Identity & Value <-- (I sound like a girl!)

Please do not feel pressured to read this. I'm so bad at being brief that I haven't written for a long time. It's easier for me to write a lengthy journal entry than a 1-paragraph blog. But, since a couple people have asked me what's been going on with me, I thought I'd give them a quick glimpse into some of my thoughts. This came from a journal entry I wrote last night...

Identity is an odd thing. It's a word that's used a lot in conjunction with the word "finding." "She finds her identity in her looks"..."He finds his identity in his mechanical skills." I guess what we mean by identity is value. We're actually saying, "She seeks value in looking good"..."He seeks to be valuable by being a skillful mechanic." And of course, ever since Jr. High Sunday School it's been drilled into my head that as a Christian I ought to "find my identity in Christ," that is, to seek meaning and value in relationship to him. Easier said than done.

Even when I think I'm following after the Lord's leading I quickly begin to seek personal worth in the "peripherals" of life. I feel like I'm a more worthwhile person when I'm being self-disciplined in my Scripture reading and prayer time, or when I'm spending lots of time connecting with students and pouring my heart into them. It's even easy for me to seek value ("find my identity in") my relationships with people: being a good friend, being someone people enjoy hanging out with, etc.

None of these things are bad, I don't think. But tonight I heard the Spirit's gentle voice calling my heart, beckoning me to draw near to God. To walk with him, even as I work with youth and hang out with friends.

It's kind of weird, you know. There is no one like God; I have no other relationship that is the same. I don't know why he sees value in me...but HE DOES!! :-) If I were not valuable to him, I would have no value. My value comes from the fact that HE (the Maker and Sustainer of Life) values me.

So, if my value lies in him, then to feel valuable, content and fulfilled it makes sense that I would want to remain near him, to consciously interact with him frequently throughout the day. But for some reason, I'm a peripheral junkie. I've allowed myself to become addicted to the [albeit lesser] "high" of being a dedicated youth leader, an enjoyable friend, or an attractive woman. (I'm not saying that I am all these things, only that I often work toward these things as if they would make me more valuable.)

So this life--this life that's been granted me, this job where I have been placed, these people God has put into my life--this life is from God. And since I'm a finite human, he understands (and expects?? maybe even is pleased by??) my involvement in the activities and relationships which make up life. But I must remember that it is not those things that make me valuable. That's good, because those things are not eternal. I could lose my job working with youth and still have value to God. I could betray my friends and he would still love me. I could always be ranked the least attractive person in the room and I would still be just as precious to him. I could get in a car accident tomorrow and spend the rest of my life laying in a bed, disfigured, drooling all over myself, unable to recognize my friends and family, and I would still be valuable to God. Because the only true, inherent worth that I can claim is that I am loved by God.

So, Kristi, it's okay to throw yourself into ministry and relationships, as long as you don't get confused and begin to believe that your value is contingent upon your performance. (Isn't that great that I'm not less valuable on the nights when the sermon stinks, or I'm not a very supportive friend, or when I gain a lb. instead of losing it!) The trick then, must be to walk through life with God, letting him affirm my value in my relationship with him. And as my heart grows more in tune with his, I may find myself being more like him in the way that I minister to students and love my friends.

Lord, help me not to be drawn into the lies of the world that tell me that what matters about me is how I look or what I can do. Give me a balanced perspective of myself, so that I can be comfortable being the person you made me, serving in the place you placed me. Help my heart to be more aligned with yours. I want to walk with you each day--not so that spiritual disciplines make me feel good, but so that I am relating to you and allowing you to teach me, mold me, grow me and guide me each day of this life you have given.

Our Fall Retreat

I apologize for not posting earlier. I needed some time to debrief and evaluate.

I believe the retreat went very well overall. It was tiring and challenging, but good. One of my main goals was that the students would be able to build relationships with one another and that we (staff) would be able to connect with each of them on a deeper level. God graciously permitted that to occur! I feel like I know the students so much better, and knowing them is vital to being able to minister to them.

There were a lot of challenges, but I was amazed again by God's faithfulness in bringing about good things in the midst of the hard times. For some reason this group of students seemed to be particularly cruel to one another at times. But there were at least two different instances when a student's feelings were hurt by someone else and then several other students showed care and concern for the hurt person. I loved watching them show love to one another as they sympathized and cheered each other up. It was so beautiful! One evening we were worshipping together and some of the students were being rude and distracting, which led me to believe that they were not really interested in worshipping. But when I stopped playing, they apologized for talking and kept requesting songs for another 20 minutes!

I was struck (once again) with the fact that all of my planning and preparing really has very little to do with the good things that will happen. God was faithful to work in the hearts of these kids through their peers as well as (and some times in spite of) the leaders. I pray that the times when we loved the kids well they would see the love God has for him and that the times when we were impatient they would see as our own human weakness.

Please continue to pray for the group, which has changed significantly over the past two months. We have increased in size (basically doubled), and shifted to a much younger average age. We are also seeing more students from broken homes and unchurched homes. I feel that our group (despite being located in Gresham) has become an urban ministry. I'm pretty sure that urban ministry should look different than suburban ministry, but I haven't figured out yet how best to minister to this different group of kids with different problems, hurts and needs. If you have any ideas, feel free to let me know. In the mean time, join me in praying that God would continue to draw students to himself.

Only God Can Do It

Wow, I guess technically it's Friday now which means that we leave on our youth retreat this afternoon. I've got so many things left to do to prepare--and one of them is to sleep, so I'll make this short.

Although tonight we had a record-breaking number of students at youth group, we have pretty low attendance on the retreat due to (a) it being near the hollidays and (b)all the older kids being afraid to sign up because they didn't know yet if their friends could attend. Consequently we're taking a small group, but it will be very young and very new (1/3 are students who I have never met or met only once or twice). We're not sure what to expect, really, but I keep seeing God's hand in preparing things for which I could not have planned. He obviously made room for each student he wanted to attend. I'm trusting he has a purpose and praying that he uses this weekend as a tool to draw people closer to himself--which is something that I cannot facilitate no matter how prepared I am. Only God can work in people's hearts, so pray that he does this weekend.

Please also pray for: safety, growth, kindness (students), patience and wisdom(staff), and plenty of fun. I'll let you know how it goes!

Thanks, Kristi

Fellowship

I am so thankful for people--more specifically for true fellowship. Tonight was one of those nights at youth group where everything went crazy beforehand, and just when I thought I had stabilized, the kids showed up and everything went beyond crazy. It wasn't the greatest night. I lost my patience. I lacked love. I found myself unable to see the kids the way God sees them. If I had come home to an empty apartment, I know just what would have happened: I would have put on my mix CD with songs for hurting and healing, turned off the lights and curled up on the couch with my face pressed against it and cried--probably until I fell asleep clinging to the back of the couch.

My melancholy plans for the evening were thwarted by my friend Jessica's simple request at the end of youth group, "Can I come over afterward and pray?" Ah, what an idea! Of course, my tear-stained evening would have included prayers, but they would have been the borderline accusatory prayers that come when I'm exhausted and at the end of my rope, uncertain what to do and feeling all alone. Instead, Jessica came over and we debriefed for a couple hours, and then just prayed (along with my roommate Nikki, who had come home by then). There was something so beautiful about our fellowship tonight. Sharing frustrations, heartache, disallusionment, hopes, goals, insights, and then in the end coming humbly before God confessing our inadequacies and entrusting to him the hearts of the students we serve. Now I have peace. I don't feel great, or enlightened, just at peace.

And I am so thankful for the godly women whose friendships have enriched my life and whose hearts have both inspired and challenged me. God has been so good to bless me with wonderful friends.

B-I-G NEWS!!!

Hi everyone!

So...pretty big news. It's looking promising that I will finally get to be an auntie! Trisha & Mark are in the process of trying to adopt their two-year-old nephew, Gavin. Yesterday Gavin's mother signed the papers releasing parental rights. His father has indicated that he is willing to do the same, although he is currently out of the country. Anyway, this is very exciting news for Mark and Trisha who are eagerly rearranging their lives and schedules to become parents! It's also exciting news for me, as I have been hoping for someone to spoil for quite some time now!

The other exciting news is...my little sister is getting married! Bethany is now officially engaged to be married to Chris Storlie (Sorry, Chris for posting your name on MySpace.). They haven't yet settled on a date for the wedding, but I'm guessing it will be in the first few months of 2007. This is exciting two-fold as well! (1) We are all extremely happy for the young couple, they are both so awesome! (2) I get to help coordinate the wedding details, which will hopefully relieve stress from Bethy as well as be fun for me! (For some reason, I like all that planning stuff.)

Well...nothing really is going on in MY life, so to speak. But I'm pretty stoked for my siblings, whose lives seem to be growing in enrichment by leaps and bounds!

Ping Pong Faithfulness

Each Wednesday I meet with Eric to talk about youth group stuff. Today we were talking about what sorts of activities we could include at our all-nighter that would be boy-friendly. Eric mentioned how he thought it would be really cool to get a ping pong table for the church. "Yeah," I agreed, "but I don't think we have room in our budget for that." I was at my desk, so I decided to check craigslist real quick, and guess what!? There was a ping pong table that had been listed last night! It was just the table top, but it was going for $10 and we figured we could set it on top of a table at church and buy a net and some paddles for it. I called and the woman said it was still there, so we tromped off to pick up my parents' van so we could haul the tabletop. On the way I was thinking how cool it was that just when we were thinking of buying one, someone had listed one so cheap. Sometimes I laugh when I think people "overspiritualize" things. But I'm afraid that sometimes I "underspiritualize" and neglect to give God credit for being faithful in bringing about small blessings in the details of our lives.

Lest I somehow doubt God's role in providing the ping pong table, when we got there I told them how excited I was to get a table for our youth group and they decided to give it to us for free! As we're pulling out of the driveway, they flagged us back down and handed us a net and two paddles that they had found under a pile of stuff in the garage! Then, we get back to the church, and just happened to stumble across more paddles! LOL. It was crazy the way that in a period of an hour and a half, God gave us a free ping pong table, complete with net and paddles! He is so faithful to bless us--even in the silly little details of our lives--and I'm determined to give him the credit for his provision.

Valuable

Not terribly profound. But the other day I was reading in Luke 12, where Jesus points out that the ravens don't sow or reap, but God provides for them. Then he says the most beautiful thing: "How much more valuable you are than birds!" Even with my selfishness and my pride, even seeing my past mistakes as well as the ones I've yet to make, despite the ugliness of my heart...the God who designed me, loved me and died for me calls me into relationship with him. Wow. And being precious to the Creator & King of all--that makes me highly valuable.

And so are you. Okay, so you probably already knew all this, but on a week when I felt especially undesirable it made me glow a little to know that I, plain ol' Kristi, am valuable to God.