a whole-hearted honest response to the question, "How's it going?" What I discovered is that 99% of the time people don't actually want to know how you're doing. Why they ask, then, I'll never know. But I do know that if you're not doing very well and you honestly reveal your struggles to the inquirer, they will get very uncomfortable and begin glancing around the room seeking an exit from the conversation. My new take is that I only answer the question honestly if I think a person is asking honestly.

Another popular topic in small talk is relationships. "How is your family?" works if you actually know about their family. Or if you know they're seeing someone you can ask about the significant other. When people ask me it's usually "So, are you seeing anyone?" At the point in the conversation where I have revealed to someone that I not only have no job but I also do not have a family or any hopeful prospect of having a family in the future I notice their attitude change toward me. They're afraid to ask anymore questions lest I burst into tears and reveal yet another level of patheticness in my life.*

It's a challenge for me to keep conversation light and peppy. My two biggest blunders in small talk are either monopolizing the conversation to fill the empty pauses or revealing too much of myself too quickly. No joke, a couple months ago I somehow revealed in a short conversation that my mother had miscarried prior to my birth. Kristi, what in the world were you thinking!? Appropriately enough, death is conversation killer. How that conversation picked itself up and limped forward, I still don't understand. But even short of bringing up my mother's personal loss, I still have a hard time not sharing on a level that makes people feel awkward. I can't help it; I run out of "light" things to say--and the things that I really think and feel deep down, those are the things that I want to share and discuss. The weather and the superbowl can only penetrate so far into a person's soul. And I guess unless I connect with someone's soul, I don't feel as if I've really connected with them at all.

Well, seeing as how I haven't heard any of the presidential hopefuls promise to propose a small talk ban, I guess I will have to get better at it. Here's what I'm thinking: instead of asking someone "What do you do?" or "How's your family?" I'm simply going to say, "So, tell me about yourself." This will give them the opportunity to share with me whatever they think is valuable about themselves whether that be their job or their family or their collection of teenage mutant ninja turtles. It will save them the discomfort of sharing something they are embarrased about and it will save me the discomfort of wondering if I brought up a sore subject since they get to pick their own subject. Hopefully, it will also help to minimize the awkward pauses that usually precipitate my anecdotal rambling, since it is a much more open-ended inquiry and can be followed up with all sorts of questions about whatever information they choose to reveal about themselves (i.e., "Cool! So which turtle is your favorite?, etc.).

I've also decided to strike a happy medium when it comes to personal revelation. If people ask me a question that ties into something real that I'm dealing with in my life (whether it's good or bad or inbetween), I'm not going to drop an E-bomb (E is for emotional, not electronic!) on them, but I'm also not going to pretend that my experiences are divorced from my emotions or that my faith is easily contained instead of permeating the various aspects of my life. I should be able to find a healthy balance between stoicism and overrevelation, right? The hard part for me will be discovering that balance in real conversation.

At least I'll get lots of practice. That's the worst part of looking for a church to become a part of. There's often this part in the service where someone instructs us to "stand on up and introduce yourselves to the people around you." For years I thought this was a nice, friendly practice. Now, as a visitor, I dread it. But next Sunday I'm going to take it as an opportunity to try out my new guidelines for small talk.

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*Although I wish there were universally accepted fonts for sarcasm, facetiousness, etc., in their absence let me assure the reader that this blog is written in a playful, humorous spirit not a bitter, self-loathing one. In fact, despite my states of unemployment and singleness, I find I like myself more days than not. But thanks for your concern. ;-)

Glue Finale Banquet

It is finished.

Last night was my final time with the students as their youth leader. We invited a few adults who had helped out with events over the past few years, all the students who currently attend a few of the students who have attended in the past. We had a total of 32 people who came for the evening. The evening had been planned by a committee of current students. We wanted it to be special, so we set up the tables nicely for a special banquet feel.

We started off the evening with a few games. The first one was a baby-food eating relay. By the end, I think the participants were feeling pretty sorry for the babies of the world. :-)
We also had a ginger-bread making contest--or should I say "no contest"? One of the houses collapsed early on in the game.

After a game of Glue trivia, we ate tons of pizza and salad and watched a special slideshow of pictures from the last three years.

First we gave the students an opportunity to share favorite memories and ways that our group had impacted them. What an encouragement it was to me to hear how God has let us play a role in bringing people to him and helping them mature in their faith!

After that, each leader had the opportunity to share some "last words"--the things that we wanted the kids to walk away with. Unfortunately, at this point a group of four or five students began to be distracting and disrespectful. This ended in a showdown between one of the adult leaders and a girl who refused to comply that only was diffused when I interrupted my sharing to offer to call the parent to come pick up the girl and her friends. That kind of ruined the night for me. I don't really even remember what I said afterward--it's hard to come back from an interruption like that. I feel like the rudeness of a small group of kids ruined the culmination of three years of building relationships--their behavior robbed me of the chance to really say goodbye. I'm aware that I'm probably being melodramatic, but that's honestly how I'm feeling right now. I'm not sure why God let those girls come last night, but I pray that it was because he will use it for good in their lives, and not let their actions taint the memories of the majority of the kids who were hurting and listening and saying their goodbyes.

We finished the evening with a time of worship together, singing songs offering our lives up to God to go where he leads us and do what he asks us. After a group picture, we allowed the kids to take photos that we had used to decorate the youth room, and I gave them all a contact card with my new email address that I will be switching to shortly and my phone number.
That was the night. Afterward, I was exhausted (I haven't been sleeping well) and a group of leaders and two students stayed to help take things down. I cleared stuff out of the youth room that belonged to me, and cleaned my stuff out of the church office. Nikki and I took one last visit together to the church baptismal--where we used to sit and talk growing up. And then we left the church that had been like home and like family to me for 25 years, eleven months and two days.

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If you'd like to see more pics of the evening, check out my photo site at www.picasaweb.google.com/trushoe.

Nightmares on Clinton Street

Today all three girls in our afternoon small group confided that last week they each had a nightmare about church or youth group. Oddly, all three of them said this was the first time they had ever dreamt about church. Each of their dreams involved antagonists infiltrating the church and preying upon our youth group community. One of the girls dreamed that a man wearing the "Scream" mask broke a window and killed me while the rest of them were trying to escape. Another girl dreamt that there were two ghosts--one of which pretended to be a student--who then attacked and ate some of the kids. The third girl had a dream that a group of assailants with weapons broke into the church, took me hostage and hunted down students executing them.

Oh how my heart ached as I listened to them laughing at the "bizarrity" of their dreams being so similar. I don't think they realized what I (who also dreamed last night about being turned out of Cascade) could see. Each of these girls is feeling apprehensive about the changes in the church--and feeling helpless as their community is ripped apart.

Please join me in praying for these kids, that they will discover a new community of believers to encourage and challenge them to continue to grow in love for God and people. Pray that God will ease their apprehension and grant them peace and comfort in his presence.

November Seventeenth

November Seventeenth. It's an odd day. It sneaks up on me like any other day and then BOOM, something strange happens. It's not necessarily a terrible day, just a day that notable things often seem to happen. It started November 17, 1994--the day my Grandma Smith died. That was a bad one. A couple years later November 17th was the day of the first snowfall of the year--the earliest date I ever remember it snowing in Portland! November 17, 1999 was the day I first held hands with a boy. Weird things happened on November 17ths in college: I randomly received money in the mail one year and I had a strange encounter with a crazy boss another year. Last year, I spent November 17th at the beach with a houseful of Jr. High students who were perhaps the whiniest, rudest group of students I had ever encountered up to that point. My friend Ibrahim attributes my November 17th superstition to "confirmational bias"; he thinks the only reason notable things happen that day of the year is because that is the day of the year that I am looking to notice them. He could be right...but then again...

November 17, 2007 joins the list of notable November 17ths. That is because this is the day that I officially received notification of losing my job at the church. The long deliberated merge is happening, and the termination of my employment at Cascade helps relieve our struggling community of some of its financial burden as well as allows a new church to emerge from the two groups that is not tied down to extra committments. I've chosen not to be a part of the newly merged church, but will continue attending Sunday morning services at Cascade until my work with the youth is wrapped up.

I have received "three months notice"--meaning that I will be paid for an additional three months work. However, since over the past three years I have worked about 12 weeks of overtime hours, the church has agreed to pay me for the next three months and allow me to decide how much of that I intend to work. I plan to wrap up my administrative responsibilities next week, but take a longer time helping the youth to deal with this change and provide them options for future growth in community.

November 17th. I told you it's an odd day! (Do you believe me yet, Brahim?) Although this year it was painful, it also marks a great transition that God has in store for my life and I'm trusting him for whatever comes next!

Chuch Update

Many people have been asking me how things have progressed at my church with the possible merger. Everything is still pretty much in limbo. People from both groups are meeting weekly with the goal of discovering if we have compatible ideas about church doctrine and structure. My understanding is that once that study is complete (probably sometime in December) leaders from the two groups will decide whether or not they feel that God wants us to join into a single community of fellowship. As such, I do not expect to have any more news about the situation or about my position at the church until the end of this year. Thank you to those who have been praying. God has been so faithful to grant me peace midst my current uncertainties. Please continue to pray for wisdom for the leaders involved in the decision-making process.

2007 Passion Awards

Each year thousands of people are killed in collisions due to drunk driving. With such serious statistics, why do so many people continue to get behind the wheel after they've had several drinks? Because their judgment is impaired. Too much alcohol causes you to overestimate your abilities. Sometimes even without alcohol in the mix, we tend to overestimate our abilities. At least I sure do. God has warned us not to think of ourselves more highly than we ought, but to consider ourselves with "sober" judgment.

There's nothing that snaps me out of "drunken" self-evalution quicker than a conversation with Jr. Highers. I teach lessons each week to our various youth groups and I have to admit, I really enjoy preaching. I enjoy the preparatory study, and then the presentation even more. Maybe because I enjoy it so much, I've "drunkenly" deluded myself into thinking that I'm good at it. Then came my sobering conversation with a sixth grader. Last Thursday I mentioned to one of the students that the lesson that evening was going to be really short. Immediately her face lit up, "YESSSS!!" I smiled half-sadly and she quickly backtracked, "No, no--it's not that I don't like the lessons, it's just that I don't have very good attention so it's easier for me to learn when you don't talk much." Ouch. And yet I know it's true. The lessons that the kids really remember from the past three years tend to be the lessons that were associated with creative activities.

The last several weeks I spoke to the kids about passion, and about how God wants us to be people of passion, but that passion misdirected can have disastrous results! We talked about four particular passions God's Word instructs us to cultivate: a passion for God, a passion for other people, a passion for truth and a passion for continuous growth. Last Thursday I spent about 3 minutes reiterating these ideas to the kids, and then we commenced with the 2007 Passion Awards.

I had wanted the kids to see specific examples of what it would look like to cultivate these passions in their lives, so Eric and I went through the youth group roster thinking of specific examples of how particular students had demonstrated love for God and people or a pursual of truth and spiritual growth. We wanted to encourage and challenge the students by sharing those stories so that they could see concrete ways they could live lives of passion--even as youth. We created special award certificates, lit the sanctuary with stage lights only, and made a "red carpet" down the center aisle using butcher paper. The kids were so excited that they decided to sit in the back pews for the awards so that they could walk the full length of the "red carpet" when their name was called. (We discovered part-way through the awards that Butcher paper makes a very slippery carpet!)

Above: A student walks down the aisle to receive her award.

Below: Members of the awesome small group from the other week pose with their certificates awarded for demonstrating a passion for truth and growth.

The Fruit of the Spirit's Work in Their Lives

READ TOP SECTION IF YOU'RE SEARCHING FOR FREE STUDY GUIDES

According to my statcounter, this is one of my most recently looked at blog entries found by people who are searching for "Fruit of the Spirit Lessons" or something like that. If it is helpful to you, I wanted to share a link to the study guides that I found to be a very helpful resource. It was written for families, and I when I used it I adapted things slightly to better fit the youth, but it is an EXCELLENT resource. The best I found on the topic. You can download their study guides for free at: http://collegehills.org/page.aspx?id=193887. (If you don't mind leaving a comment if you found the link helpful, I'd enjoy knowing.) Okay, back to the blog entry I wrote about a year ago -- Kristi Smith (September 29, 2008)

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I never know quite what to expect in our Life Groups (small groups with 6th-8th graders). I meet with two groups of students each Tuesday consisting of a total of 11 students who are interested in accountability and Bible Study. Each week we encourage one another to be consistent in meeting our spiritual life goals, and report to one another on how well we showed our love for God and others the past week. The second half of the meeting is dedicated to studying how we can apply God’s Word to our lives; we’re currently studying the fruit of the Spirit.

While preparing, I generally have a picture in my mind of how students will respond to the lessons/discussions—it’s never accurate. Sometimes I’m disappointed, but recently I’ve been encouraged by the willing hearts of these students.

Last week we talked about love and how God wants us to show love to all people—not just the ones that are easy for us to love. At the end of the night we asked ourselves, “Who can I work on showing love to this week?” I expected the students to talk about enemies and bullies at school—wouldn’t you? Instead I found that the overwhelming majority of students I work with have the hardest time showing God’s love to their parents. Okay, you’re thinking, so maybe that fits the years of adolescent angst. Sure it does—if we’re talking about loving our parents despite the fact that they set boundaries and make us do chores. But these students were sharing prayer requests about showing love to their parents who have abandoned them, who struggle with mental illnesses, who consistently choose substance abuse over the good of their children. Imagine being a middle schooler and trying to figure out how to best honor both parents if they’re in the middle of a bitter battle and are constantly trying to get you to agree with them about how terrible the other one is. There are no easy solutions for these kids—just lots of prayer and turning them to the guidance of the Holy Spirit in their lives.

Today the topic of study was joy. Well…it was supposed to be. In the first group we never got around to our study because instead the students engaged in theological discussion on everything from gender differences and similarities to evolution to salvation of babies and the mentally challenged. I was amazed at the wisdom and insight that these students shared with one another—it was truly discussion (not me teaching them a lesson), and boy did they make excellent points!

In the evening group we did manage to get around to our discussion on joy. It went well, despite the fact that two girls spent half the discussion coloring their fingernails and purses with permanent markers (a distraction easily remedied by removing the Sharpies from my pen jar so that they won’t be available next week). There’s one student in particular in the evening group who is a new believer and seems to be soaking up everything she can. I love watching her make the connections in her head and then her hand shoots up as she “gets it” and she shares the exact point that I hoped she would get from reading a passage. Even one of the Sharpie girls made me grin tonight as she announced before leaving that she hadn’t been “very serious about religious things recently” but that she wanted to “make some changes and seriously follow after God.”

Okay, so I know from first-hand experience that ministry isn’t always like this. I mean on Thursday night I was vehemently told “I hate you!” by a student. But then, the same student told me as I was saying goodbye later that night, “We love you too, Kristi.” So…whether they’re loving me or hating me, I have to say that I sure am LOVING these kids! I am so privileged to have the opportunity to be a part of their lives, and there is nothing more encouraging to me than seeing the Spirit stir in their hearts, drawing them closer to God.

Laugh With Me

All right, so with the recent state of affairs this blog has seemed semi-melancholy. Not today. Today was very joyful and encouraging as we had our first small groups of the year with the 6th-8th graders. To get to know one another we shared our "faith stories" and three of the girls shared that they had not known Jesus until this past year when they started attending our youth program. What an affirmation of God using the humble attempts of a struggling group of believers to reach out and communicate his truth and love to lost and hurting kids!

Then one girl told me a story that I had to laugh at, and I thought I would share it with you. This is how she told it to me....

"Kristi, you remember that time you were talking at youth group about prayer and you said 'Wouldn't it be cool if we had a 1-800 number to talk to God?'" [I don't remember, but it sounds like something I would say.] "And then you told us that we didn't even need to pick up a phone, but we could just talk to God anytime and he would be listening. Well, a few days ago I was thinking about that and I really wanted to talk to God, and then I started thinking, 'What if I really could call God and talk to him. So I picked up the phone and dialed 1-800-TALK2GOD..."

[At this I pointed out to her that there were 8 digits in that number and she said, "Well, it rang!" leading me to assume that the first 7 digits were actually dialed and the last one was just a superfluous number pressed right before the ring.]

"Anyway, the phone rang and it didn't even go to an answering machine or anything. Just this lady answered the phone and said 'Something-something-something-something Law Offices,' or something like that. And I was kind of confused and I said 'Jeesuus?' and she was quiet for a second and then she said, 'Ummm...I'm sorry, Josephine doesn't work here anymore.' So then I felt dumb and I was really embarrased so I just said, 'Okay, thank you,' and hung up really quick."

By now the other girls and I were cracking up and I said to her, "You missed the whole point of what I was saying. I was saying that we don't need a phone to talk to God--we can talk to him whenever and wherever!"

"I know," she admitted, "but for some reason when I was thinking about it I just got all excited and then I really, really felt in my heart that it was going to work."

The moral of the story? Just because it feels like it should work doesn't mean it will, whatever your "it" may be, I'd recommend making sure "it" is grounded in truth. :-)

My Church

So, for those of you who are unaware, there is a lot of uncertainty right now surrounding my church (which currently doubles as my employer, making things stickier).

Basically, for the past couple years the adult population in our church has been in decline. This summer there were several hard blows as people very involved in ministry at our church announced that they would be leaving. Discouragement infiltrated the ranks and we began to hear murmurs of "maybe the elders should just admit it's over and close the doors." Tom (one of the two elders), organized several meetings with various groups of people in the church to see if the congregation had the heart to work at turning things around. Although I was terrified that people were going to want to give up (an idea that I think is incredibly sad--not to mention unbiblical), they actually rose to the occasion. The general consensus was that we wanted to do what we could with what we had left to honor God and minister to people. We realized that things would have to change as our church family has changed so much in the past years, but we were full of ideas and, I though, an eagerness to see how God would use us for his glory.

Several weeks ago, a group of people who had left another local church expressed interest in joining forces with us. They told our leaders that their group (about the same size as our group) was meeting weekly to remember Jesus, worship the Lord and to study a book to try to determine how God wants the church to look. What has happened is that our two congregations are now reading and discussing this book together and praying about whether or not God would have the two join together.

Many people feel that this other group is God's answer to prayer: they would fill our pews, double our Sunday school class attendance, and enhance our worship services and increase our church income. More importantly, their group has people who are gifted in areas that our church seems to lack: visionaries, preachers, and musicians.

Unfortunately, others of us (myself included) are very concerned about this potential merger. I have read parts of the book they are studying and I take issue not only with the author's handling of Scripture but also with some of his doctrinal positions--especially concerning the involvement of women in the church and the interaction of believers with non-believers (both of which he minimizes). There are also some other issues that worry me based on second-hand information I have received about statements made by members of this new group, but I won't detail those here.

I feel that right now everything is on hold while we wait to see what happens next. If we choose not to merge there will be a significant number of people (whom I love deeply) who will be very disappointed and will feel that the elders missed out on the God-sent answer to our prayers for guidance for our congregation. On the other hand, if we choose to merge there will be a shift in the leadership of our church and I'm guessing that the new elder board will not be favorable toward a female youth director.

I love my church. Many of them rocked me in the nursery, taught me Bible lessons, and endured my misbehavior in Jr. High. They have encouraged me and supported me and discipled me and loved me and provided for my needs. They are my family, and to part with them would break my heart. I doubt that I will ever on this earth be blessed with such a tightly-knit community of support. But I fear that my time there may be drawing to an end.

Please pray for us: pray that our leaders and the leaders of this other group would both be sensitive to the wisdom and guidance of the Holy Spirit. Pray that God would give our leaders the strength to follow his will despite resistance. Pray that God would give me peace about the uncertainties of my life right now and that if it is time for a change he would show me what he has in store for me next. Please also pray for the precious kids that he has entrusted to my care over the past three years. Pray that the time that I have left with them, whether long or short, would be memorable and life-changing. Pray that they would encounter Jesus and that he would revolutionize their hearts and their lives and grow them into the men and women that he has created them to be. Pray that he would use them and me and each of us who have received forgiveness through Jesus to share the hope of life in relationship with God to the lost and hurting world around us.

To God be the glory...in all things...forever...Amen.

Waiting for Spring

It begins subtly.

So subtly that I almost don't notice.

After all, it is warm

not cold.

And they are green

not brown.

But that doesn't change the fact that they are on the ground,

leaving a vacancy on the branches they once called home.

The summer sun has sapped the branch of strength

and it can no longer keep its hold.

Autumn comes with its irresistible wind and rain,

and I can do nothing to stop it

as it tears the leaves away one by one...until that final release.

Then it will be winter.

And it will be cold

And the branches will be empty.

And there will be no leaves to give me shelter.

But I have hope

that spring will come.

New life will grow and provide me shelter.

A resting place.

Until Autumn.

It began subtly.
So subtly that at first I didn't notice.
After all, it was one
not all.
And they were "led"
not fleeing.
But that didn't change the fact that they were gone,
leaving a vacancy in the branches they once called family.
The summer sun had sapped the branch of strength

and it could no longer keep its hold.
This season of change comes with its irresistible wind and rain,

and I can do nothing to stop it
as it tears these dear ones away one by one...

until that final abandonment.
Then our community will be dead.
And it will be lonely.

And my heart will feel empty.

And there will be no one left to fellowship with me.

But I have hope
that spring will come.
New relationships will grow

and I will again join my heart with others.
A resting place.
Until we too, are parted.

It will begin subtly.
So subtly that it has probably already begun without my notice.
After all, it's my knee
not my vision.
And I feel strong
not weak.
But that doesn't change the fact that my strength will keep waning,
leaving a vacancy on the branches I once called "my body."
The summer sun will sap this branch of its strength

until it can no longer keep its hold.
Death will come midst irresistible wind and rain,

and no one can do anything to stop it
as it tears my breaths away one by one...until that final exhale.
Then…I will be free!
And I will see Him.
And the thirst of my heart will be quenched.
And light will drench the
once-dark corners of my soul.

This is my Hope.
Spring will come.
New Life will begin and I will be complete

in the presence of the One for whom I've longed.
A joyful place.

And I will never feel the sting of Autumn again.

Four Sentences About Tonight (And A One-Sentence Prayer)

Tonight youth group was tiring and discouraging. It's weird how you can love people so much that you physically ache for them to make wise decisions, to be safe and to grow into the sorts of persons who make a difference in the world. I'm learning (again, or is it still?) that I can do nothing to change people's hearts and lives. And I guess it's good that that is God's responsibility and not mine, or else I would be an utter failure.

Lord, please protect these kids bodies, hearts and souls and draw them near to yourself.

Our Fall Retreat

I apologize for not posting earlier. I needed some time to debrief and evaluate.

I believe the retreat went very well overall. It was tiring and challenging, but good. One of my main goals was that the students would be able to build relationships with one another and that we (staff) would be able to connect with each of them on a deeper level. God graciously permitted that to occur! I feel like I know the students so much better, and knowing them is vital to being able to minister to them.

There were a lot of challenges, but I was amazed again by God's faithfulness in bringing about good things in the midst of the hard times. For some reason this group of students seemed to be particularly cruel to one another at times. But there were at least two different instances when a student's feelings were hurt by someone else and then several other students showed care and concern for the hurt person. I loved watching them show love to one another as they sympathized and cheered each other up. It was so beautiful! One evening we were worshipping together and some of the students were being rude and distracting, which led me to believe that they were not really interested in worshipping. But when I stopped playing, they apologized for talking and kept requesting songs for another 20 minutes!

I was struck (once again) with the fact that all of my planning and preparing really has very little to do with the good things that will happen. God was faithful to work in the hearts of these kids through their peers as well as (and some times in spite of) the leaders. I pray that the times when we loved the kids well they would see the love God has for him and that the times when we were impatient they would see as our own human weakness.

Please continue to pray for the group, which has changed significantly over the past two months. We have increased in size (basically doubled), and shifted to a much younger average age. We are also seeing more students from broken homes and unchurched homes. I feel that our group (despite being located in Gresham) has become an urban ministry. I'm pretty sure that urban ministry should look different than suburban ministry, but I haven't figured out yet how best to minister to this different group of kids with different problems, hurts and needs. If you have any ideas, feel free to let me know. In the mean time, join me in praying that God would continue to draw students to himself.

Only God Can Do It

Wow, I guess technically it's Friday now which means that we leave on our youth retreat this afternoon. I've got so many things left to do to prepare--and one of them is to sleep, so I'll make this short.

Although tonight we had a record-breaking number of students at youth group, we have pretty low attendance on the retreat due to (a) it being near the hollidays and (b)all the older kids being afraid to sign up because they didn't know yet if their friends could attend. Consequently we're taking a small group, but it will be very young and very new (1/3 are students who I have never met or met only once or twice). We're not sure what to expect, really, but I keep seeing God's hand in preparing things for which I could not have planned. He obviously made room for each student he wanted to attend. I'm trusting he has a purpose and praying that he uses this weekend as a tool to draw people closer to himself--which is something that I cannot facilitate no matter how prepared I am. Only God can work in people's hearts, so pray that he does this weekend.

Please also pray for: safety, growth, kindness (students), patience and wisdom(staff), and plenty of fun. I'll let you know how it goes!

Thanks, Kristi

Ping Pong Faithfulness

Each Wednesday I meet with Eric to talk about youth group stuff. Today we were talking about what sorts of activities we could include at our all-nighter that would be boy-friendly. Eric mentioned how he thought it would be really cool to get a ping pong table for the church. "Yeah," I agreed, "but I don't think we have room in our budget for that." I was at my desk, so I decided to check craigslist real quick, and guess what!? There was a ping pong table that had been listed last night! It was just the table top, but it was going for $10 and we figured we could set it on top of a table at church and buy a net and some paddles for it. I called and the woman said it was still there, so we tromped off to pick up my parents' van so we could haul the tabletop. On the way I was thinking how cool it was that just when we were thinking of buying one, someone had listed one so cheap. Sometimes I laugh when I think people "overspiritualize" things. But I'm afraid that sometimes I "underspiritualize" and neglect to give God credit for being faithful in bringing about small blessings in the details of our lives.

Lest I somehow doubt God's role in providing the ping pong table, when we got there I told them how excited I was to get a table for our youth group and they decided to give it to us for free! As we're pulling out of the driveway, they flagged us back down and handed us a net and two paddles that they had found under a pile of stuff in the garage! Then, we get back to the church, and just happened to stumble across more paddles! LOL. It was crazy the way that in a period of an hour and a half, God gave us a free ping pong table, complete with net and paddles! He is so faithful to bless us--even in the silly little details of our lives--and I'm determined to give him the credit for his provision.

Gluelympics 2006

Today we had our Gluelympics event! We had a couple new students which is exciting. And a whole bunch of our incoming 6th graders came and had a blast. It was seriously a lot of fun. We had crazy competitions in track and field events, team competition events and water events. Perhaps my favorite of the day was the "Turkeyput" (like shotput only with a raw 11.5 lb turkey!). Sorry...I wish I had more pictures to show, but I was too busy most of the time to turn on the camera.

Join me in thanking the Lord for gorgeous 77 degree weather, for an injury free afternoon and for the kids having fun together! I need to get to bed now, I'm teaching Sunday School tomorrow. But I just wanted to post up these pics from today. The flags were so cool! And the winning team receive a beautiful golden cup (sorry, no pics of it--but it was awesome!).

The Ministry Roller-Coaster

We're in the midst of preparing for our school-year kickoff for Glue (our youth group). We took the last three weeks off of youth group, and due to camping trips, etc., I hadn't seen some of the kids for a while. But yesterday and today I saw a lot of them, and it was a great example of the roller coaster that is youth ministry.

Yesterday the rollercoaster plummetted downward. At 11:00 AM I caught some kids smoking behind the church. At 12:00 PM one of my students shared with me about a drinking binge last week that ended with a trip to the hospital due to possible alcohol poisoning. But it was at 1:00 PM that the cops, fire truck and paramedics showed up. One of the students had been involved in a domestic dispute (thank God for divine protection--no one needed to go to the hospital). Yesterday left me on my face before God begging him to protect these students and to preserve them and draw them into close fellowship with himself.

Today the rollercoaster soared skyward. I took three of the core students with leadership abilities out to lunch to talk about ideas for the upcoming year. Among other things, they told me they wanted to (1) memorize more verses and hold one another accountable to applying them to their lives, (2) be involved in consistent service projects, and (3) perhaps go on a mission trip. Then one of them said that before they went on a mission trip, she thought that they should "practice" by hosting a student-led 5-day Bible club in a local neighborhood where the students would plan the games and teach the lessons. I was so encouraged! They also agreed to take on some responsibilities at the weekly meetings, which will help them grow and gain a greater sense of ownership of the youth group. My heart can't stop grinning (if hearts can grin). Today left me raising my hands to the Lord and thanking him for working in the lives of these young people, and for giving me the privilege of serving them.

Jr. High Girls Camp 2006!!!

It's all over. We spent months and months planning and praying and preparing, and in one [relatively] short week, it was over!

It was a hard week--especially the first few days. There was actually a lot of controversy over the Hot Topics (our evening chapels were dedicated to addressing things like Friends & Gossip, Depression & Suicide, Media, Relationships, Beauty & Body Image). People wondered if the girls were too young or the topics too deep, if the presenters were experienced enough, if the counselors were old enough to handle tough questions, if the camp was sufficiently equipped to provide assistance to any girls who needed serious help. By the end of the first couple days, I was so nervous I had a giant knot in my stomach. But Amber and I felt that the Lord was leading us to address the tough issues directly, so we pushed on.

And I am so glad that we did! At the Friday campfire girl after girl shared about how they had been challenged and encouraged by the Hot Topics. It was such a blessing! I'm so glad we followed God's leading instead of giving up when things got difficult.

Anyway, I'm home now. I'm going through camp-withdrawl. My apartment seems so empty and lonely this week. But Amber & Andrew have been kind enough to frequently include me in their family activities. So I'm okay. :-) Plus I have Jesus, so I'm really okay.

Thank you, Lord for an awesome week. You worked things together that we could never have done. Help the girls to continue to grow and seek you throughout the year. Amen.

Is Sacrificial Love Safe?

The last two nights in a row there have been crazy people outside my apartment that have made me feel uncomfortable enough to sleep with my revolver next to me. Last night two people knocked on my door at 1:30am asking to use my phone! I didn't even open the door, just yelled sorry through the peephole. I feel kind of bad about that. I hope they are okay. It's hard to balance sacrificial love for people with common sense safety rules.

As Christians, we're commanded to show love to people--but so often my service of people is inhibited by these safety rules ingrained in me by my parents and society at large: don't pick up hitchhikers, never give cash to panhandlers (but food is okay), don't bring home homeless people to sleep on the couch, don't open the door to strangers or allow them into your home, don't let strangers into the church while you're there alone. There are a lot of safety rules!

On Thursday this guy showed up at the church and asked to come in and talk with me. I explained that it was against church policy for me to let anyone inside the church while I was there alone, then I went out on the porch to talk to him. To make his long story short, him and his wife were stranded with no money to get back to their home near Seattle. After calling the treasurer, I had to explain to the man that our church doesn't help out with transportation. He sat down on the porch and began to cry. He'd been walking around town all day going to churches and social service agencies but no one would help. It took me an hour, but I was able to find a friend who could drive the guy to get his wife and take them to the bus station (I couldn't leave because youth group was starting soon). So this guy was hungry and tired and waiting for my friend to show up, and I wasn't supposed to let him into the church for "safety" (mine? the church's?). So, I ended up hauling an easychair from the library out onto the porch. The neighbors probably thought it was strange seeing a tired, disheveled man sitting in a pink floral easy chair on the porch of the church--but at least he was able to rest his feet!

Anyway...I'm so confused about safety. When Jesus hung out with theives and prostitutes, was he taking some sort of safety precautions of which I'm merely unaware? Or could he have been more concerned about ministering to lost and hurting (and even dangerous?) souls than in procuring the safety of his person or posessions?

So those of you with families are probably thinking--but I have an obligation to keep my family safe! That's probably true, I guess. I'm just not sure where it says it in the Bible. Please tell me if you can think of a place. Was Jesus showing disregard for the safety of his disciples when he led them to minister among vagrants?

Oughtn't we love people in obedience to God and trust him to keep us safe? Of course, I suppose someone could say that buckling seatbelts or taking antibiotics is showing a lack of trust in God. So balance. Where's the proper balance? If you have any ideas, please respond! I just don't know. But despite all my love-talk, I'm still going to bed next to my .38 revolver.