The Greatest, Most Terrible Days Ever!

One aspect of my personality (that I alternately love and hate) is that I change moods frequently. In a matter of hours I can go from feelings of utter despair to feelings of eager anticipation—and back again. So much so that my Grandmother used to recite to me a little poem, that rang all too true:

"There was a little girl who had a little curl,
right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good,
but when she was bad, she was horrid."

Prime example: So a couple Sundays ago, I was having a really good day. I had been basking in God's presence, and truly enjoying worshiping him with my brothers and sisters in Christ. The last church meeting of the day was a prayer meeting. There were 13 of us in attendance, an odd number. When the final "amen" was spoken, everyone looked up and immediately engaged in conversation with someone next to them. Everyone, that is, except me. I felt like the odd man out. Somehow, the people on either side of me had begun talking to the people on the other side of them, which isn't a big deal except I just suddenly felt out of it. I considered butting in on one of the conversations next to me, but both seemed kind of serious so instead I just left. Moments before I had been feeling so joyful and connected with other people and now I felt so isolated and alone as I got in my car to drive home to my empty apartment. I felt as if there was no one in this world who cared about what I would face in life or who would be there to face it with me. I began to sing to Jesus, "All of you is more than enough for all of me—for every thirst and every need…" So, I'm driving down the road feeling incredibly lonely, and trying to trust God to fulfill my needs, but still hurting from a sense of isolation, when suddenly this green SUV passes me on the left, and out pops this little head, and this girls grins at me and waves. It was one of Mindy's teammates. And just like that, I felt happy again. See, Kristi, just because you live alone does not mean that you are all alone in the world. God will be faithful to send people to you when you need them. And just like that, my half-mile of melancholy was gone and I felt happy again, thanks to that girl's silly wave.

Okay, so imagine for a minute that your emotions are constantly roller-coasting. It stinks because you can go from happy to sad in a moment—but then it's nice because you can also go from sad to happy! Either way, it means that you can have the best and the worst day all in the same day.

And that's how life has seemed recently.

There have been some great things happening that have been such an encouragement to me:
- God's given me several opportunities to have serious discussions with people about faith, life and the gracious forgiveness extended to us in Jesus.
- I've been able to reconnect with some students who hadn't been in touch with me for a while.
- I've been richly blessed by my friendships; I love having friends who engage my mind and my heart and challenge my thinking and my actions!
- I have been enjoying spending more time with my family recently, just making it a bigger priority. And let me tell you guys…my family is awesome. I mean, we're kind of weird and we've got our weaknesses, but I am so thankful for my parents and my siblings and the love that we share for one another.
- A group of us started this refreshing Bible read-thru night, where we just read together for 45 minutes and then spend time in prayer and worship. I love it!

There have also been some really tough things going on—not so much to me personally, but to the people around me. I know it is much harder for them, but my heart does ache for them.
- A dear friend was recently diagnosed with and now being treated for cancer.
- Students have been suffering physical, emotional and spiritual trauma, leaving me feeling helpless and unable to protect them or solve their problems (not that I expect to be able to, but still I hate feeling so helpless while this stuff is happening to them!).
- My dad was told he would be losing his job this summer.
- Things at church are relatively unstable—people are hurting, discouraged and some are leaving, which only causes more pain for those of us that remain.

And yet, I find that through these hard times, God works. My friend demonstrates strength of character and dependence upon God despite the uncertainty of her health, and I am amazed and challenged by her grace. Students are learning to pray for one another and support each other during difficult times, growing in their sense of community. God answered our prayers and demonstrated his care and provision by providing my dad with another job within the same company. And I find that although things are uncertain at church, there is a group of us who are committed to pursuing God's purpose for our community of believers, even if it looks different than it has in the past. That is exciting for me! I'm confident that God will use these hard times to refine us and prepare us for what he has in store for us, and I'm actually eager to try some new things and see how God might bless us.

So, how am I doing? Depends on the moment you ask. But this is the verdict of which I am certain: Life can be both beautiful and terribly hard, but God is good. All the time.

Something or Nothing

Sometimes I can't decide whether I don't blog because there's nothing to say or because there's so much to say that I don't have time/space/energy to say it.

What Has Occurred Recently:
-- I hosted a Japanese international student for the month of March, that was an awesome experience.
-- Over spring break I went on a very fun road trip with some friends who I truly enjoy and appreciate.
-- My adorable nephew, Gavin, was legally adopted by my sister on March 30th.

What I've Been Feeling Recently:
Emotions are ridiculous sometimes.
Lonley, happy, stupid, content, guilty, peaceful, ...tell me if that mix of emotions makes any sense at all--and sometimes all within the same hour!

What I've Been Thinking About Recently:
-- Lots of theological questions that I thought I would have "solved" by now. ;-)
-- The absurdity of a fickle, finite being in relationship with a faithful, infinite God....and what that relationship should look like.
-- Whether or not I can help anyone at all...and how it should be done.
-- Friendship, faith, politics, social concern and justice, men and women...
-- The list goes on

I guess that should give you a whollistic summary of my life--what I'm thinking, feeling, doing... Sorry it's not very cohesive...or interesting. :-)

Four Sentences About Tonight (And A One-Sentence Prayer)

Tonight youth group was tiring and discouraging. It's weird how you can love people so much that you physically ache for them to make wise decisions, to be safe and to grow into the sorts of persons who make a difference in the world. I'm learning (again, or is it still?) that I can do nothing to change people's hearts and lives. And I guess it's good that that is God's responsibility and not mine, or else I would be an utter failure.

Lord, please protect these kids bodies, hearts and souls and draw them near to yourself.

Identity & Value <-- (I sound like a girl!)

Please do not feel pressured to read this. I'm so bad at being brief that I haven't written for a long time. It's easier for me to write a lengthy journal entry than a 1-paragraph blog. But, since a couple people have asked me what's been going on with me, I thought I'd give them a quick glimpse into some of my thoughts. This came from a journal entry I wrote last night...

Identity is an odd thing. It's a word that's used a lot in conjunction with the word "finding." "She finds her identity in her looks"..."He finds his identity in his mechanical skills." I guess what we mean by identity is value. We're actually saying, "She seeks value in looking good"..."He seeks to be valuable by being a skillful mechanic." And of course, ever since Jr. High Sunday School it's been drilled into my head that as a Christian I ought to "find my identity in Christ," that is, to seek meaning and value in relationship to him. Easier said than done.

Even when I think I'm following after the Lord's leading I quickly begin to seek personal worth in the "peripherals" of life. I feel like I'm a more worthwhile person when I'm being self-disciplined in my Scripture reading and prayer time, or when I'm spending lots of time connecting with students and pouring my heart into them. It's even easy for me to seek value ("find my identity in") my relationships with people: being a good friend, being someone people enjoy hanging out with, etc.

None of these things are bad, I don't think. But tonight I heard the Spirit's gentle voice calling my heart, beckoning me to draw near to God. To walk with him, even as I work with youth and hang out with friends.

It's kind of weird, you know. There is no one like God; I have no other relationship that is the same. I don't know why he sees value in me...but HE DOES!! :-) If I were not valuable to him, I would have no value. My value comes from the fact that HE (the Maker and Sustainer of Life) values me.

So, if my value lies in him, then to feel valuable, content and fulfilled it makes sense that I would want to remain near him, to consciously interact with him frequently throughout the day. But for some reason, I'm a peripheral junkie. I've allowed myself to become addicted to the [albeit lesser] "high" of being a dedicated youth leader, an enjoyable friend, or an attractive woman. (I'm not saying that I am all these things, only that I often work toward these things as if they would make me more valuable.)

So this life--this life that's been granted me, this job where I have been placed, these people God has put into my life--this life is from God. And since I'm a finite human, he understands (and expects?? maybe even is pleased by??) my involvement in the activities and relationships which make up life. But I must remember that it is not those things that make me valuable. That's good, because those things are not eternal. I could lose my job working with youth and still have value to God. I could betray my friends and he would still love me. I could always be ranked the least attractive person in the room and I would still be just as precious to him. I could get in a car accident tomorrow and spend the rest of my life laying in a bed, disfigured, drooling all over myself, unable to recognize my friends and family, and I would still be valuable to God. Because the only true, inherent worth that I can claim is that I am loved by God.

So, Kristi, it's okay to throw yourself into ministry and relationships, as long as you don't get confused and begin to believe that your value is contingent upon your performance. (Isn't that great that I'm not less valuable on the nights when the sermon stinks, or I'm not a very supportive friend, or when I gain a lb. instead of losing it!) The trick then, must be to walk through life with God, letting him affirm my value in my relationship with him. And as my heart grows more in tune with his, I may find myself being more like him in the way that I minister to students and love my friends.

Lord, help me not to be drawn into the lies of the world that tell me that what matters about me is how I look or what I can do. Give me a balanced perspective of myself, so that I can be comfortable being the person you made me, serving in the place you placed me. Help my heart to be more aligned with yours. I want to walk with you each day--not so that spiritual disciplines make me feel good, but so that I am relating to you and allowing you to teach me, mold me, grow me and guide me each day of this life you have given.

Our Fall Retreat

I apologize for not posting earlier. I needed some time to debrief and evaluate.

I believe the retreat went very well overall. It was tiring and challenging, but good. One of my main goals was that the students would be able to build relationships with one another and that we (staff) would be able to connect with each of them on a deeper level. God graciously permitted that to occur! I feel like I know the students so much better, and knowing them is vital to being able to minister to them.

There were a lot of challenges, but I was amazed again by God's faithfulness in bringing about good things in the midst of the hard times. For some reason this group of students seemed to be particularly cruel to one another at times. But there were at least two different instances when a student's feelings were hurt by someone else and then several other students showed care and concern for the hurt person. I loved watching them show love to one another as they sympathized and cheered each other up. It was so beautiful! One evening we were worshipping together and some of the students were being rude and distracting, which led me to believe that they were not really interested in worshipping. But when I stopped playing, they apologized for talking and kept requesting songs for another 20 minutes!

I was struck (once again) with the fact that all of my planning and preparing really has very little to do with the good things that will happen. God was faithful to work in the hearts of these kids through their peers as well as (and some times in spite of) the leaders. I pray that the times when we loved the kids well they would see the love God has for him and that the times when we were impatient they would see as our own human weakness.

Please continue to pray for the group, which has changed significantly over the past two months. We have increased in size (basically doubled), and shifted to a much younger average age. We are also seeing more students from broken homes and unchurched homes. I feel that our group (despite being located in Gresham) has become an urban ministry. I'm pretty sure that urban ministry should look different than suburban ministry, but I haven't figured out yet how best to minister to this different group of kids with different problems, hurts and needs. If you have any ideas, feel free to let me know. In the mean time, join me in praying that God would continue to draw students to himself.

Only God Can Do It

Wow, I guess technically it's Friday now which means that we leave on our youth retreat this afternoon. I've got so many things left to do to prepare--and one of them is to sleep, so I'll make this short.

Although tonight we had a record-breaking number of students at youth group, we have pretty low attendance on the retreat due to (a) it being near the hollidays and (b)all the older kids being afraid to sign up because they didn't know yet if their friends could attend. Consequently we're taking a small group, but it will be very young and very new (1/3 are students who I have never met or met only once or twice). We're not sure what to expect, really, but I keep seeing God's hand in preparing things for which I could not have planned. He obviously made room for each student he wanted to attend. I'm trusting he has a purpose and praying that he uses this weekend as a tool to draw people closer to himself--which is something that I cannot facilitate no matter how prepared I am. Only God can work in people's hearts, so pray that he does this weekend.

Please also pray for: safety, growth, kindness (students), patience and wisdom(staff), and plenty of fun. I'll let you know how it goes!

Thanks, Kristi

Fellowship

I am so thankful for people--more specifically for true fellowship. Tonight was one of those nights at youth group where everything went crazy beforehand, and just when I thought I had stabilized, the kids showed up and everything went beyond crazy. It wasn't the greatest night. I lost my patience. I lacked love. I found myself unable to see the kids the way God sees them. If I had come home to an empty apartment, I know just what would have happened: I would have put on my mix CD with songs for hurting and healing, turned off the lights and curled up on the couch with my face pressed against it and cried--probably until I fell asleep clinging to the back of the couch.

My melancholy plans for the evening were thwarted by my friend Jessica's simple request at the end of youth group, "Can I come over afterward and pray?" Ah, what an idea! Of course, my tear-stained evening would have included prayers, but they would have been the borderline accusatory prayers that come when I'm exhausted and at the end of my rope, uncertain what to do and feeling all alone. Instead, Jessica came over and we debriefed for a couple hours, and then just prayed (along with my roommate Nikki, who had come home by then). There was something so beautiful about our fellowship tonight. Sharing frustrations, heartache, disallusionment, hopes, goals, insights, and then in the end coming humbly before God confessing our inadequacies and entrusting to him the hearts of the students we serve. Now I have peace. I don't feel great, or enlightened, just at peace.

And I am so thankful for the godly women whose friendships have enriched my life and whose hearts have both inspired and challenged me. God has been so good to bless me with wonderful friends.