My Church

So, for those of you who are unaware, there is a lot of uncertainty right now surrounding my church (which currently doubles as my employer, making things stickier).

Basically, for the past couple years the adult population in our church has been in decline. This summer there were several hard blows as people very involved in ministry at our church announced that they would be leaving. Discouragement infiltrated the ranks and we began to hear murmurs of "maybe the elders should just admit it's over and close the doors." Tom (one of the two elders), organized several meetings with various groups of people in the church to see if the congregation had the heart to work at turning things around. Although I was terrified that people were going to want to give up (an idea that I think is incredibly sad--not to mention unbiblical), they actually rose to the occasion. The general consensus was that we wanted to do what we could with what we had left to honor God and minister to people. We realized that things would have to change as our church family has changed so much in the past years, but we were full of ideas and, I though, an eagerness to see how God would use us for his glory.

Several weeks ago, a group of people who had left another local church expressed interest in joining forces with us. They told our leaders that their group (about the same size as our group) was meeting weekly to remember Jesus, worship the Lord and to study a book to try to determine how God wants the church to look. What has happened is that our two congregations are now reading and discussing this book together and praying about whether or not God would have the two join together.

Many people feel that this other group is God's answer to prayer: they would fill our pews, double our Sunday school class attendance, and enhance our worship services and increase our church income. More importantly, their group has people who are gifted in areas that our church seems to lack: visionaries, preachers, and musicians.

Unfortunately, others of us (myself included) are very concerned about this potential merger. I have read parts of the book they are studying and I take issue not only with the author's handling of Scripture but also with some of his doctrinal positions--especially concerning the involvement of women in the church and the interaction of believers with non-believers (both of which he minimizes). There are also some other issues that worry me based on second-hand information I have received about statements made by members of this new group, but I won't detail those here.

I feel that right now everything is on hold while we wait to see what happens next. If we choose not to merge there will be a significant number of people (whom I love deeply) who will be very disappointed and will feel that the elders missed out on the God-sent answer to our prayers for guidance for our congregation. On the other hand, if we choose to merge there will be a shift in the leadership of our church and I'm guessing that the new elder board will not be favorable toward a female youth director.

I love my church. Many of them rocked me in the nursery, taught me Bible lessons, and endured my misbehavior in Jr. High. They have encouraged me and supported me and discipled me and loved me and provided for my needs. They are my family, and to part with them would break my heart. I doubt that I will ever on this earth be blessed with such a tightly-knit community of support. But I fear that my time there may be drawing to an end.

Please pray for us: pray that our leaders and the leaders of this other group would both be sensitive to the wisdom and guidance of the Holy Spirit. Pray that God would give our leaders the strength to follow his will despite resistance. Pray that God would give me peace about the uncertainties of my life right now and that if it is time for a change he would show me what he has in store for me next. Please also pray for the precious kids that he has entrusted to my care over the past three years. Pray that the time that I have left with them, whether long or short, would be memorable and life-changing. Pray that they would encounter Jesus and that he would revolutionize their hearts and their lives and grow them into the men and women that he has created them to be. Pray that he would use them and me and each of us who have received forgiveness through Jesus to share the hope of life in relationship with God to the lost and hurting world around us.

To God be the glory...in all things...forever...Amen.

Waiting for Spring

It begins subtly.

So subtly that I almost don't notice.

After all, it is warm

not cold.

And they are green

not brown.

But that doesn't change the fact that they are on the ground,

leaving a vacancy on the branches they once called home.

The summer sun has sapped the branch of strength

and it can no longer keep its hold.

Autumn comes with its irresistible wind and rain,

and I can do nothing to stop it

as it tears the leaves away one by one...until that final release.

Then it will be winter.

And it will be cold

And the branches will be empty.

And there will be no leaves to give me shelter.

But I have hope

that spring will come.

New life will grow and provide me shelter.

A resting place.

Until Autumn.

It began subtly.
So subtly that at first I didn't notice.
After all, it was one
not all.
And they were "led"
not fleeing.
But that didn't change the fact that they were gone,
leaving a vacancy in the branches they once called family.
The summer sun had sapped the branch of strength

and it could no longer keep its hold.
This season of change comes with its irresistible wind and rain,

and I can do nothing to stop it
as it tears these dear ones away one by one...

until that final abandonment.
Then our community will be dead.
And it will be lonely.

And my heart will feel empty.

And there will be no one left to fellowship with me.

But I have hope
that spring will come.
New relationships will grow

and I will again join my heart with others.
A resting place.
Until we too, are parted.

It will begin subtly.
So subtly that it has probably already begun without my notice.
After all, it's my knee
not my vision.
And I feel strong
not weak.
But that doesn't change the fact that my strength will keep waning,
leaving a vacancy on the branches I once called "my body."
The summer sun will sap this branch of its strength

until it can no longer keep its hold.
Death will come midst irresistible wind and rain,

and no one can do anything to stop it
as it tears my breaths away one by one...until that final exhale.
Then…I will be free!
And I will see Him.
And the thirst of my heart will be quenched.
And light will drench the
once-dark corners of my soul.

This is my Hope.
Spring will come.
New Life will begin and I will be complete

in the presence of the One for whom I've longed.
A joyful place.

And I will never feel the sting of Autumn again.

Happy Crashiversary to Us!

The Wreckage:

September 4, 2003. It was a Thursday night and my brother Eric and I were on our way home from church. He had his learner's permit so I tossed him the keys after carefully loading my guitar into the hatchback next to some class notes from the courses I'd begun one week earlier. 10 minutes later, I was crawling over my shattered guitar to exit the wreckage through the rear hatch. I remember that my coursework was scattered all across the road and I felt like it was imperative that I pick it all up before it blew away. There was a crowd of people--I'm still not sure where they all came from. Some of them tried to convince me to sit down and I think I shouted at them, "I know you think I'm crazy...but I'm a poor college student and I need to get my homework!" Poor bystanders. Turns out I was a little bit crazy…and I later obtained the gpa to prove it and the prescription to treat it.

It's funny how our minds remember things. I remember things so vividly from that night—even some things that I believed to be true, but later learned were not actually as I remember. I see the accident in flashes of memories. But it's not just the accident. I see the time after it in flashes of memories, too. But what is so aggravating is that I don't think I see anyone else—I mean really see anyone else—in those flashes for at least six months. It was all about me: my fear, my pain, my injustice, my academic and emotional struggles.

The Survivors:

There's something about hardships that give us tunnel vision. When we are hurting our pain consumes our sensations and emotions so that all we can feel and see is ourselves and our own experiences. We forget that there's a whole world existing outside of ourselves and that this world is made up of individuals who live their own story and swim through their own puddles of tears. I lived as if I was the center of the world for over six months. I'm afraid that some people live like it their entire lives, so consumed by their pain that they are unable to connect deeply with anyone else. This only enhances their isolation and increases their pain.

It's not like it has to be a big, dramatic pain either. Recently when I received news of disconcerting possibilities at my church I immediately began to throw myself a pity party. It took me a couple days to begin to wonder what these possibilities could mean for other people in our church family. I'd like to change that. I want to have a heart that sees beyond my fears and pain to the needs of people around me. But how do I do that? How do I go about changing my heart?

I think the only answer is to keep my eyes on Jesus. Which really makes sense. "Set your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of your faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross…" He looked beyond the pain and the shame of the cross to see our need to be in a right relationship with God. Because of him, we not only receive hope of future joy and rest, but we are also challenged to imitate his humility and selflessness.

Lord, thank you for seeing beyond your pain to the neediness of the world separated from you by their sin. Transform my heart to be more like yours. Please help me to not get trapped in the tunnel vision of hardships. Help me to accept these hardships as opportunities to experience you in new ways and help me to see others the way you see them so that I can serve and encourage them to seek you in their times of hurting.

Years later--NOW I can see how God was working what seemed bad for good in my life.

The Greatest, Most Terrible Days Ever!

One aspect of my personality (that I alternately love and hate) is that I change moods frequently. In a matter of hours I can go from feelings of utter despair to feelings of eager anticipation—and back again. So much so that my Grandmother used to recite to me a little poem, that rang all too true:

"There was a little girl who had a little curl,
right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good,
but when she was bad, she was horrid."

Prime example: So a couple Sundays ago, I was having a really good day. I had been basking in God's presence, and truly enjoying worshiping him with my brothers and sisters in Christ. The last church meeting of the day was a prayer meeting. There were 13 of us in attendance, an odd number. When the final "amen" was spoken, everyone looked up and immediately engaged in conversation with someone next to them. Everyone, that is, except me. I felt like the odd man out. Somehow, the people on either side of me had begun talking to the people on the other side of them, which isn't a big deal except I just suddenly felt out of it. I considered butting in on one of the conversations next to me, but both seemed kind of serious so instead I just left. Moments before I had been feeling so joyful and connected with other people and now I felt so isolated and alone as I got in my car to drive home to my empty apartment. I felt as if there was no one in this world who cared about what I would face in life or who would be there to face it with me. I began to sing to Jesus, "All of you is more than enough for all of me—for every thirst and every need…" So, I'm driving down the road feeling incredibly lonely, and trying to trust God to fulfill my needs, but still hurting from a sense of isolation, when suddenly this green SUV passes me on the left, and out pops this little head, and this girls grins at me and waves. It was one of Mindy's teammates. And just like that, I felt happy again. See, Kristi, just because you live alone does not mean that you are all alone in the world. God will be faithful to send people to you when you need them. And just like that, my half-mile of melancholy was gone and I felt happy again, thanks to that girl's silly wave.

Okay, so imagine for a minute that your emotions are constantly roller-coasting. It stinks because you can go from happy to sad in a moment—but then it's nice because you can also go from sad to happy! Either way, it means that you can have the best and the worst day all in the same day.

And that's how life has seemed recently.

There have been some great things happening that have been such an encouragement to me:
- God's given me several opportunities to have serious discussions with people about faith, life and the gracious forgiveness extended to us in Jesus.
- I've been able to reconnect with some students who hadn't been in touch with me for a while.
- I've been richly blessed by my friendships; I love having friends who engage my mind and my heart and challenge my thinking and my actions!
- I have been enjoying spending more time with my family recently, just making it a bigger priority. And let me tell you guys…my family is awesome. I mean, we're kind of weird and we've got our weaknesses, but I am so thankful for my parents and my siblings and the love that we share for one another.
- A group of us started this refreshing Bible read-thru night, where we just read together for 45 minutes and then spend time in prayer and worship. I love it!

There have also been some really tough things going on—not so much to me personally, but to the people around me. I know it is much harder for them, but my heart does ache for them.
- A dear friend was recently diagnosed with and now being treated for cancer.
- Students have been suffering physical, emotional and spiritual trauma, leaving me feeling helpless and unable to protect them or solve their problems (not that I expect to be able to, but still I hate feeling so helpless while this stuff is happening to them!).
- My dad was told he would be losing his job this summer.
- Things at church are relatively unstable—people are hurting, discouraged and some are leaving, which only causes more pain for those of us that remain.

And yet, I find that through these hard times, God works. My friend demonstrates strength of character and dependence upon God despite the uncertainty of her health, and I am amazed and challenged by her grace. Students are learning to pray for one another and support each other during difficult times, growing in their sense of community. God answered our prayers and demonstrated his care and provision by providing my dad with another job within the same company. And I find that although things are uncertain at church, there is a group of us who are committed to pursuing God's purpose for our community of believers, even if it looks different than it has in the past. That is exciting for me! I'm confident that God will use these hard times to refine us and prepare us for what he has in store for us, and I'm actually eager to try some new things and see how God might bless us.

So, how am I doing? Depends on the moment you ask. But this is the verdict of which I am certain: Life can be both beautiful and terribly hard, but God is good. All the time.

Something or Nothing

Sometimes I can't decide whether I don't blog because there's nothing to say or because there's so much to say that I don't have time/space/energy to say it.

What Has Occurred Recently:
-- I hosted a Japanese international student for the month of March, that was an awesome experience.
-- Over spring break I went on a very fun road trip with some friends who I truly enjoy and appreciate.
-- My adorable nephew, Gavin, was legally adopted by my sister on March 30th.

What I've Been Feeling Recently:
Emotions are ridiculous sometimes.
Lonley, happy, stupid, content, guilty, peaceful, ...tell me if that mix of emotions makes any sense at all--and sometimes all within the same hour!

What I've Been Thinking About Recently:
-- Lots of theological questions that I thought I would have "solved" by now. ;-)
-- The absurdity of a fickle, finite being in relationship with a faithful, infinite God....and what that relationship should look like.
-- Whether or not I can help anyone at all...and how it should be done.
-- Friendship, faith, politics, social concern and justice, men and women...
-- The list goes on

I guess that should give you a whollistic summary of my life--what I'm thinking, feeling, doing... Sorry it's not very cohesive...or interesting. :-)

Four Sentences About Tonight (And A One-Sentence Prayer)

Tonight youth group was tiring and discouraging. It's weird how you can love people so much that you physically ache for them to make wise decisions, to be safe and to grow into the sorts of persons who make a difference in the world. I'm learning (again, or is it still?) that I can do nothing to change people's hearts and lives. And I guess it's good that that is God's responsibility and not mine, or else I would be an utter failure.

Lord, please protect these kids bodies, hearts and souls and draw them near to yourself.

Identity & Value <-- (I sound like a girl!)

Please do not feel pressured to read this. I'm so bad at being brief that I haven't written for a long time. It's easier for me to write a lengthy journal entry than a 1-paragraph blog. But, since a couple people have asked me what's been going on with me, I thought I'd give them a quick glimpse into some of my thoughts. This came from a journal entry I wrote last night...

Identity is an odd thing. It's a word that's used a lot in conjunction with the word "finding." "She finds her identity in her looks"..."He finds his identity in his mechanical skills." I guess what we mean by identity is value. We're actually saying, "She seeks value in looking good"..."He seeks to be valuable by being a skillful mechanic." And of course, ever since Jr. High Sunday School it's been drilled into my head that as a Christian I ought to "find my identity in Christ," that is, to seek meaning and value in relationship to him. Easier said than done.

Even when I think I'm following after the Lord's leading I quickly begin to seek personal worth in the "peripherals" of life. I feel like I'm a more worthwhile person when I'm being self-disciplined in my Scripture reading and prayer time, or when I'm spending lots of time connecting with students and pouring my heart into them. It's even easy for me to seek value ("find my identity in") my relationships with people: being a good friend, being someone people enjoy hanging out with, etc.

None of these things are bad, I don't think. But tonight I heard the Spirit's gentle voice calling my heart, beckoning me to draw near to God. To walk with him, even as I work with youth and hang out with friends.

It's kind of weird, you know. There is no one like God; I have no other relationship that is the same. I don't know why he sees value in me...but HE DOES!! :-) If I were not valuable to him, I would have no value. My value comes from the fact that HE (the Maker and Sustainer of Life) values me.

So, if my value lies in him, then to feel valuable, content and fulfilled it makes sense that I would want to remain near him, to consciously interact with him frequently throughout the day. But for some reason, I'm a peripheral junkie. I've allowed myself to become addicted to the [albeit lesser] "high" of being a dedicated youth leader, an enjoyable friend, or an attractive woman. (I'm not saying that I am all these things, only that I often work toward these things as if they would make me more valuable.)

So this life--this life that's been granted me, this job where I have been placed, these people God has put into my life--this life is from God. And since I'm a finite human, he understands (and expects?? maybe even is pleased by??) my involvement in the activities and relationships which make up life. But I must remember that it is not those things that make me valuable. That's good, because those things are not eternal. I could lose my job working with youth and still have value to God. I could betray my friends and he would still love me. I could always be ranked the least attractive person in the room and I would still be just as precious to him. I could get in a car accident tomorrow and spend the rest of my life laying in a bed, disfigured, drooling all over myself, unable to recognize my friends and family, and I would still be valuable to God. Because the only true, inherent worth that I can claim is that I am loved by God.

So, Kristi, it's okay to throw yourself into ministry and relationships, as long as you don't get confused and begin to believe that your value is contingent upon your performance. (Isn't that great that I'm not less valuable on the nights when the sermon stinks, or I'm not a very supportive friend, or when I gain a lb. instead of losing it!) The trick then, must be to walk through life with God, letting him affirm my value in my relationship with him. And as my heart grows more in tune with his, I may find myself being more like him in the way that I minister to students and love my friends.

Lord, help me not to be drawn into the lies of the world that tell me that what matters about me is how I look or what I can do. Give me a balanced perspective of myself, so that I can be comfortable being the person you made me, serving in the place you placed me. Help my heart to be more aligned with yours. I want to walk with you each day--not so that spiritual disciplines make me feel good, but so that I am relating to you and allowing you to teach me, mold me, grow me and guide me each day of this life you have given.